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Restricting calories as a form of self-destructive behavior?

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Re: Restricting calories as a form of self-destructive behavior?

Postby cirkusrat » Tue Jul 31, 2018 10:28 pm

Good evening Msyoga 302, and thanks so much for your kindness and support.
Currently, I'm walking between 5 and 10 kilometers daily. Actually, this isn't even something I do "just for the fun of it", it's to get from A to B in terms of walking from my home to the station, from the statio to my current workplace, distance I'll wlk when I'm running errands etc. My current job consists of cleaning every afternoon Mon-Fri for 1,5 hours. Since I'm rushing around and vacuum cleaning, wiping surfaces, emptying paper bins etc. I'm burning a lot of calores there, too. This is the reason I can only go swimming in weekends. Because, you know, I'm just too tired to do any other cardio when I' walking such long distances and cleaning 1 hour or more. I don''t xperience a lot of pain due to lack of nutrients, what I do experience is feeling very weak, my body feels heavy, I might feel dizzy and tipsy, and I can't feel my legs/feet properly. Especially the lower part of my legs and my ankles. They often feel numb and as if they're asleep. Especially when I've been sitting down with crossed legs for a while. Then I really need to be careful when standing up and walking since the decreased sensibility can make me fall and I might injure my ankle. This has happened once so far, about a month ago. Haha I must've been looking so goddamn stupid and clumsy :D Though back to the pain, sometimes I feel like there's some cramp or so in my thigh/lower leg. But I'll assume it's because of walking so much, and plus, I'm usually walking at a very fast pace :wink:
regarding the weight training: I do find myself thinking about it for a while. But again, then this problem about having to look ill/sick pops up in my mind...And I know training w/weights will make me look strong and healthy. But a reason i've been considering weight training or strength training in general is because it'll probably build more muscle, and the more muscle, the faster the metabolism and the more calories burned. Pretty bad argument I know bc I probably shouldn't be losing more weight, but I'm just so screwed :cry: But, in fact I'm wondering if I'd even gain muscle by weight training. Because, now that I'm not eating enough calories, my body must be taking energy from my muscle stores and from what's lft of my fat stores. Or what do you think?
Are you a professional weight lifter or something? I was an elite swimmer once. Last Sunday, I was swimming in the public indoor pool for about 45 minutes. Within that time, I managed to swim 46 laps (1 lap=25 m). Not so much, but something :wink: . Next goal: 50 laps at least within 45 minutes. Wishing you the best, cirkusrat.
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Re: Restricting calories as a form of self-destructive behavior?

Postby Msyoga302 » Wed Aug 01, 2018 4:52 am

cirkusrat,

It sounds like you have a pretty good walk to work and cleaning can be tiring. I have been lifting weights for 15 years , I competed in crossfit, and came close to competing in figure/bikini. Fitness is a way of life for me.

With the light headedness I would make sure you are eating enough. And yes if you started to do weights you would need to consume more calories, but think instead of people commenting on you for being sick they would say wow look at her shes so strong. The more muscle you have typically the higher your metabolism, although on a scale muscle weighs more than fat.

Dont be afraid to eat. If you dont like what you are eating, try something else. There are so many different types of proteins out there! And as hard as it maybe, try not to let what someone else thinks about you decide how you eat. Only you know how you feel. Is there a certain weight that you feel better than others?

Just remember, being happy will also make people notice. Right after I overcame a big negative cycle with my bpd I will not forget the day my dental hygienist called my dad after a appointment i had. She said I was so pleasant and happy. It really made me feel good to know that I was positive and she enjoyed my company.

Typically speaking, you should be eating the calories you burn. In vs out. I do not know any information on you, but you will get stronger if you can maintain your muscle and by maintaining your muscle you will feel better and burn more calories faster so you can eat more! Have you found any type of food that you really enjoy? You could reward yourself, say once every few days or once a week is what I do.

I am not sure if I helped at all. I hope so.

L.
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Re: Restricting calories as a form of self-destructive behavior?

Postby cirkusrat » Wed Aug 01, 2018 10:55 am

Msyoga302 wrote:cirkusrat,

It sounds like you have a pretty good walk to work and cleaning can be tiring. I have been lifting weights for 15 years , I competed in crossfit, and came close to competing in figure/bikini. Fitness is a way of life for me.

With the light headedness I would make sure you are eating enough. And yes if you started to do weights you would need to consume more calories, but think instead of people commenting on you for being sick they would say wow look at her shes so strong. The more muscle you have typically the higher your metabolism, although on a scale muscle weighs more than fat.

Dont be afraid to eat. If you dont like what you are eating, try something else. There are so many different types of proteins out there! And as hard as it maybe, try not to let what someone else thinks about you decide how you eat. Only you know how you feel. Is there a certain weight that you feel better than others?

Just remember, being happy will also make people notice. Right after I overcame a big negative cycle with my bpd I will not forget the day my dental hygienist called my dad after a appointment i had. She said I was so pleasant and happy. It really made me feel good to know that I was positive and she enjoyed my company.

Typically speaking, you should be eating the calories you burn. In vs out. I do not know any information on you, but you will get stronger if you can maintain your muscle and by maintaining your muscle you will feel better and burn more calories faster so you can eat more! Have you found any type of food that you really enjoy? You could reward yourself, say once every few days or once a week is what I do.

I am not sure if I helped at all. I hope so.

L.


Msyoga302,
yeah, just tracked the route on google maps and it says 1,7 km each way, requiring about 21 minutes of walking. But as I'm walking at a high pace, it only takes me like 15 mins. So 3,4 km to get to and from work, plus an extra distance since I need to walk to the station from my home before taking the train to the station in the city where I work. Plus, I'm walking when I'll have to go buy something at the supermarket or visit the library, etc. And yeah, cleaning can indeed be tiring, especially when you're restricting :( :wink: And the fact that it's a big area I have to clean (it's a wide shop area plus big office room plus cantina/kitchen/eating room, plus toilets) doesn't make it better. But of course, the more exhausting it is, the more claories I'll burn so I'm not complaining.

Wow, respect. You must be really good. I once saw a documentary about female fitness/bikini models. They impressed me a lot. Also I've seen a documentary about a girl doing crossfit and competing. Actually it really fascinated me.

Yeah, regarding the feeling dizzy/lightheaded I also think eating enough is the go-to solution...I'll eat something before leaving home, and I'm always bringing 3x 0,5l bottles of diet coke to work. And before starting work, I'll have a cup of strong espresso along with my cigarette in order to "energize" and prepare to get the work done. It seems to work for me, ie I manage to get done cleaning the areas I have to within 1,5 hours, mostly less actually. And though I'm tired and weak at the beginning, I quickly get into a flow where I'm almost flying from room to room, walking really fast across the areas with my cleaning utensils.

You're probably right, doign wiehgts would require more calories in order to gain/maintain muscle. I try to imagine people saying wow she's so strong, such a tiny girl but still so storng, and actually I think it would make me feel good. But still, I'm just too screwed, too caught up in wanting to look sick :( Even reminding myself that more muscle weight=more calories burned doesn't quite seem to do :/

Actually, the problem is not that I'm very picky about food or that I'm afraid of it or don't like it. Or well, I AM picky since there's a lot of foods I can't allow myself to eat since they're too much carbs, fat etc. The problems is more that I can't allow myself to eat them even if I like them. Because they would ruin my restriction. I'm eating a lot of protein each day. And a lot of fibres. Yoghurt, cottage cheese, sometimes a tiny bit of meat from beef/chicken/poultry. And fish sometimes, like tuna or shrimps. Give me a lot of protein also. Fibers: Lots of veggies and fruit like strawberries/blueberries. Eating salad as a meal each day, I'll add at least 50g of broccoli and I'm eating cauli flower each day, around 300-400 grams because it's so low in calories.
Regarding the question if there''s a certain weight I prefer, I'll have to admit that my goal is just to weigh as little as possible. Even now that my BMI is way below the green mark and I'm underweight, it doesn't make me stop. I just have to keep on losing. It's so stupid, I know :( But I'm so screwed and caught up in this restriction thing. So the weight where I'll feel the best = lowest weight possible.

Happy to hear that you overcame a big BPD hurdle. And you're certainly right there, feeling happy, looking happy, confident, smiling, will also give you attention from others and make them notice you and like you and think positive things about you. I experience this myself often, But again: this distorted view of mine is just so stuck in my head, I know it probably seems so impossible to help me and make me understand that things aren't this way, I don't have to be or look sick/ill for others to notice me and love me and give me attention and care.

I really enjoy yoghurt, especially the one with 0,1% fat. There's one at the supermarket around the corner, it's vanilla yoghurt with only 0,1%fat and it's 36 calories per 100 g and 100 g will give you about 5g of protein. Also, in my country we have a sort of yoghurt that has a thicker texture and contains more protein. I like that too. And cottage cheese, light jelly/marmelade for topping my crispbread slices since I can't eat normal bread anymore. Sometimes, a slice of meat. Or shrimps on top of a layer of cottage cheese. And so on. Fibers, a lot of them, in my daily salad and cauliflower rice. And I'm drinking a hell lot of tea/coffee, both since they can work as diuretics and since certain types of tea can speed up metabolism/help with fat burning and thu help with weight loss. And also because I need my daily caffein rush to make it through the day.

You surely helped. Love, cirkusrat.

-- Wed Aug 01, 2018 11:55 am --

Msyoga302 wrote:cirkusrat,

It sounds like you have a pretty good walk to work and cleaning can be tiring. I have been lifting weights for 15 years , I competed in crossfit, and came close to competing in figure/bikini. Fitness is a way of life for me.

With the light headedness I would make sure you are eating enough. And yes if you started to do weights you would need to consume more calories, but think instead of people commenting on you for being sick they would say wow look at her shes so strong. The more muscle you have typically the higher your metabolism, although on a scale muscle weighs more than fat.

Dont be afraid to eat. If you dont like what you are eating, try something else. There are so many different types of proteins out there! And as hard as it maybe, try not to let what someone else thinks about you decide how you eat. Only you know how you feel. Is there a certain weight that you feel better than others?

Just remember, being happy will also make people notice. Right after I overcame a big negative cycle with my bpd I will not forget the day my dental hygienist called my dad after a appointment i had. She said I was so pleasant and happy. It really made me feel good to know that I was positive and she enjoyed my company.

Typically speaking, you should be eating the calories you burn. In vs out. I do not know any information on you, but you will get stronger if you can maintain your muscle and by maintaining your muscle you will feel better and burn more calories faster so you can eat more! Have you found any type of food that you really enjoy? You could reward yourself, say once every few days or once a week is what I do.

I am not sure if I helped at all. I hope so.

L.


Msyoga302,
yeah, just tracked the route on google maps and it says 1,7 km each way, requiring about 21 minutes of walking. But as I'm walking at a high pace, it only takes me like 15 mins. So 3,4 km to get to and from work, plus an extra distance since I need to walk to the station from my home before taking the train to the station in the city where I work. Plus, I'm walking when I'll have to go buy something at the supermarket or visit the library, etc. And yeah, cleaning can indeed be tiring, especially when you're restricting :( :wink: And the fact that it's a big area I have to clean (it's a wide shop area plus big office room plus cantina/kitchen/eating room, plus toilets) doesn't make it better. But of course, the more exhausting it is, the more claories I'll burn so I'm not complaining.

Wow, respect. You must be really good. I once saw a documentary about female fitness/bikini models. They impressed me a lot. Also I've seen a documentary about a girl doing crossfit and competing. Actually it really fascinated me.

Yeah, regarding the feeling dizzy/lightheaded I also think eating enough is the go-to solution...I'll eat something before leaving home, and I'm always bringing 3x 0,5l bottles of diet coke to work. And before starting work, I'll have a cup of strong espresso along with my cigarette in order to "energize" and prepare to get the work done. It seems to work for me, ie I manage to get done cleaning the areas I have to within 1,5 hours, mostly less actually. And though I'm tired and weak at the beginning, I quickly get into a flow where I'm almost flying from room to room, walking really fast across the areas with my cleaning utensils.

You're probably right, doign wiehgts would require more calories in order to gain/maintain muscle. I try to imagine people saying wow she's so strong, such a tiny girl but still so storng, and actually I think it would make me feel good. But still, I'm just too screwed, too caught up in wanting to look sick :( Even reminding myself that more muscle weight=more calories burned doesn't quite seem to do :/

Actually, the problem is not that I'm very picky about food or that I'm afraid of it or don't like it. Or well, I AM picky since there's a lot of foods I can't allow myself to eat since they're too much carbs, fat etc. The problems is more that I can't allow myself to eat them even if I like them. Because they would ruin my restriction. I'm eating a lot of protein each day. And a lot of fibres. Yoghurt, cottage cheese, sometimes a tiny bit of meat from beef/chicken/poultry. And fish sometimes, like tuna or shrimps. Give me a lot of protein also. Fibers: Lots of veggies and fruit like strawberries/blueberries. Eating salad as a meal each day, I'll add at least 50g of broccoli and I'm eating cauli flower each day, around 300-400 grams because it's so low in calories.
Regarding the question if there''s a certain weight I prefer, I'll have to admit that my goal is just to weigh as little as possible. Even now that my BMI is way below the green mark and I'm underweight, it doesn't make me stop. I just have to keep on losing. It's so stupid, I know :( But I'm so screwed and caught up in this restriction thing. So the weight where I'll feel the best = lowest weight possible.

Happy to hear that you overcame a big BPD hurdle. And you're certainly right there, feeling happy, looking happy, confident, smiling, will also give you attention from others and make them notice you and like you and think positive things about you. I experience this myself often, But again: this distorted view of mine is just so stuck in my head, I know it probably seems so impossible to help me and make me understand that things aren't this way, I don't have to be or look sick/ill for others to notice me and love me and give me attention and care.

I really enjoy yoghurt, especially the one with 0,1% fat. There's one at the supermarket around the corner, it's vanilla yoghurt with only 0,1%fat and it's 36 calories per 100 g and 100 g will give you about 5g of protein. Also, in my country we have a sort of yoghurt that has a thicker texture and contains more protein. I like that too. And cottage cheese, light jelly/marmelade for topping my crispbread slices since I can't eat normal bread anymore. Sometimes, a slice of meat. Or shrimps on top of a layer of cottage cheese. And so on. Fibers, a lot of them, in my daily salad and cauliflower rice. And I'm drinking a hell lot of tea/coffee, both since they can work as diuretics and since certain types of tea can speed up metabolism/help with fat burning and thu help with weight loss. And also because I need my daily caffein rush to make it through the day.

You surely helped. Love, cirkusrat.
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Re: Restricting calories as a form of self-destructive behavior?

Postby MelissaRose » Thu Aug 02, 2018 4:46 pm

I read your post and you are almost exactly the same as me. I restrict to feel in control and while I don't really want to look sick it's a similar thing. I like looking small and childlike so that people will want to take care of me. I restrict all the time and look at pro ana websites to help me. I'm glad that I'm not alone because most people just want to be beautiful but I'm almost past the point of caring whether it looks good, I just want to look like a child and have the control. I sometimes feel bad for making people worry though, my girlfriend has cried about it a few times and it makes me feel really mean. I'm going to get help for it soon, even though I'm reluctant to put on weight.

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Re: Restricting calories as a form of self-destructive behavior?

Postby cirkusrat » Fri Aug 03, 2018 9:56 pm

MelissaRose wrote:I read your post and you are almost exactly the same as me. I restrict to feel in control and while I don't really want to look sick it's a similar thing. I like looking small and childlike so that people will want to take care of me. I restrict all the time and look at pro ana websites to help me. I'm glad that I'm not alone because most people just want to be beautiful but I'm almost past the point of caring whether it looks good, I just want to look like a child and have the control. I sometimes feel bad for making people worry though, my girlfriend has cried about it a few times and it makes me feel really mean. I'm going to get help for it soon, even though I'm reluctant to put on weight.

V


Hey and thanks so much for your reply. Glad I might also have made you feel you're not all alone with this problem. For me, it always helps to read similar experiences from others. Yeah, I think we feel similar, a great big part of it is the feeling of being able to controll something now that there's so much inside of ourselves and around us we can't control. Interesting point, restricting to look tiny and childlike in order for others to take care of you and giving you attention and love and caring about you. I can relate to you in the way that I'm also restricting in order for others to notice me, give me attention, take care of me etc. I understand you might be feeling mean but remember, you're not doing it in order to hurt those around you or in order to be mean. You're doing it because right now, this is the only way you can control your inner/emotional chaos. But I know the guilty feeling you might experience when others worry. Today, I saw my current TP for the 1st time since a month and I've lost at least 2kgs during this time. And I could almost tell from the way she looked at me that she was worried about my low weight. First thing she said: You haven't put on wieght since last time. Have you lost further? Yep. A lot, in fact. But still: I just can't stop. So caught up with this and stuck in it by now. And I also don't want to put on weight. I don't even want to maintain this low weight, I wan't to lose more weight and get skinnier. Though I know it ain't pretty anymore, and unhealthy and dangerous as hell as well. So despite my TP and others like her keep telling me to put up my daily calorie intake, I just can't. Hope you'll get help for this. Stay strong. Love, cirkusrat.
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Re: Restricting calories as a form of self-destructive behavior?

Postby Xeniaxx » Thu Aug 09, 2018 2:38 pm

So sorry to read this. I kind of know the feeling, I think. I used to cut because otherwise I couldn't prove to myself how bad my mental state was.. so absurd. There needed to be something physical wrong for me to acknowledge my mental pain and feel like I "deserved" help/attention from others.
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Re: Restricting calories as a form of self-destructive behavior?

Postby cirkusrat » Fri Aug 10, 2018 4:51 am

Xeniaxx wrote:So sorry to read this. I kind of know the feeling, I think. I used to cut because otherwise I couldn't prove to myself how bad my mental state was.. so absurd. There needed to be something physical wrong for me to acknowledge my mental pain and feel like I "deserved" help/attention from others.


Hey,
thanks so much for your reply, this post has been standing still for a week now, so really happy to see your reply since my restriction is still just as bad. And thanks for your understanding, it does really mean a lot!!
As for your cutting, now it's my turn to say I'm sorry :( I can follow your thoughts regarding it, when you see the wounds/scars it's like a visible reminder of what's going on inside your head and soul. And since the emotional chaos and emptiness and loneliness etc. is so hard to grasp, so hard to understand, so impossible to control, doing physical harm to yourself can be a way of visualizing it, grasping it, getting it out like moving it from the inside to the outside, and trying to regain control. Physical self damage can certainly have a relieving effect, which is what makes it so addicting and dangerous... And last but not least, it can also be a sign to show others in order for them to give you the attention and care you so need. I hope you're doing ok, you wrote "used to cut" so you aren't doing it anymore? I'm still restricting, so caught up in it now though I've long crossed the healthy line and people can tell, seems I'm so stuck in this circle now I can't escape it.
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