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Missing my therapist unbearably much

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Missing my therapist unbearably much

Postby cirkusrat » Fri Jul 13, 2018 1:03 pm

I've been thinking about posting this for a while and finally got to do it now, as I can't stand being alone with this anymore. I've been seeing my current therapist for 2,5 years now. But my time with her is about to end. In September, I'll move away in order to start studying at university. Even if I didn't move away, I'd have to stop seeing her in a couple of months because I'm getting too old to be in that department (department for children & adolescents).
Currently I'm seeing her once every week, but at the moment she's on vacation and has been so for a week now. My next appointment with her isn't until 3rd August. Today, it's been barely 1,5 weeks since I last saw her, and I'm already breaking inside from missing her so much. To make it clear, I've become EXTREMELY ATTACHED to her. After all, I've been seeing her for a long time. But also, I know my attachment to her is part of my BPD. Now that she's on vacation it's getting clear to me what it'll be like to no longer see her, and I can't handle the thoughts and feelings this brings up in me. I know I'll be starting therapy in the new city at a clinic specialized in personality disorders, and that I'll have weekly sessions there. And the psychiatrist who diagnosed me knows that clinic and says they're really good over there. But no matter how hard I try to think of this, I just can't deal with the pain associated to leaving my current therapist. It's a feeling of INTENSE SORROW AND GRIEF. The pain is so strong it's unbearable. I feel like my life will never be the same without her. I feel like no matter how many therapists I'll meet in the future, I will never be able to build such a relationship with them like I have with her. I feel like I'm losing something I won't ever have again, so I'll have to live the rest of my life with the feeling of something deep inside me missing. I'll never be complete without her.
Studies start 1st September and my next appointment is 3rd August, and assuming I'll see her once a week, I've only got like 3 appointments left with her. Just thinking about this and writing it makes me want to cry. I just want to hold her tight and not let go of her, ever. I often imagine how the very last session will be and I know I probably won't even be able to speak because I'll be so broken.
Does anyone know this? Any advice/tips/similar stories will mean so much to me. I don't know how I shall survive these 3 weeks until my next appointment with her, not to mention the time after leaving her. Have you got any tips for me? Be it on how to survive these 3 weeks that have to pass before my next appointment with her, or on how to distract myself, what to do in a day, or on how to say goodbye to a beloved therapist, etc. Stay strong out there.
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Re: Missing my therapist unbearably much

Postby cirkusrat » Sat Jul 28, 2018 4:16 pm

Just gotta survive less than one week now...
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Re: Missing my therapist unbearably much

Postby jaus tail » Sun Jul 29, 2018 4:42 pm

I've been thinking about posting this for a while and finally got to do it now, as I can't stand being alone with this anymore. I've been seeing my current therapist for 2,5 years now.


when i joined my new work place in 2014 i got attached to a colleague in just 2 months. we didnt speak much but when she was leaving the firm in 2 months i felt very bad.

this happened when anyone left the office. i felt like they shouldnt leave, and that we should all work and live together like a happy family even though i barely spoke with anyone.

if possible then at the new place mention to the uni office or some counselor at uni that you have bpd. in the uni form i have mentioned depression. it didnt help me as in the uni didnt get a counselor for me, but i felt like i am acknowledging my ailment n that relieved me to a slight extent.

But no matter how hard I try to think of this, I just can't deal with the pain associated to leaving my current therapist. It's a feeling of INTENSE SORROW AND GRIEF. The pain is so strong it's unbearable. I feel like my life will never be the same without her.


yes there will be intense sorry n grief. it feels like someone is peeling off your skin, one inch at a time n without any anesthesia.
i wrote a list of pros and cons when i moved to uni. sure i hate this place but i had no other option this time.

a constructive action is better than motivation. i wrote down in a piece of paper the pros why i'm moving. n i put the paper in my wallet. here is my list:
pros:
Get to live in new city
you can work out
job with big salary
life is all about compromises
give urself a chance
dont make the habit of choosing what feels good over what's actually good for you
life has no answers, only stories
I feel like no matter how many therapists I'll meet in the future, I will never be able to build such a relationship with them like I have with her.


could be. and this is natural. you'll make a different with the new therapist. just like with each friend the level of friendship is different. with some people we're casual friends, with some people it's more emotional friendship where we can discuss personal stuff.

your relation with the new therapist will be differnet because you've grown by experience. we had differnet kind of life at school n then different kind of life at college. its never the same.

I feel like I'm losing something I won't ever have again, so I'll have to live the rest of my life with the feeling of something deep inside me missing. I'll never be complete without her.


nature abhors vacuum. at first there will be sorrow that will make u feel complete. u'll want to go back to her right away.
but give urself 2 to 3 weeks. i'm sure in that much time you'll be more adjusted. it will take that much time.

plz dont make the mistake of quitting uni midway n returning to ur therapist. i made that one last year.

Studies start 1st September and my next appointment is 3rd August, and assuming I'll see her once a week, I've only got like 3 appointments left with her. Just thinking about this and writing it makes me want to cry. I just want to hold her tight and not let go of her, ever. I often imagine how the very last session will be and I know I probably won't even be able to speak because I'll be so broken.


yeah even reading it is painful so i understand. think of it like a mother giving birth to a baby. child birth is painful but would you want the baby to always remain the mother's womb.

maybe give ur therapist also a chance. it would be hard for her as well.

at uni i often listen to sad songs to relax. n i've sort of accepted the pain n grief. like i'm not imagining disney level happiness anymore. so the expectation is less.

Does anyone know this? Any advice/tips/similar stories will mean so much to me. I don't know how I shall survive these 3 weeks until my next appointment with her, not to mention the time after leaving her. Have you got any tips for me? Be it on how to survive these 3 weeks that have to pass before my next appointment with her, or on how to distract myself, what to do in a day, or on how to say goodbye to a beloved therapist, etc. Stay strong out there.


maybe u can write a letter. i did that at my first company where a group of colleagues were leaving after training. later one colleague said he often reads that letter.

it wont be easy. but the alternative is worse.
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Re: Missing my therapist unbearably much

Postby cirkusrat » Sat Aug 04, 2018 8:42 am

Hey jaus, first off thanks for your helpful reply and sorry I haven't answered it earlier.

jaus tail wrote:when i joined my new work place in 2014 i got attached to a colleague in just 2 months. we didnt speak much but when she was leaving the firm in 2 months i felt very bad.

this happened when anyone left the office. i felt like they shouldnt leave, and that we should all work and live together like a happy family even though i barely spoke with anyone.

if possible then at the new place mention to the uni office or some counselor at uni that you have bpd. in the uni form i have mentioned depression. it didnt help me as in the uni didnt get a counselor for me, but i felt like i am acknowledging my ailment n that relieved me to a slight extent.


Yeah you're right. We don't need to know a person for 2,5 years in order to get attached. 2 months or 2 days can be enough. I've had many experiences where I've become attached to people I've met only a couple of times. And the most odd thing: I didn't even know them personally. Oftentimes (mostly, in fact now that I'm thinking about it), it's been professionals. I would build a relationship to them inside myself, having imaginary conversations with them, thinking about them, longing after being with them and getting attention, love, care from them. It seems ard for me to build such a relationship to a person my age and my level. That way, my strong/close relationships are always lacking equivalence. I feel the best when they're the older person with more skills and life experience and maturity, and I can be the young girl for them to take care of. Odd. And unhealthy in terms of building relationships, I think. That way, my relationships will never be equivalent. Need to work with this, I guess. And so does my TP.

But no matter how hard I try to think of this, I just can't deal with the pain associated to leaving my current therapist. It's a feeling of INTENSE SORROW AND GRIEF. The pain is so strong it's unbearable. I feel like my life will never be the same without her.


jaus tail wrote:yes there will be intense sorry n grief. it feels like someone is peeling off your skin, one inch at a time n without any anesthesia.
i wrote a list of pros and cons when i moved to uni. sure i hate this place but i had no other option this time.

a constructive action is better than motivation. i wrote down in a piece of paper the pros why i'm moving. n i put the paper in my wallet. here is my list:
pros:
Get to live in new city
you can work out
job with big salary
life is all about compromises
give urself a chance
dont make the habit of choosing what feels good over what's actually good for you
life has no answers, only stories


Thanks for your inspiration. Think it's a great list you put together there. I do try to focus on all the good things this leaving my therapist and moving away will bring. And she keeps telling me it'll be so good for me to move away, into the dormitory, and start uni. And I'm full of anticipation and excitement, I really am, truly. Talked to her yesterday. And she reminded me, when I mentioned how sad I am because of having to leave her, that I'd have to leave her anyway due to my age. And she reminded me of all the good new things that will come into my life. And the new relationships I'll build. Healthy relationships tith non-professionals. Of course, also relationships to the professionals at the ew psychiatric department etc. I keep telling her it'll never be the same as the relationship to her. But she tries to make me think of it this way: though I'm leavign her, she'll remain inside me. Because what we've had I'll remember, and I'll be able to ask myself, what would my TP have said/done now? And I know that's true. It's just so hard to not be able to hug her anymore after appointments, to vent about my life and problems and receive her care and attention :( But I''ll try. I have to.

jaus tail wrote:could be. and this is natural. you'll make a different with the new therapist. just like with each friend the level of friendship is different. with some people we're casual friends, with some people it's more emotional friendship where we can discuss personal stuff.

your relation with the new therapist will be differnet because you've grown by experience. we had differnet kind of life at school n then different kind of life at college. its never the same.

You're right. That's what she keeps telling me too. It might not be the same, but maybe the new therapist(s) will be able to give me something she couldn't give me. I know they're very great at the psychiatric department in the new city I'm going to. They're specialized in personality disorders and offer weekly sessions and a special BPD program, group therapy etc. And the psychiatrist who diagnosed me knows the place since having worked there herself, and she says they're so damn good and professional and I believe that and I'm happy about it. And relieved. Excited and thrilled to go there. And yesterday my TP told me the psychiatrist is trying really hard to find the best persons over there for me, ie persons she know I'll be able to build a strong TP-client relationship with since she knows me and thus also which people I "click" with. Appreciate that a lot.

jaus tail wrote:nature abhors vacuum. at first there will be sorrow that will make u feel complete. u'll want to go back to her right away.
but give urself 2 to 3 weeks. i'm sure in that much time you'll be more adjusted. it will take that much time.

plz dont make the mistake of quitting uni midway n returning to ur therapist. i made that one last year.


"nature abhors vacuum" - what a beautiful sentence. Thank you. And I believe it's true, I believe you're right there. First, the sorrow will be there to fill me out. The wanting and longing to go back to her. Which I know I can't, of course. So I won't do that. And I think you're right about 2.3 weeks. I mean, I just experienced that in those 4 weeks I had to do without her because of her vacation. The first 1-2 weeks were hard as hell - I was so sad and even just thinking about it made me sob. But after 2-3 weeks, it became better. I learned how to cope, how to distract myself, things to do to make time pass and think about something else. Things to fill out the emptiness her absence had created inside me. Coping skills, guess you could put it that way. Yesterday, she said that though I'm no longer her patient after 1st September '18, it doesn't mean I'm not allowed to write her someday and tell her how I'm doing and what my life looks like right now. But she pointed out that it's important that I'm not writing her straight away after moving. Probably after some months. Because else, I won't let go of her and thus it will just prolong the agony.

jaus tail wrote:yeah even reading it is painful so i understand. think of it like a mother giving birth to a baby. child birth is painful but would you want the baby to always remain the mother's womb.

maybe give ur therapist also a chance. it would be hard for her as well.

at uni i often listen to sad songs to relax. n i've sort of accepted the pain n grief. like i'm not imagining disney level happiness anymore. so the expectation is less.


I like your metaphor about childbirth. I think you've made a great point there. A beautiful one. Thank you. Actually, my TP menationed something about childbirth when talking about our relationship/goodbye yesterday...Funny :D Yeah, it probably ain't easy for her either...After all, I've been her patient for 2,5 years and she's seen me at my worst, seen me a day before I was put into hospital, seen me lose weight due to restriction as a form of BPD self harm, seen me terribly sad but also happy an with a smile on my face, she's seen the development I've made etc. Yesterday, she said she'll also miss me. And of course, that brings tears to my eyes straight away. Even now, writing this :cry: I think it can indeed be helpful to listen to sad songs. I do that myself too. Soothing, kind of. Telling you you're not alone. And sometimes it just helps to swim around in the sadness.
And I think acknowledging an accepting the pain, sorrow, ad grief, is very important and helpful too. Yesterday, I told my TP that I probably won't even be able to talk during the last session since I'll be so sad and the tears will make my throat close completely. She said that's totally fine, I don't need to talk if I can't, I can just be sad and cry as much as I need to, we can be sad together if that's what I need and if that's all I'm able to. She's just so kind and comforting and understanding :cry:
You're right, expecting less than disny level happiness is indeed helpful and can certainly prevent disappointment and depressed feelings/thoughts. I like to remind myself of a quote I once read somewhere. Something about: Hope for the best. Expect the worst. I often try to do that, in fact.

jaus tail wrote:maybe u can write a letter. i did that at my first company where a group of colleagues were leaving after training. later one colleague said he often reads that letter.

it wont be easy. but the alternative is worse.


Have been thinking about the letter thing for a long time, actually. Sure I'll do it.
By the way: net appointment with her is Friday next week. So assuming I'll see her once per week, I've got 3 appointments left with her... It's getting real close now man :( I know that at the end of next session I'll have to tell her that I'm just so worried about the second last session. Because it will be the last session before the VERY last session :(
Thanks again for your insightful and helpful reply. -cirkusrat
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Re: Missing my therapist unbearably much

Postby cirkusrat » Sat Aug 04, 2018 8:58 am

Ohhh yeah forgot to write one thing.
Sitting outside the door enjoying one of my dozen morning cigarettes a minute ago, I remembered you mentioned the thing about telling the uni about your disorder in order to maybe get a counselor or something. When I applied for uni, I uploaded an application for a mentor at uni. It's a service offered in my country for people with functional problems/handicaps, physical or mental. It's given in order to secure they can complete their education on the same level as people without such problems. To provide fairness and equal possibilities. Think that's a great initiative. It required documentation of the problem which I also uploaded (document stating my diagnoses etc.). really hope I'll be given a mentor at uni. Would be really nice and comforting and safe to know that I'm covered there, too. Like a security net to catch me if I fall.
Sorry to hear that you weren't given a mentor/counselor, though. I think they should've given you one. Did they state the reason for rejecting your wish of having a counselor? But at least it's good that you felt relieved about being open about your ailments.
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Re: Missing my therapist unbearably much

Postby jaus tail » Sat Aug 04, 2018 9:28 am

i had typed a big reply n it got deleted. lol.

I would build a relationship to them inside myself, having imaginary conversations with them, thinking about them, longing after being with them and getting attention, love, care from them.


i'd do this a lot. i'd have imaginary situations where someone is looking after me, giving me attention, cuddling me, treating me like i'm their favorite person. like best friends forever.

once i said hello to a new colleague at office n next hour i was imagining going trekking with him n being best friends n doing camp fire.

what helped me stop is: i read a quote that said, 'dont swim oceans for someone who wont jump a puddle for you' as much as i want my friends to give me attention they have other priorities n its ok. i mean it hurts at times to realize that they dont think of me as much as i think of them. but its fine.


Think it's a great list you put together there. I do try to focus on all the good things this leaving my therapist and moving away will bring.


please write a list right now n put it in ur purse or wallet. i've put it in my wallet. we forget things in our mind, but when we make a real list we see it often n that helps remember.

And she keeps telling me it'll be so good for me to move away, into the dormitory, and start uni. And I'm full of anticipation and excitement, I really am, truly. Talked to her yesterday. And she reminded me, when I mentioned how sad I am because of having to leave her, that I'd have to leave her anyway due to my age. And she reminded me of all the good new things that will come into my life. And the new relationships I'll build. Healthy relationships tith non-professionals. Of course, also relationships to the professionals at the ew psychiatric department etc.


put this in the list.

I keep telling her it'll never be the same as the relationship to her. But she tries to make me think of it this way: though I'm leavign her, she'll remain inside me. Because what we've had I'll remember, and I'll be able to ask myself, what would my TP have said/done now? And I know that's true. It's just so hard to not be able to hug her anymore after appointments, to vent about my life and problems and receive her care and attention :( But I''ll try. I have to.


but you both are not separating. she can visit the city through your eyes. here's what i do. i have an fp back home n i miss her a lot. so every meal i click photo of the meal n that night i watsapp her the photo. this way my fp is also seeing the new city with me. through my eyes.

likewise your therapist can also get a chance to see the new city and new uni through your eyes and the mobile photo. think of how happy your therapist will be when you show her your happy photo in the uni.


You're right. That's what she keeps telling me too. It might not be the same, but maybe the new therapist(s) will be able to give me something she couldn't give me. I know they're very great at the psychiatric department in the new city I'm going to. They're specialized in personality disorders and offer weekly sessions and a special BPD program, group therapy etc. And the psychiatrist who diagnosed me knows the place since having worked there herself, and she says they're so damn good and professional and I believe that and I'm happy about it. And relieved. Excited and thrilled to go there. And yesterday my TP told me the psychiatrist is trying really hard to find the best persons over there for me, ie persons she know I'll be able to build a strong TP-client relationship with since she knows me and thus also which people I "click" with. Appreciate that a lot.


put this in ur list as well.


I mean, I just experienced that in those 4 weeks I had to do without her because of her vacation. The first 1-2 weeks were hard as hell - I was so sad and even just thinking about it made me sob. But after 2-3 weeks, it became better. I learned how to cope, how to distract myself, things to do to make time pass and think about something else. Things to fill out the emptiness her absence had created inside me. Coping skills, guess you could put it that way.


experiences is best teacher.

Yesterday, she said that though I'm no longer her patient after 1st September '18, it doesn't mean I'm not allowed to write her someday and tell her how I'm doing and what my life looks like right now. But she pointed out that it's important that I'm not writing her straight away after moving. Probably after some months. Because else, I won't let go of her and thus it will just prolong the agony.


that's nice of her. now its ur job to make her happy. u explore the new city and new uni and click photos of all the food u eat, of all the new places u visit, of ur dorm, of that insect(and there will be one:P) in ur dorm, of the clothes u dry in the laundry line, of the new friends u make, of the books and the library and the handsome professors. its ur job to click all the above photos and send them to the therapist on sunday. or when u return to the current city on some holiday.
the more photos u share the more even ur therapist will experience the new city n new uni.

Have been thinking about the letter thing for a long time, actually. Sure I'll do it.
By the way: net appointment with her is Friday next week. So assuming I'll see her once per week, I've got 3 appointments left with her... It's getting real close now man :


i understand the anxiety. when i left the place, i was staring at clock n hoping for some job offer/call so i wouldnt have to go. but it didnt happen. the more aware u are of ur emotions the better. take slow steps.

feel free to talk of ur emotions here or pm me.

( I know that at the end of next session I'll have to tell her that I'm just so worried about the second last session. Because it will be the last session before the VERY last session :(
Thanks again for your insightful and helpful reply. -cirkusrat

[/quote]

to be honest it doesnt really matter how u say goodbye. how u treat someone all the years u were together is more important than the behavior on goodbye day. many people treat each other like crap the entire lives n shed tears on goodbye day. or they throw a fancy birthday party to compensate.

in reality how u behave in 364 days is more important than how u treat someone on their birthday :)

but yes the goodbye moment will be tough since u too have a deep relation. maybe keep a photo of ur therapist n urself in the wallet so u can look at it often.

take care.
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Re: Missing my therapist unbearably much

Postby cirkusrat » Wed Aug 08, 2018 12:00 am

Hey once again, and thanks so much for your empathetic and explanatory reply!
Oh damn I know the feeling of relief just havign written a long reply, only for it to shift into frustration the next second because it gets deleted :shock: :( :lol: Somehow if you've been writing for a long time then the page throws you off ie logs you out and your text is deleted, so frustrating That's why now, I always copy the whole damn thing and press ctrl+c in order to backup and prepare for the worst ;)

I for sure will make such a list as soon as possible. Now I know which points to add, and for sure there'll be even more.
I think it's an interesting way of viewing the goodbye - that you dont' part completely, but that you're still a part of eachother's lives through photos, messages, etc. Nice that you're still in contact with your FP this way. Though she said I'm more than welcome to write her, I'll have to wait some time, probably a month at least, before I write her after our last session. Else, I won't be able to let go, as she puts it. Hmmm, I don't know how I could send her the photos, but it's a really nice and funny and kind idea! Because, you know, I'm not on FB with er and she's 61 (not that should hinder you from using social network) and doesn't have like snapchat or so I guess at least. But maybe, I could put the best photos in a mail and send them all together with a description? FOR SURE I'll make secret snapshots of the hot teachers/students at uni ;) :D That's one of the things I'm looking forward to, actually haha.

Your experience of planning a trekking trip with camp fire with your new and just met colleague actually made me smile, I think it's really sweet :D

I agree, what matters is not the very last session and the goodbye, but all the many sessions I've had with her during the last two and a half years. So that way, it won't be too bad if my throat is closed by sadness and tears and sobbing :lol: :cry: :( Honestly, though. It's the whole picture that matters. And I've got a good picture of the last 2,5 years with regular sessions with her. And that's what matters.

Thanks again and thanks for your offer to pm you. The same goes for you as well, whatever the topic, I'll try to be as helpful as possible. Take care, too. -Cirkusrat.
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Re: Missing my therapist unbearably much

Postby jaus tail » Wed Aug 08, 2018 2:59 am

cirkusrat wrote:I for sure will make such a list as soon as possible. Now I know which points to add, and for sure there'll be even more.


make a list right now. because later the mind will forget it.
so please make a list right now. and also put action reasons there rather than 'i am self-motivated' which some people(nons :D ) write.

reasons can be:
my therapist also gets to travel new city with me as i will click lots of pictures.
i will get big degree that will get me a good job.

to be honest these two are pretty good reasons. reasons such as 'i'll make new friends or i'll have new experience' are subjective and shouldnt be relied on too much.

ur first few weeks will be very difficult. think of the baby crying at birth. so be prepared for a few extra dose of emotions but once you surpass the toughest stage, you'll fly and your therapist will be very proud of you.
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