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Cruelty/ Anger/ Selfishness

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Cruelty/ Anger/ Selfishness

Postby themissingme » Sat Aug 11, 2018 1:05 pm

When I am angry, feeling hurt or painful.. my heart will turn cold and the cruel side of me will come out.. 6 years ago, when I was still unaware of my BPD traits and have anger issues.. I used to throw my cat onto the floor when I was furious or I pressed hard on her when I got really upset.. I had real anger issues back then and I was not able to control my anger and lash out on my ex or my cat.
after my ex broke up with me, I knew what I had done and became a changed person. I no longer mis-treat my cat or lash out on anyone without control.
I looked into my anger and went into therapy to address why was I so angry deep down... it was my parents.. and I learnt that from my dad, who has serious anger issue. Growing up, he was verbally abusive, physically abusive and he would lost his mind, chased behind us (me and my bro) and spanked us with his eyes turning red (like a furious mode).
He was not only emotionally abusive, physically aggressive to us, he also said things that were mean and upsetting (i.e., if I wore a mini skirt, he would said things like I look like a prostitute), I was nervous and clumsy back then and when I made a mistake at home, he would say things like - "you are so dumb and it is okay that you are dumb yourself.. but don't bother me or stop the earth from turning" I remembered when my personal tutor shout at my ears during private tuition class, and even used a ruler to hit on my fingers while I wasn't focusing in class... I told my father and all he did was a laugh.. and he did nothing to protect me.. (my mum played a part in saying mean things as well, I recalled when I was walking pass a homeless person, my mum used to say to my brother, in front of me that I will become the friend of homeless because I didn't study hard enough) <- this may sound weird to you as it was translated into English.

I can never forget how my dad looked when he spanked us with a furious look on his face.. I never forget how he laughed when he knew I was hit my the personal tuition tutor and that was all he did...
even after I grew up.. although he stopped spanking us or saying things that were abusive.. I remembered when I moved out (over 1 year ago), the day that I was packing my stuff and the taxi was on the way to pick me up, all he did was looking around and trying to say things about himself (getting attentions) but did not offer to help AT ALL.. that was very cruel to look at..
I never forget how he looked when he said I treated "their home" as hotel and he did not react a thing when he saw me accidentally banging my head onto the cupboard on top of my head... I even asked him if he saw that but he just ignored me and kept on lashing out on me..
that was brutal and cruel and it was like a trauma for me... because of this, I never felt safe around guys.. I don't have much experience with them and was not able to trust them. my experience with my dad was so horrible that I cannot even trust that guys can be kind to me.
Whenever I am hurt, in pain or upset.. anger is the emotions that I am most familiar with and that's how I express my frustration... that's why it led to lashing out on my cat years ago.. (don't worry, my cat has been treated very well and I never spank her or hurt her in any ways (not even verbally or anything) since the broke up in 2013, and that's why I was able to forgive myself for being so mean to my cat)

I grew up not feeling protected or cared about emotionally by my parents.... all I know was to be angry when I am upset.. even though I no longer lash out or even rise my voice on anyone since late 2013.. I would be numbed when I am upset.. or I would sound something that's mean or cruel when I am upset.. or sound very cold and distant.... I would have a bitch face on as well!
When I am angry or numbed, I would lost the ability to be empathic or understanding when I am upset..
I would be impatience and have unrealistic demand when I am upset or feeling dissappointed..
I have accepted that I was once very cruel and I stopped being THAT cruel towards people.. but still, there are times that I would be cruel, mean and cold with a stone heart when I am upset..
and I don't like that about me..
I don't want to be as mean and cruel as my dad.. and it's traumatic for me to revisit these memory and it's very intense for me to write it here on the page..
I know that there's always a part of me that is cruel and cold.. inside of my heart, it's like I have a monster side of me/ evil me deep down and I am doing everything I can to keep that under control.
I have been pretty good at doing that so far, but there are times that the cruel and cold me would come out for different reasons. :-/
it makes me feel sad when I revisited the memories when my dad was cruel to me and all my mum did was to ask me or try to make me "make peace with my dad again" without knowing or trying to understand what he did to hurt me or how painful it was for me...
(I distracted several times when writing this post and I had to bring myself back to this page deliberately)

I have a better understanding on where my cruelty comes from.. because I was treated very cruelly growing up and that's the way that I have learnt how to react when I was upset or feeling hurt.
because of all the painful feelings that I grew up with inside of my heart.. I am very protective, reserved and I know little how to give love (I have never received the unconditional love nor emotional support from anyone growing up either) as a result, I am reluctant to give and act selfish when it comes to relationships.
However, with my friends, I am happy to provide them with my support (both physically and emotionally). The only time that I have experienced unconditional love/ or something close to it, was with my ex and God.. I am grateful that I have experienced that and saw love in "actions".. and how it was expressed when someone loves me..
this gets difficult when it comes to relationship.. I am not good at expressing my emotions or giving love.. because I am still like a traumatic child, threatened to be hurt or abused inside..
I trust little, or have difficulties trusting or believing in others.. I am just too busy protecting my fragile heart in general.
This is very sad to admit.. and this explains why it's difficult for me to form relationship.. because all I can think of is trying to protect myself from hurting me..
even though no one can hurt me anymore, but the pain and traumatic feeling is still living inside my heart.. it's like I have all these fear and preassumption that everyone will hurt me and abandonme in the end, just like my parents. (when my parents sent me away to boarding school early on at the age of 13, that was a abandonment there)...
gosh.. this post is intense.. and I am getting a little headache and tears are starting to rush into my eyes..
I can't trust that people will stay because how my parents sent me away without hesitations (they were too busy and preoccupied emotionally.. so they sent me away to UK for school)..
I can't trust and I can't stop protecting myself from others (even after growing up) because I grew up in a house when my parents are emotionally, verbally and physically abusive
the trauma is still alive inside my brain.. and that's probably the first time I really connect all the dots.. this explains why I can't form romantic relationships with men!

-> Now I have to actively educate myself that everyone is different and I can't assume people would be just like my parents.
-> People have no way to hurt me because I don't count on them and because I am independent.
-> My judgemental defense activates everytime when people start to walk close to me.. so I have to educate myself that it's okay for me to be afraid.. it's okay for me to worried but I cannot ASSUME that they will hurt me. and the truth is, most people will leave and most relationship will end in the end, except one. which is perfectly okay... because it's not about how the ending is, it's how we spent our time together :-)
-> I am lonely, but I don't want to be without ANYONE just because someone gives me attention.

(thanks for letting me write out all my feelings here.. this is my private emotional outlet.. this gives me space to process and digest my trauma and pain) thank you!
I don't have hope, so God reaches out and gives me hope.
I don't feel loved, so God found me and shows me His never failling love.
I don't feel happy, so God shows me what happiness can be like..

*The Darkest Night Brings the Brightest Stars*
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Re: Cruelty/ Anger/ Selfishness

Postby jaus tail » Sat Aug 11, 2018 2:47 pm

I looked into my anger and went into therapy to address why was I so angry deep down...


i have realized that anger doesnt help. there was a time when i was proud of my rage. like i wanted people to fear me.

it was my parents.. and I learnt that from my dad, who has serious anger issue. Growing up, he was verbally abusive, physically abusive and he would lost his mind, chased behind us (me and my bro) and spanked us with his eyes turning red (like a furious mode).
He was not only emotionally abusive, physically aggressive to us, he also said things that were mean and upsetting (i.e., if I wore a mini skirt, he would said things like I look like a prostitute), I was nervous and clumsy back then and when I made a mistake at home, he would say things like - "you are so dumb and it is okay that you are dumb yourself.. but don't bother me or stop the earth from turning" I remembered when my personal tutor shout at my ears during private tuition class, and even used a ruler to hit on my fingers while I wasn't focusing in class... I told my father and all he did was a laugh.. and he did nothing to protect me.. (my mum played a part in saying mean things as well, I recalled when I was walking pass a homeless person, my mum used to say to my brother, in front of me that I will become the friend of homeless because I didn't study hard enough) <- this may sound weird to you as it was translated into English.


my caretaker was also very strict with studies. n she was proud of her strict behavior. she would also point out my mistakes in front of others.

I can never forget how my dad looked when he spanked us with a furious look on his face.. I never forget how he laughed when he knew I was hit my the personal tuition tutor and that was all he did...
even after I grew up.. although he stopped spanking us or saying things that were abusive.. I remembered when I moved out (over 1 year ago), the day that I was packing my stuff and the taxi was on the way to pick me up, all he did was looking around and trying to say things about himself (getting attentions) but did not offer to help AT ALL.. that was very cruel to look at..
I never forget how he looked when he said I treated "their home" as hotel and he did not react a thing when he saw me accidentally banging my head onto the cupboard on top of my head... I even asked him if he saw that but he just ignored me and kept on lashing out on me..
that was brutal and cruel and it was like a trauma for me... because of this, I never felt safe around guys.. I don't have much experience with them and was not able to trust them. my experience with my dad was so horrible that I cannot even trust that guys can be kind to me.


my experience with my caretaker also made me think the world is a terrible place. i started making fun of others n basically arguing with everyone all the time.

Whenever I am hurt, in pain or upset.. anger is the emotions that I am most familiar with and that's how I express my frustration... that's why it led to lashing out on my cat years ago.. (don't worry, my cat has been treated very well and I never spank her or hurt her in any ways (not even verbally or anything) since the broke up in 2013, and that's why I was able to forgive myself for being so mean to my cat)


it's luck that the cat didn't inform her lion uncle and aunt about you :D


I know that there's always a part of me that is cruel and cold.. inside of my heart, it's like I have a monster side of me/ evil me deep down and I am doing everything I can to keep that under control.
I have been pretty good at doing that so far, but there are times that the cruel and cold me would come out for different reasons. :-/
it makes me feel sad when I revisited the memories when my dad was cruel to me and all my mum did was to ask me or try to make me "make peace with my dad again" without knowing or trying to understand what he did to hurt me or how painful it was for me...
(I distracted several times when writing this post and I had to bring myself back to this page deliberately)


with me there is a sense of bitterness of the years wasted. i am also angry at my caretaker n often the rage takes over.

i've realized that she had issues of her own. sure they are not an excuse for her behavior but more like an explanation. when one grows in a toxic environment, one becomes toxic.


However, with my friends, I am happy to provide them with my support (both physically and emotionally). The only time that I have experienced unconditional love/ or something close to it, was with my ex and God.. I am grateful that I have experienced that and saw love in "actions".. and how it was expressed when someone loves me..
this gets difficult when it comes to relationship.. I am not good at expressing my emotions or giving love.. because I am still like a traumatic child, threatened to be hurt or abused inside..
I trust little, or have difficulties trusting or believing in others.. I am just too busy protecting my fragile heart in general.


i am very sensitive n get hurt easily. i mostly avoid people.


even though no one can hurt me anymore,


this is a wrong conception, according to me. sure people can hurt you. when i go to the grocery store n someone jumps the line, i get hurt. when someone brushes past my shoulder n doesnt apologize, i get hurt n wish for an apology.

but the pain and traumatic feeling is still living inside my heart.. it's like I have all these fear and preassumption that everyone will hurt me and abandonme in the end, just like my parents. (when my parents sent me away to boarding school early on at the age of 13, that was a abandonment there)...
gosh.. this post is intense.. and I am getting a little headache and tears are starting to rush into my eyes..


being a parent is hard. i think not everyone is fit to be one. but they still go ahead n have it.

I can't trust that people will stay because how my parents sent me away without hesitations (they were too busy and preoccupied emotionally.. so they sent me away to UK for school)..
I can't trust and I can't stop protecting myself from others (even after growing up) because I grew up in a house when my parents are emotionally, verbally and physically abusive
the trauma is still alive inside my brain.. and that's probably the first time I really connect all the dots.. this explains why I can't form romantic relationships with men!


could be. my trauma has made me a bitter person full of hate for others n i'm always seeking solitude.

-> Now I have to actively educate myself that everyone is different and I can't assume people would be just like my parents.


with me i try to avoid people in general. i stay in touch with the good ones n avoid the unhealthy ones.

-> People have no way to hurt me because I don't count on them and because I am independent.


i disagree with this. just my opinion. people can hurt others. n its a wrong concept to want to be independent all the time. at times its good to do stuff by oneself but often we help each other.

like u help ur friends in some place n they help u in some other area.
but identifying those true friends is difficult.

-> My judgemental defense activates everytime when people start to walk close to me.. so I have to educate myself that it's okay for me to be afraid.. it's okay for me to worried but I cannot ASSUME that they will hurt me. and the truth is, most people will leave and most relationship will end in the end, except one. which is perfectly okay... because it's not about how the ending is, it's how we spent our time together :-)


i guess relations mature from affection to understanding the differences n accepting them.
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Re: Cruelty/ Anger/ Selfishness

Postby themissingme » Sat Aug 11, 2018 3:12 pm

yes you are right that people can still hurt me to certain extent..
though I won't let toxic people to stay in my life or to hurt me emotionally...
and the truth is everyone can hurt me and sometimes our best friends will hurt us accidentally or disappoint us as well.
but it's okay.. I will survive from the pain.

but I won't let toxic people into my life.
I don't have hope, so God reaches out and gives me hope.
I don't feel loved, so God found me and shows me His never failling love.
I don't feel happy, so God shows me what happiness can be like..

*The Darkest Night Brings the Brightest Stars*
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Re: Cruelty/ Anger/ Selfishness

Postby jaus tail » Sat Aug 11, 2018 7:12 pm

themissingme wrote:yes you are right that people can still hurt me to certain extent..
though I won't let toxic people to stay in my life or to hurt me emotionally...
and the truth is everyone can hurt me and sometimes our best friends will hurt us accidentally or disappoint us as well.
but it's okay.. I will survive from the pain.

but I won't let toxic people into my life.


true. even i dont allow toxic people to enter my life. or maybe i let people enter but once i realize they're toxic i dont let them stay in my life. it takes time to figure out if someone is toxic or not.
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