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inner turmoil and the drive to self-destruct

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inner turmoil and the drive to self-destruct

Postby PapasFritas » Wed Jun 13, 2018 12:31 pm

I haven't been formally diagnosed with Borderline PD, but what I am experiencing seems similar to the symptoms I see described, so I hope I can post here to see if anyone can relate to my experience.

Nothing is logically apparently wrong with my outer life. I have a girlfriend, and good job, and two wonderful boys.

But I have long suffered from depression and anxiety, severely at times. I'm relatively stable at this point.

But I have a restless, dissatisfied, frustrated core in my soul which cries out for relief. Its drive is to break through my superficial appearance of peacefulness and call attention to my pain in a dramatic manner. Outbursts, substance abuse, personal property destruction, job abandonment, dramatic attempts at securing attention and pity are all inner drives which this "demon" longs to bring to the surface.

I have begun recently with Prozac. It does quiet the inner turmoil somewhat, but it feels like a thin barrier that could be broken through quite easily. Emotions are muzzled, which is unpleasant in its own way. It's an internal battle between the demon and antidepressant chemistry.

As Peter Frampton would say, do you feel like I do? What is your strategy for handling these moments?
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Re: inner turmoil and the drive to self-destruct

Postby themissingme » Wed Jun 13, 2018 3:27 pm

it sounds like there are a lot of unresolved pain inside of your heart.. a therapist would be useful to help digging deeper into what you are feeling.. and why are you upset underneath... the "superficial appearance of peacefulness".
when we are upset, we would try to destroy everything we have..
when we are feeling unworthy or undeserved to be loved, that's when we want to destroy the things that is important to us as well.. I am not sure if this would apply to you or not.
:-)
it's not a "demon" as such, it's just a lot of painful feelings that you have been experiencing throughout your life.
I don't have hope, so God reaches out and gives me hope.
I don't feel loved, so God found me and shows me His never failling love.
I don't feel happy, so God shows me what happiness can be like..

*The Darkest Night Brings the Brightest Stars*
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