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Attracted to Complex Men

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Attracted to Complex Men

Postby Emberly » Wed May 16, 2018 6:44 pm

I've always been drawn to complex men. I'm not sure if this have anything to do with my having BPD. I seek out men who are intelligent to the point of being difficult to understand. Who have out of the box ideas or views. I consider them alpha males. They also tend to be a bit narcissistic. Definitely self assured. I know that men with these traits don't generally form attachments and arent the best at validation. I should be seeking out the opposite, since I require validation, commitment, devotion, etc. I'm just not attracted in the least to men who would give me all of that without hesitation.

I've noticed this pattern of picking men like this my entire adolescent and adult life. My father was this way, also. Selfish, elusive, unapologetic, self assured, but he was also charismatic, jovial, complimentary, humorous. He just refused to conform, he put himself before all else. I'm angry with him for that and admire him for that at the same time.

I'm thinking that since I never felt security from my father I seek out men who are like him and try and make them completely enamored with me, but when they do fall in love with me I'm constantly scared they'll leave, constantly seek validation, constantly test and question their love and commitment. I really want to break this pattern, otherwise I know I'm never going to have a long lasting relationship.

Does anyone relate?
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Re: Attracted to Complex Men

Postby lifecrisis » Sat May 19, 2018 4:17 am

I can relate. I feel like we all look toward solving our psychological issues with our opposite sex parent. My father passed away when I was 15. Guess what kind of men I fall for?

Controlling, insulting, introverted, condescending, jealous, complicated, philosophical, overprotective, complex just LIKE my father. Ohh and they tend to be a decade older

I try and make one particular treat me like an adult and with respect and try and get them to trust me. Instead he tried to control me like I was some little girl he was trying to protect and discipline, and insult me from time to time so he could use me use me as an outlet just like my father.

Anyways, the fantasy element in my r/s was huge.

I feel like that's the thing with BPDs, we are emotionally intense/complex people that are in our heads a lot, fantasizing of something or the other, simeultaneusly seeking these fantasies in real life, yet having very low practical intelligence(street smarts), and avoiding abandonment due to trauma. We seek novelty but not in a similar way a lot of people do. We do it to enliven a idea, fantasy, or concept, or take on a new identity/persona all together as we tire of an outdated layer of us. But we do often come off as fragile, vulnerable, and needing to be protected.

I'll tell you why we go for the selfish ones, 'complex' ones.

1. We want to avoid abandonment so once we love them, it's hard for us to let them go.
2. We are deep thinkers so we see the beauty of their darkness and complexity and find reasons to stay. Others look at the darkness at face value. The beauty is non-existent to them.
3. Cognitive dissonance. Once a BPD has invested so much time and energy to a r/s, and also because they are scared of abandonment more than the normal person, they want to believe that their partner has value.
4. They are trying to solve trauma with the opposite sex parent. Many BPDs have disorganized attachement styles due to parents that broadcasted narcissistic traits.
5. Narcisstic or complex men also tend to have a type of intensity. We often correlate mystery to intensity and depth. Like a moth to a flame scenerio. And cluster B men tend to be natural charmers and for our personality types that want to seek and question the value and see the beauty in the most mundane of things, these are the people that can make our world brighter and more colourful.
6. Cluster B men also tend to be thrill seekers, we are also very novelty seeking and love a good adreneline rush.

I hope this makes sense. I like unique men too. I can listen for hours to a man that is trying to make the sky sound pink. Yet also, I like men who wants to protect me even if protection graduates into something worse.
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