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Please stay and never leave me...

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Please stay and never leave me...

Postby themissingme » Tue Apr 10, 2018 3:28 pm

Dear all, I am totally new to this and please allow me to share my life living with BPD

Starting from my childhood, my parents were physically, verbally and emotionally abusive. My mum does love me but she is constantly in an emotionally overwhelmed state so she was never there emotionally for me. Without her consistent support and having a neglected and verbally, physically abusive father, I recalled myself feeling very lonely, rejected, and sad throughout my childhood, I even wanted to have a "ghost friend" who can always be with me..

Teens and early adulthood, tried to please people who are around me so they can be my friends. I tried to say the right things, do the right things so that they might accept or liked me.. which didn't really work and I was never really "me".. so I had learnt to cut, learnt to use drugs (briefly), had several tattoos when I was feeling emotionally pain, and I also used alcohol to numb my intensive feelings too..

early 20s to late 20s -
had a long relationship that lasted over 5 years, and I almost thought that he will not leave me in the end but he did eventually, he was the only good object in my life but things didn't work out between us in the end. That broke a piece of me as well, I don't know who else can I trust that will never leave me?

late 20s- early 30s
I am no longer using drugs and I am not abusing alcohol either, no smoking, no longer tattooing myself (did remove most of my tattoos too), no longer cutting or hurting myself physically when I am in pain. I have a good job, am physically fit and attractive, it's easy for guys to fall for me initially, but they will all get pushed away by me in the end... have been in tons of relationships, short ones.. and I never let them stay on my heart for too long and I also move on very quickly too.

Internally, I am still afraid of getting close to people, I would push people away, say things to keep them away from me, emotionally distant them, withdraw from them after they got closer to my heart, sometimes I would emotionally withdraw myself after sex.. because I got too afraid and paranoid after it due to the intensity.
Romantically, I would only "allow myself" to fall for the people that are unstable, immature, players, people that I can guarantee that they will abandon me in the end.. (and they did eventually)... so here I am, feeling so lonely inside my.. it's like having a hole there and it will never be completed no matter what I do... no matter how many people liked me, I guess I still don't love myself.. because people will eventually leave me..

can someone share your experience as well? does anyone feel the same way as I do?
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Re: Please stay and never leave me...

Postby jaus tail » Wed Apr 11, 2018 4:04 am

eventually everyone leaves everyone. nothing lasts forever.
i used to have dreams where all my friends and i lived together in one giant house. i still think of them at times. it's tough to realize that maybe they dont miss me as much as i miss them.

since eventually everyone leaves everyone, the only option is to make the most of the time available.
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Re: Please stay and never leave me...

Postby themissingme » Thu Apr 12, 2018 2:14 am

jaus tail wrote:since eventually everyone leaves everyone, the only option is to make the most of the time available.


Thank you for sharing me your thoughts... and I almost cried while reading your reply .. I know exactly how it’s like to wish that it would be so nice to have all of the close friends around, living next to each other :*-) and yes it’s painful to know that it feels like we are the ones who remembered and missed others the most and people can just walk away and forget all about the moments that we had...

and it’s so true that we only have “now”, can only make the most out of what’s available now and hold onto it before it slips away.
What’s your story like?
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Re: Please stay and never leave me...

Postby jaus tail » Thu Apr 12, 2018 6:17 pm

I miss my office friends all the time. Once I called a friend n we had nothing to say. There was silence on phone n we said goodbye n hung up.

Priorities Change. Also friendship doesn't mean chatting each day. It means being there when needed.

I've asked a friend to record a message for me. When I miss him a lot, I listen to his recording.

I have made a few new friends online. Chatting there helps.

But there were 2 years when I wanted to cling to my friends like a kitten.
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Re: Please stay and never leave me...

Postby themissingme » Fri Apr 13, 2018 2:40 pm

jaus tail wrote: Also friendship doesn't mean chatting each day. It means being there when needed..


this is so true.. I had to convince my emotional/ BPD brain all the time that people might not talk to me everyday and it doesn't mean they are not my friends and it doesn't mean that they don't like me.. it's a painful feeling to be missing our friends/ lovers way more than they do.. I had to constantly keep myself busy to manage my feelings of missing someone..

it gets tiring.. I try to give out what I can and when people can't reciprocate I feel hurt and used..
when I feel that people are not missing/ liking me as much as I do for them, I feel rejected too.. I know this is totally wrong.. and it's a faulty thinking of mine..

it just takes so much energy to stay "sober" <- staying "sober" means having to control my BPD thinking and "think like a normal person". it tires me out.. especially when I freaked out or get paranoid after having strong feeling for someone.. argh!
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Re: Please stay and never leave me...

Postby jaus tail » Sun Apr 15, 2018 10:10 am

yeah it's very very tiring. it's mentally exhausting. makes me think i'm stuck whereas everyone else has moved on in life.
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Re: Please stay and never leave me...

Postby themissingme » Sun Apr 15, 2018 2:23 pm

jaus tail wrote:yeah it's very very tiring. it's mentally exhausting. makes me think i'm stuck whereas everyone else has moved on in life.


thanks for being here with me emotionally.. at least I know that I am not alone on this forum, because we all feel the same way :-) you are not the only one who feels stuck, I am too.. I guess we will always be carrying a piece of us from the past, remembering all of the beautiful and painful moments from past relationships, but it doesn't mean that we can't have more beautiful ones in the future.. we can still experience more of life right? :-)
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Re: Please stay and never leave me...

Postby julllia » Sun Apr 15, 2018 3:00 pm

themissingme wrote:
jaus tail wrote: Also friendship doesn't mean chatting each day. It means being there when needed..


this is so true.. I had to convince my emotional/ BPD brain all the time that people might not talk to me everyday and it doesn't mean they are not my friends and it doesn't mean that they don't like me.. it's a painful feeling to be missing our friends/ lovers way more than they do.. I had to constantly keep myself busy to manage my feelings of missing someone..



why can't you just say hi everyday though.i don't get it.
not talking constatly always but just hi for example.
honestly i don't get how friendship isn't talking often,almost everyday.
so they expect to never talk and whenever they need something to come.that is family lol
wouldn't friends think you are only there when you need something.
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Re: Please stay and never leave me...

Postby themissingme » Sun Apr 15, 2018 3:28 pm

it's probably the fear that I might not be that important to someone that stops me from reaching out first
it's probably the need of wanting to feel that I am important to them and I am being missed by someone so I wait for people to reach out first.

you are right that I could have been proactive to make the first step when I miss them instead of acting like a dependent child to wait for things to happen.. wait for people to like me/ accept me/ wait for people to say hi first.
:o
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Re: Please stay and never leave me...

Postby jaus tail » Sun Apr 15, 2018 3:58 pm

themissingme wrote:
jaus tail wrote:yeah it's very very tiring. it's mentally exhausting. makes me think i'm stuck whereas everyone else has moved on in life.


thanks for being here with me emotionally.. at least I know that I am not alone on this forum, because we all feel the same way :-) you are not the only one who feels stuck, I am too.. I guess we will always be carrying a piece of us from the past, remembering all of the beautiful and painful moments from past relationships, but it doesn't mean that we can't have more beautiful ones in the future.. we can still experience more of life right? :-)


i have started consciously accepting the new people who want to be friends with me. time is short. i go to a library to study and have made a friend there. i try to hang out with him.

but i still miss my old friends n wish we'd all live together.

themissingme wrote:it's probably the fear that I might not be that important to someone that stops me from reaching out first
it's probably the need of wanting to feel that I am important to them and I am being missed by someone so I wait for people to reach out first.

you are right that I could have been proactive to make the first step when I miss them instead of acting like a dependent child to wait for things to happen.. wait for people to like me/ accept me/ wait for people to say hi first.
:o


i think as we move away from people we run out of things to say. like if we are working together or studying together we have common stuff to discuss, like about some incident. but when we move away, its not as easy to share stuff as first we have to explain the situation n then discuss it.
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