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do I want to be happy? or not?

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do I want to be happy? or not?

Postby themissingme » Mon May 14, 2018 2:33 pm

I am beginning to notice that I have a pattern of making myself upset.. it can be trying to see myself as a victim, trying to see that people are unkind to me, or focusing on the negative instead of the positive aspects of life..
I am beginning to question if I was the one who deliberately to not feel happy or what..
cognitively, I know that I feel more comfortable to be dwell in sadness.. so i have little hope in life.. therefore I won't have the chance to feel disappointed.. but the truth is, I still feel disappointed when people are not nice to me.. even though that I know they were not nice in the first place.

The truth is, I have little reason to complain much though, but still.. despite what I have, I can still feel that something is missing from my chest... I know this is my BPD trait/ symptoms.. that something will always be missing because of my neglectful and abusive parents..
it's not easy to live with this feeling at all..
I am easily hurt, easily upset, easily fantasize about others and get disappointed afterwards..
can I be stronger? can I train my brain to focus more on the happy things that happened in life?
I know I can...

I know I am stronger than I think
I know that I can be even more grateful for what I have
I know that there are a lot more things that I can feel grateful for
things that didn't come easily
I know that I am not much of a victim in many cases
I have the power to say no
I have the power to reject those who didn't take me seriously
I have the power to protect myself
I have the power to be happy
I have the power to enjoy life..
I don't have hope, so God reaches out and gives me hope.
I don't feel loved, so God found me and shows me His never failling love.
I don't feel happy, so God shows me what happiness can be like..

*The Darkest Night Brings the Brightest Stars*
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Re: do I want to be happy? or not?

Postby perejil » Mon May 14, 2018 6:16 pm

themissingme wrote:I am beginning to notice that I have a pattern of making myself upset.. it can be trying to see myself as a victim, trying to see that people are unkind to me, or focusing on the negative instead of the positive aspects of life..
I am beginning to question if I was the one who deliberately to not feel happy or what..


I do this too. So does my mom. I see it better in her than in myself.

There's something morbidly fascinating about being the victim, about being oppressed, being guilty. If that weren't the case the Catholic Church would be nearly as popular.

I've sometimes wondered whether my contributions to this forum weren't some form of self-flaggellation. (I don't do the more typical borderline self-harm thing.)

That's not always the case. There's a lot going on in my head, I think. A lot of balls all bouncing at once.

But I do think the self-victimization thing is something borderlines ought to consider.
Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes.

—Walt Whitman
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Re: do I want to be happy? or not?

Postby joedeb1941 » Tue May 15, 2018 1:29 am

perejil

've sometimes wondered whether my contributions to this forum weren't some form of self-flaggellation. (I don't do the more typical borderline self-harm thing.)

Yes you beat yourself to death over some little thing ,I agree I think you like whipping yourself into a frenzy
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Re: do I want to be happy? or not?

Postby jaus tail » Tue May 15, 2018 10:42 am

i too often like being the victim. there were dreams where i wanted to be physically challenged cause then i'd 'rise' in life and succeed despite the odds.
if i saw a sob story on tv, i wished i were the person with that sob story.
one reason is attention. the more problems in my life, the more attention i think i'll get.
in tv, cancer patients get more attention than people who have common cold.

i didnt get much attention in childhood. so now i crave for that 'oh he's so special'
at least i used to. now no more fantasies to have some ailment.

one reason to believe oneself to be the victim is:
it removes any responsibility off me.
its easy to blame others than to take responsibility for my life. so i blame others n i become the innocent and pure person.
a bpd sees things as black n white. so he himself wants to appear clean and pure, bereft of any guilt. so i blame others for my mistakes.

i think everyone does this to some extent and not just people with a pd. and to some extent it is true. no one is born a criminal or a soldier. parents, school mates, teachers, neighbors influence a baby's mind and character.

many people are unhappy with their lives and they all have someone who tripped their life goals at some point.
a sour relation. a mistaken friendship. an envious colleague/neighbor. a sibling who never advised right.

n it then becomes a habit to blame others. just like one cannot learn to write from the weak hand in 1 day or one cannot be a master of a language in a month, it takes time to ween the mind off the drug of 'victim mentality'

the past is like a wound that's never healed. at times i think it's okay to blame others. some mistakes like wasting years by being in a wrong marriage are irreversible as the years can never be brought back.

its only in quotes where we see 'my life, my rules', ' dont let the past consume your future', ' dont depend on others'

we affect others just as others influence our lives. so part of the victim mentality is true that others did have some part in shaping our lives and we also had parts to play in shaping lives of people around us.

i dont think there is any solution to 'stop blaming others'
at times its ok. but if done all the time then the person becomes bitter.
there is one quote:
birds sing after the storm. why cant humans rejoice at whatever there is left.
hypocrite me cause i indulge in blame game a lot.
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Re: do I want to be happy? or not?

Postby themissingme » Tue May 15, 2018 2:51 pm

jaus tail wrote:i dont think there is any solution to 'stop blaming others'
at times its ok. but if done all the time then the person becomes bitter.
there is one quote:
birds sing after the storm. why cant humans rejoice at whatever there is left.
hypocrite me cause i indulge in blame game a lot.


I blame others often too.. it's much easier to be the victim than to own up all the responsibilities. but as I take more responsibility up onto my back.. I feel happier in a way.. I feel more in control with myself, with my emotions as well.
I would quickly jump into the victim mode.. as the victim of my parents' poor parenting styles.. as the victim of an abandoned child who didn't get much attention or love.. it's just so easy to blame every problems that I have onto my parents.. but as I grow older.. I am now 33.. I just want to have more control because I know that there is nothing I can do about my past who was ruined by my parents.. and I still have the "present".. so here I am trying to take up as much responsibilty as I ever could for myself.. so that I could live a happier life..

so I have more love to give in a relationship too...

:-)
I guess we are all responsible for our lives and for our happiness at the end of the day. :wink:
I don't have hope, so God reaches out and gives me hope.
I don't feel loved, so God found me and shows me His never failling love.
I don't feel happy, so God shows me what happiness can be like..

*The Darkest Night Brings the Brightest Stars*
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Re: do I want to be happy? or not?

Postby jaus tail » Tue May 15, 2018 3:06 pm

Just my opinion but I don't think we are all responsibile for our lives. I think there are no absolutes. For some things we are responsible, for some we're not.
At times we take help at times not.
Some people can ruin lives of others beyond repair.

It doesn't matter really who ruined our lives. But at the end we have to get our lives back on track either by ourselves or with help of others or with therapy or pets. :D
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Re: do I want to be happy? or not?

Postby themissingme » Wed May 16, 2018 3:38 pm

jaus tail wrote:Just my opinion but I don't think we are all responsibile for our lives. I think there are no absolutes. For some things we are responsible, for some we're not.
At times we take help at times not.
Some people can ruin lives of others beyond repair.

It doesn't matter really who ruined our lives. But at the end we have to get our lives back on track either by ourselves or with help of others or with therapy or pets. :D



that's true.. just like that I think my parents were responsible for ruining part of my life.. and yup I am responsible for getting my lives back on track and my cat, good food and one or two good friends around me would help to make this miserable place a little happier :-) (in your case, your plants help too!) ;-D
I don't have hope, so God reaches out and gives me hope.
I don't feel loved, so God found me and shows me His never failling love.
I don't feel happy, so God shows me what happiness can be like..

*The Darkest Night Brings the Brightest Stars*
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Re: do I want to be happy? or not?

Postby jaus tail » Wed May 16, 2018 4:04 pm

true.
often i wish my parents' parents had helped their kids. that would've led to a better life for my parents.
we can trace it to having better grandparents or even beyond that.

having kids is a humongous responsibility and requires lots of sacrifices. today morning i was checking how the seeds were germinating n i ended up squashing up one seed. so yeah parenting is really a difficult job.

n back in earlier days couples were pretty much supposed to have kids. a couple couldnt say 'i dont want to have kids as i'm not ready.'

the society pressure n family pressure was immense. thinking that 'i dont want to be a parent' was considered a taboo.

it takes a village to raise a kid.
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Re: do I want to be happy? or not?

Postby themissingme » Thu May 17, 2018 2:47 pm

jaus tail wrote:true.
often i wish my parents' parents had helped their kids. that would've led to a better life for my parents.
we can trace it to having better grandparents or even beyond that.

having kids is a humongous responsibility and requires lots of sacrifices. today morning i was checking how the seeds were germinating n i ended up squashing up one seed. so yeah parenting is really a difficult job.

n back in earlier days couples were pretty much supposed to have kids. a couple couldnt say 'i dont want to have kids as i'm not ready.'

the society pressure n family pressure was immense. thinking that 'i dont want to be a parent' was considered a taboo.

it takes a village to raise a kid.



I totally agree with you!!!!! It takes so much to raise a kid properly, and no one know how to do that.. they can only raise the kids in the same way that they have been raised.. and some of them are not lucky enough to be raised by happy parents..
I don't have kids myself just yet and I am not dying to have one either.. (although my clock is clicking) but I don't want to rush it at all.. because I am not ready to put a kid's life before mine yet.. having that awareness would tell me that I don't want to have any child yet..

:-)

I am feeling a little upset today.. just realized that the teammates that I have been working with have been talking behind my back.. I though we were good teammates but I guess we were not.. so that was disappointing..
I am upset that I can't make any deep connections with people around me and I am desperate for some real connections.. someone who truly cares about me.. so deprived of love as usual. :-/ it's so lonely here at where I am at.. so sad..
I don't have hope, so God reaches out and gives me hope.
I don't feel loved, so God found me and shows me His never failling love.
I don't feel happy, so God shows me what happiness can be like..

*The Darkest Night Brings the Brightest Stars*
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Re: do I want to be happy? or not?

Postby jaus tail » Thu May 17, 2018 4:21 pm

i think everyone talks behind everyone's back at some point or another. no one is perfect. we all have some flaws. others notice that n talk behind our backs.

it may not even be a flaw. just a different perspective or way to do things.

but then again i dont know how much and what do they talk behind your back.

yeah the loneliness is haunting. at my both workplaces i didnt have many friends. i started having meals alone as it was stifling to have lunch with some other colleagues.

i tried befriending them but it was exhausting until i realized its better to eat alone. n even they respected my decision.

my one female colleague said 'you are just like my husband. even he likes to be alone.' that made me feel less alone.
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