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I am falling and I am freaking out and NUMBED!

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I am falling and I am freaking out and NUMBED!

Postby themissingme » Tue Oct 23, 2018 2:27 pm

I have been seeing a guy for over a month and we have met up 3 times a week for lunch, dinner, drinks and we even spent couple days during the weekend together as well.
we went to a theme park and it was hell lot of fun
we also went to have drinks quite a few times

we didn't hug/ didn't kiss, didn't hold hands or anything
but we had a lot of laughters together and it's getting to a point that I started to numb and freak out a little when I meet up with him
the more intense I am feeling the more I am feeling numbed inside
I am creeping out and started to worry that what if he would stop talking to me one day
what if he would stop liking me or asking me out because I got a little grumpy or irritable the other day we met
what if he would stop texting me like he used to if he saw the real me, the broken and imperfect me
I am only pretty on the outside and pretty broken on the inside.. what if he would leave as soon as he knows me more
sh********* t ... I am so scared.. and I am so worried..
I started to feel irritable, numbed and a little cranky
my mood started to swing up and down
and it's very scary
I don't like falling for someone because my heart feels so not belong to me when I do
it's very very very uncomfortable because of this unsettling feeling
my emotions are running on a roller coaster..
waiting for his text...
waiting for him to show up
waiting for him to think of me
g******osh.. this is so intense and overwhelming..

I have scheduled my 1st therapy this Friday so I can start getting some support
it's scary
to be falling for someone
it's horrifying
what if he doesn't like me.. what if he would stop liking me as soon as he knows me more?
what if he....
I won't die right
I know I won't (never have any suicidal attempt)
but emotionally this is so intense.. so scary and afraid...

it's okay right?
I guess this is all normal for a BPD like me to freak out?
when things get overwhelmed? I am feeling slightly better after typing this all out
I guess it's normal to be afraid and fearful but it's alright
this intensity will pass and let's just stick with the facts.. we still text everyday and he is only flying off for a 5 days vacation, will be soon after then! we will probably meet up next week!
:-/

if he runs away soon after, it only means that he is not the one for me and won't be able to stand me
then he is not worthy for my attention either
it's okay for me to be afraid and worried when I have feelings for someone..
it's normal

when I am around him, I feel a little warm and fuzzy in my heart, I am happy
I like being around him
just worry that I would be scaring him off..
but I can only be me. likes me or not, I am still me
I don't have hope, so God reaches out and gives me hope.
I don't feel loved, so God found me and shows me His never failling love.
I don't feel happy, so God shows me what happiness can be like..

*The Darkest Night Brings the Brightest Stars*
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Re: I am falling and I am freaking out and NUMBED!

Postby TopTop » Sat Oct 27, 2018 3:58 am

Hi!
Your post breaks my heart...I sooo want you to be loved.

Try...try...try to relax some.

Yes, ultimately, things will be ok.

All of us are broken and imperfect, even us non-npd's.

Your story is somewhat similar to my ex girlfriend.

BPD is not your fault; it is a genetic and experiential disorder.
If he is a good guy, he won't abandon you if he finds out you have it. If you explain, good men will often stick around.

I would not have left my previous relationship if she had explained what was happening.

And remember, it's only been a month. There is plenty of time to build what needs to be built.
When you get to stressing about it, take a few deep breaths, and whisper to yourself, "Take it easy, take it easy"... [run the Eagles song through your head.] Maybe if you do that a few times it will help calm you.

You said you were going to see a counselor today...did that happen?

My absolute best wishes and regards for you,
Mike
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Re: I am falling and I am freaking out and NUMBED!

Postby jaus tail » Sat Oct 27, 2018 6:53 am

at times even i think what my friends at uni will think if they find out about my mental health issues.
my friend once told me that everyone has secrets. ur friends would also have stuff they dont want anyone to know about.
not everyone has to know everything about us.

what if you found out something odd about him. like a criminal inclination or something like that.
exhausted
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Re: I am falling and I am freaking out and NUMBED!

Postby themissingme » Tue Oct 30, 2018 4:46 pm

TopTop wrote:Hi!
Your post breaks my heart...I sooo want you to be loved.

Try...try...try to relax some.

Yes, ultimately, things will be ok.

All of us are broken and imperfect, even us non-npd's.

Your story is somewhat similar to my ex girlfriend.

BPD is not your fault; it is a genetic and experiential disorder.
If he is a good guy, he won't abandon you if he finds out you have it. If you explain, good men will often stick around.

I would not have left my previous relationship if she had explained what was happening.

And remember, it's only been a month. There is plenty of time to build what needs to be built.
When you get to stressing about it, take a few deep breaths, and whisper to yourself, "Take it easy, take it easy"... [run the Eagles song through your head.] Maybe if you do that a few times it will help calm you.

You said you were going to see a counselor today...did that happen?

My absolute best wishes and regards for you,
Mike


thanks for the reassurance..
yes I did meet up with my therapist, it was my first session and I told him my history of relationships. He is a CBT therapist and honestly he is not that experienced with BPD, but he managed to tidy up a little of my past relationships and told me that it wasn't my fault when it ended... I spent the weekend grieve a little, cried a little more and pack up my past a little more...
I will see the therapist in 2 weeks. <- best decision that I have made for myself, to work on my BPD symptoms.

it's so scary to fall in love and when I am in the intensive scary mode/ feeling afraid.. there is little chance for me to give love.. and my friend is warning me that he will eventually leave if he is not feeling that I care a lot.
all I can see is I am afraid but not him.. how he is feeling..
and people will eventually leave if they are not feeling the love

I am scared as we are speaking more.. I am more scared as we are closer
I am even more scared as my feeling is growing for him
it's even more scary when there is little control, when I don't know what he is thinking about me, when i am not sure if he likes me? when I am not certain that if he likes me for real? or he is just using me to kill time or boredom?

I can sense that he has feelings for me
I can feel that we are spending together with eachother to get to know each other
I know that he is trying to make time to meet up
I know that he is not using me to kill his boredom or whatsoever
I know that things are growing slowly
very slowly and I guess I am getting a little worried because my birthday will be here in 24 hours
what if he doesn't ask me out for drinks or anything
I will be very disappointed
I am worried that he doesn't care enough to invite me out
I am worried that he would be afraid of the pressure and avoid meeting up with me the day before and on my birthday
I am afraid that I will be disapointed
I am afraid that I will be rejected and hurt..
the truth is, no one is obligated to be here on my birthday, especially for a new friend like him (who I have only known for just over a month)
I am afraid that he doesn't care enough to be around on my birthday.
I am afraid that I will be all alone on the day

-> Let's stick with the fact - my buddy will have lunch with me on my birthday though and she offers to stay over at my place if he didn't ask me out for a drink or anything on the 31st Oct evening, which is super sweet of her)

-> so the fact is I won't be all alone
just wait and see what will he do on the 31st Oct >.<
and it's okay if he didn't do much since he is not obligated to do anything...

there should not be any pressure or expectations and let the feeling grow.. the stronger the feeling is, the more we would do for eachother
it takes time for it to grow....
if this doesn't work out, there will always be another guy after him.
it's just that it's been a while since I feel that someone cares enough to stick around to get to know me and someone I like enough to spend much time with.. or someone who has the ability to swing my heart ups and downs..

one second I am like a happy girl
and the next second I am starting to freak out and worry if he likes me or not...
:-P
I guess this is part of falling in love.
I don't have hope, so God reaches out and gives me hope.
I don't feel loved, so God found me and shows me His never failling love.
I don't feel happy, so God shows me what happiness can be like..

*The Darkest Night Brings the Brightest Stars*
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Re: I am falling and I am freaking out and NUMBED!

Postby star dust » Thu Nov 01, 2018 11:22 pm

I feel for you! What you described is just what I’m like when I start falling for someone. I start freaking out. And then I usually start behaving weirdly or I start pushing them away cause I’m so scared. Good that you’re seeing therapist soon, I’m sure they can help with it. It is so scary falling for someone isn’t it. Falling is such the appropriate word.
I really hope everything works out for you!
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Re: I am falling and I am freaking out and NUMBED!

Postby Tanoujin » Thu Nov 01, 2018 11:57 pm

I read between the lines you are afraid he will leave you if you come out... think that through... you will have to come out anyway. I believe you are very vulnerable. Let him know he has a special responsibility with you. Do not pretend to be robust and stable, ask him to be careful.
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Re: I am falling and I am freaking out and NUMBED!

Postby themissingme » Mon Nov 05, 2018 1:07 pm

update:
he ended up asking me for drinks on the night just before my birthday, counted down throughout 12am, then we took a short walk and left. we just hang out as friends really, that's it.
on my birthday, he took me out for dinner ;-) last minute.
but it's okay, and we just hang out as friends, didn't hold hands nor hug or anything

sometimes we would have a lot of fun, joked a lot and laughed a lot.. sometimes we might be a little more quiet.. sometimes he is more opening up.. sometimes we might not be talking much but we still feel comfortable hanging out
it feels like building up a castle.. slowly and gradually building it up
sometimes the feelings is more intense, both ways
sometimes feelings are more subtle and held in..
but still I enjoy seeing him around ^v^

sometimes I am more scared because of my own history of " a series of failed relationships" but isn't that normal that almost all romantic relationships are meant to fail, and only one would work out?
sometimes I am worried because of my own fear.. when my feelings are going up and down, it feels hectic, feels uncontrolled and it feels so unsafe

sometimes I am numbed because I am feeling too intense and scared
sometimes I am afraid that I was used like how I was being used by other guys before
sometimes I am afraid that he was just using me to kill time or boredom
sometimes I am afraid that he didn't care enough to like me
sometimes I am afraid that I was giving away my attention too easily
sometimes I am afaid that people will eventually get bored with me
sometimes I am afraid that I am not good enough for someone to love me.. because I am always afraid to give..

I know that things are heading to the right direction, very slowly and gradually..
like we are building up a castle piece by piece
but still I am afraid.
afraid that once I let people in, people will leave me alone once they got to know me
afraid that once I established the connections, people might leave and left me feeling all the pain and loneliness inside my heart
(I am feeling lonely already, so what is there for me to lose?)

I am longing for someone's attentions, love and acceptance
I don't have hope, so God reaches out and gives me hope.
I don't feel loved, so God found me and shows me His never failling love.
I don't feel happy, so God shows me what happiness can be like..

*The Darkest Night Brings the Brightest Stars*
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