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I can't tell if I am wrong..

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I can't tell if I am wrong..

Postby stinksofbeef » Sat Sep 08, 2018 6:28 pm

Hi all this is my first post.
I'm a 29 year old mother of 2 and was diagnosed August 2017 but always strongly suspectes that I had BPD for years before my diagnosis.

Since being diagnosed with BPD I find it difficult to establish if I am in the wrong or not when me and my other half have a disagreement. Because problems with perception are part of BPD I find myself asking if it's just me being crazy or if it's reasonable to be hurt.
An arguement from today serves as a perfect example and I'd like some feedback of that's okay..

I get up between 5 and 7 every morning to feed our youngest and I let my other half lie in most weekends because he works 9-5 during the week. (I also work but I can do it from home after the kids are asleep so I usually that in the evenings from about 9 til midnight) This morning I asked if he would get up to see to the baby so that I could get some more sleep. The past two weeks ive been on a downward spiral with my moods and have been crying a lot most days. I dread waking up at the moment. After some convincing he agreed to get up and feed the baby and I fell back to sleep. I wake up about 3 hours later and he is asleep next to me... I get up and my son is watching telly in the front room on his own having had no breakfast and comes and hugs me with a sad face.
So I get my son his breakfast and I'm already RAGING inside. I refer to my son as my angel because he is just that and to see him sad and lonely in the front room at 10am on his own looking so sad hurt my heart.
The baby starts to stir... she needs feeding again. I go to get her bottle and there are none. My inconsiderate other half didnt think to clean and steam a set of bottles for her next feed when he used to last one (like.. you know.. ######6 everyone does) before he went back to sleep! So my daughter cried foe ten minutes while I steamed her bottles before I could feed her.
By the time he wakes up I'm past mad and just feeling hopeless about our relationship and therefore my life... im crying again as i have been for days. I dont say anything about his actions to him, because im just crazy remember? Paranoid sensitive and crazy.
I tell him that I just feel sad and I cry and he tells me he doesnt know what he can do. He goes to the football as he had planned and left me feeling broken and empty. Before he left he said "ill be thinking of you all day of course" 5 hrs later he comes back not having sent me one txt or anything.... but he has brought his favourite dinner for me to cook... and wine. Because wine is a fantastic idea for someonw in a downward depressuve spiral.
The lack of consideration makes me feel like he doesnt love me. But im prob just being crazy again, right?
Am I? Tell me...
Thanks for reading.
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Re: I can't tell if I am wrong..

Postby Schiraz » Tue Sep 11, 2018 8:29 am

I think that you have all the rights to get angry, because parenting is a job for 2. BPD in this case has nothing to do. Your partner is a partner, cause you do things together - raising kids. It's simple (not so simple) partnership. The only thing about your anger is that you feel it extremely. Observe it, but remember that we live in the moment. It's valid in the moment and no one can tell us otherwise.
The problem I see is not being able to communicate with your partner about your emotions. People who aren't BPD have a hard time to see what is going on internally in a BPD person. They don't understand how we feel, how we tick. Untill you are able to express your feelings to him, it will be very diffcult to establish real partnership, cause he will think that there is nothing wrong.
I believe the best would be to attend teraphy - you yourself and with him. If it is supposed to be a good relationship, you both have to have understanding for each other.
And I'm sure he loves you. Just he doesn't know what to do, because he never had to deal with BPD (as most people).
For starting you can watch/read/listen to Shari Manning. She teaches people how to love and understand BPD peaople. It's a good way to sit your partner, explain (if he doesnt know your diagnose) and watch her materials together, pause in moments you think refer to you and explain, talk. It's hard, I know, but it will help build you both up.
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Re: I can't tell if I am wrong..

Postby Psycho Delica » Mon Sep 17, 2018 10:25 pm

As a mother of two young kids myself, and I am not BPD (I am here because my husband is) I think you did yourself a complete injustice by holding in your emotions on this occasion, as what your partner did was appalling!! How self absorbed does he wan't to be, really!! To leave a young kid hungry while he went back to bed, seriously!! Id be fuming. And then to just leave while seeing how much you were struggling. Sorry, but he's been a complete jerk and you have every right to be upset. Couldn't he just for once make sure both kids were sorted out before getting more sleep? As from what you say her you're the one doing all of that with rarely getting a sleep in after working till midnight. Very poor form on him. I am really sorry you have had to deal with that, and you had incredible restraint to not lash out under those circumstances. But in saying that, don't allow that anger to direct inwards to yourself. He deserves to be told off for that, and for being a self absorbed twat. Maybe not in front of the children, but later on once the kids are in bed and you and him have a moment - bring it up calmly and express to him how it made you feel about it all. This was his #######5 behavior that needs to be addressed in the right way, and it's not for you to at all own or beat yourself up about.

Maybe you're feeling down about the relationship during times like this for good reason. It sounds like you make things very easy on him.
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Re: I can't tell if I am wrong..

Postby Mangled » Mon Sep 17, 2018 10:47 pm

If drives me mad how people think the men deserve rest because of working. Parenting is an equal partnership. If one is at 40% then the other goes at 60% to help keep you both afloat.

What he did was selfish and inconsiderate. It is something that would make you stop and think before you ask him again isnt it? That could have been his game plan. (That could be my suspcious mind though).

I definitely think you should calmly have a word with him about how this morning was made more difficult due to his actions and how it was unfair for your son to sit by himself.

I have to ask...do you question whether you are crazy because of his words?
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