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Borderline Personality Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

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Postby Enygma » Wed Oct 03, 2018 6:41 am

Not too sure where to post this and I've never talked about it before.
Its been about 12 years now. I've lived with this voice in my head before it was multiple. I would get cross conversations going I fully understand it's in my head but they wouldnt shut up. I could never get them to be quiet. Recently past 4 years its changed. It's a single voice now. Hes never influential enough to make.me do things but... there are times I feel like I'm not the captian of my ship any more. He has somehow gained the ability to take me over if I neglect to fight him. None before the person I call Ed would try to take over it was always conversations i didnt understand. I cant seek help... I cant trust people. Ed has led me to depression, anger, anxiety, sadness and many different uncontrollable feelings or personalities that aren't me. Before it wasnt an issue, there never was the feeling of lost control. I feel like when Ed takes over the whole family comes to play and I become people that I am not. I understand it's just a voice but why os ot.so hard to shut him up? Even now he mocks me for trying to seek any kind of guidance. I've developed a stammer recently it happens more so when I'm trying to focus on me and not pay Ed any mind. While I work, my head is silent when i.try to sleep Ed keeps.me.awake talking about how he would have done this or that differently. He makes nasty comments about other people in my head making it hard to.focus on my conversation. I feel like Ed has evolved from many to 1 being that much more potent these past 4 years. I have no idea what I'm doing. No one knows I'm going through this because Ed has in ome.way or another made them all leave. Am I just paranoid? It's in my head but he feels so real. To each their own mind to reach with out bind to preach words of kind look inside you will find the mind of me, the mind of he, the mind of we. I wish it could only be one true me you see for I plea to be free. Free of pain, physical emotional mental its app the same.
I posted this short poem to give insight to how my mind operates. I focus.one thing and he has no direction of thought just thoughts of self preservation l.
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