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Please stay and never leave me...

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Re: Please stay and never leave me...

Postby julllia » Sun Apr 15, 2018 4:08 pm

themissingme wrote:it's probably the fear that I might not be that important to someone that stops me from reaching out first
it's probably the need of wanting to feel that I am important to them and I am being missed by someone so I wait for people to reach out first.

you are right that I could have been proactive to make the first step when I miss them instead of acting like a dependent child to wait for things to happen.. wait for people to like me/ accept me/ wait for people to say hi first.
:o


me too.
i think the first step might be easy especially when you don't care too much.later i freak out randomly because of what you said and back off. or the thought that they would change their mind or lie that they care etc
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Re: Please stay and never leave me...

Postby catdog4 » Sun Apr 15, 2018 7:06 pm

I thought i'd share my life story as well because there are a some similarities.

When i was a kid both of my parents were addicted to drugs. There were a lot of fights at home and for a child it was impossible to make sense of all that mess that was happening. I have only fragmented memories from my childhood, and almost no memories of my father. He died of an overdose when i was 8. My mom got very depressed, was still using drugs. Later she met a new man, he began living with us. I really hated him, my grandma, who was trying to help my mom, didn't like him too, i remember hearing them fight about taking care of me. I must have been a burden to all of them.

Eventually my grandma took and raised me. She only cared about me being fed and safe, i remember her saying to me that she's not my mom. I was doing bad at school, had problems controlling anger, but no one cared about me emotionally. As i understand now, i really suffered without realizing it. I was thinking of myself as some super human - these horrible things couldn't have and effect on me like they do on normal people. I still communicated with my mom, we were pretending to be 'friends'. I wasn't able to feel anything bad for her as i was still desperate for her love though i must have felt betrayed by her. Eventually she got better, stopped using drugs and was living with that man for many years but never took me back.

When i was 19 my mom got diagnosed with cancer and died quickly. I wasn't even able to cry. I had no feelings except total emptiness that consumed every aspect of my life. While she was sick she was living with me and my grandma (turns out the man she chose wasn't able or willing to take care of her). I totally denied it and blocked myself from the whole situation. I was studying in university, working out in gym excessively, developed an eating disorder, it was my way to focus on something else, to suffer in some other way without realizing my mom is actually dying in front of me.

When i was about 20 i began to cry uncontrollably, mostly while drunk. I was thinking a lot about my past but no one knew my whole story. I started arguing and fighting with friends about small things, i wasn't feeling understood by anyone. By that time i knew i was a total mess but didn't know if i could actually do something about it, i was thinking of myself as untreatable, unfixable.

I happened to have psychology lectures at university, the lecturer was a psychoanalyst and i became very interested in it. After the course ended i started therapy with her and it lasted 3 years. It helped me a lot. It was the first time in 21 years i told someone about my parents' drug addiction (as a child i was told not to tell anyone, later i became very ashamed of it like it was my fault) I understood a lot about my past, i felt all those emotions that i wasn't able to feel earlier, my relationships with other people became better, i started having romantic relationships, very messy ones, but still, for me it was a huge progress.

I'm 25 now, i have a job, i'm studying for master's degree and generally am doing pretty well in life. I have amazing friends and we're very close. I don't feel so angry anymore, i understand that my parents didn't know any better and though i feel hurt sometimes, i still love them in the end. I want to spend time with my grandma while she's still alive. I'm very afraid of those times when all of my family will be gone, i don't know how i'll cope then but writing it all i don't know how i survived the past either. I used to be very hard on myself, and now i'm not. I don't compare myself with others that much because knowing the context, i'm doing very well, i'm a strong person and have the experience that most people of my age don't.

I'm still pretty messed up emotionally, especially in romantic relationships. I used to be very afraid of intimacy and didn't allow people to get close. Now i learned to allow it, and i really want it but i tend to get very clingy and demanding once i really like someone. I tend to idealize them first and i get frustrated or angry easily. Strong feelings - love and hate - always go together for me, and i'm not always able to control them.
Now I've been in an amazing relationship for 6 months now, somehow i managed not to ruin it yet. He's older than me and we started dating after he had a major break up. Yesterday i said him that i love him for the first time, and he didn't say it back. I'm feeling rejected and anxious now, i don't know what will happen next and it's driving me crazy. Also, i didn't tell him about my past yet, and i'm always afraid that it might scare new people away.

Anyway, this post got very long. I just wanted to say that no matter what, there are always ways for growth and sometimes you don't know how much you can accomplish. Surround yourself with good people, go to therapy if possible, learn from your mistakes in relationships and don't lose hope. If i got better, you can too.
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Re: Please stay and never leave me...

Postby themissingme » Mon Apr 16, 2018 12:33 pm

I am learning too.. to accept that people might be interested in knowing me genuinely and maybe they will accept the whole me too.. I am not sure if it will be possible.. but I am trying to educate my emotional brain that no one is perfect here but we can all find someone or even a few people that who can accept us wholeheartedly...

it's scary.. the more I like someone, the less confident I am about myself.. the more I started to doubt, the more I am worry that they will stop liking me as soon as they know the "real" me.. as soon as they get to see the dark side of me :-/

that's probably why I don't let people into my heart

how do you cope with that?? any tips??
I don't have hope, so God reaches out and gives me hope.
I don't feel loved, so God found me and shows me His never failling love.
I don't feel happy, so God shows me what happiness can be like..

*The Darkest Night Brings the Brightest Stars*
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Re: Please stay and never leave me...

Postby jaus tail » Sat Apr 21, 2018 2:32 pm

it's scary.. the more I like someone, the less confident I am about myself.. the more I started to doubt, the more I am worry that they will stop liking me as soon as they know the "real" me.. as soon as they get to see the dark side of me :-/

that's probably why I don't let people into my heart

how do you cope with that?? any tips??


everyone has a dark side. i dont think other people are angels. i was talking about this to a friend that i feel everyone will hate me if they know what i've done.
he said:
do you know every secret that everyone else has done?
no.
it could be they've killed someone.
having a secret doesn't mean we dont deserve to stop talking with other people.

we may feel like confessing will lighten our minds, but maybe confess to someone who will understand.

telling secrets wont do any good. it could cost a valuable friendship. not everyone can understand the reason why we acted the way we acted when we did the mistake.

so its better to confess to a therapist or maybe this forum. or to a friend who is very very close.
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Re: Please stay and never leave me...

Postby themissingme » Sat Apr 21, 2018 3:23 pm

Yesterday i said him that i love him for the first time, and he didn't say it back. I'm feeling rejected and anxious now, i don't know what will happen next and it's driving me crazy. Also, i didn't tell him about my past yet, and i'm always afraid that it might scare new people away.


Thanks for sharing us your story, your struggles and hopes.. you have walked so far and I am truly happy for you! I guess I have learnt to realized that most people don't feel as intensely as we do, so it might take people longer to "love us" in the same intensity that we might feel for them.. be patience and hang in there! :-)
it takes years to get to "love" because it takes years to build that foundation with someone.. so even he didn't say it back to you, it doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you or doesn't like you much :-)

-- Sat Apr 21, 2018 11:32 pm --

[/quote]
everyone has a dark side. i dont think other people are angels. i was talking about this to a friend that i feel everyone will hate me if they know what i've done.


it's true that we all have a dark side.. I didn't do anything real bad.. I just feel that I am "bad" because I am selfish.. I always see myself before others :-/ it makes me feel like I am not worthy/ not good enough for someone to love me or accept me.. :-<
In a relationship, I freak out easily when giving love, I am too protective and I am quite slow in trusting too.. because of my overwhelming emotions, I am not consistent in giving love or showing concerns >_< I hope that someone I like can understand/ can accept me and like me for who I am.. I hope that is not too much to ask for?

Thanks for hearing me out and let me vent here :-) want to share me your story as well?
I don't have hope, so God reaches out and gives me hope.
I don't feel loved, so God found me and shows me His never failling love.
I don't feel happy, so God shows me what happiness can be like..

*The Darkest Night Brings the Brightest Stars*
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Re: Please stay and never leave me...

Postby themissingme » Sat Apr 21, 2018 3:34 pm

me too.
i think the first step might be easy especially when you don't care too much.later i freak out randomly because of what you said and back off. or the thought that they would change their mind or lie that they care etc[/quote]

I can totally understand.. because that's exactly how I am like too.. when I start to care more, I freak out easily and become very suspicious in believing that they truly care >_<
I don't have hope, so God reaches out and gives me hope.
I don't feel loved, so God found me and shows me His never failling love.
I don't feel happy, so God shows me what happiness can be like..

*The Darkest Night Brings the Brightest Stars*
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Re: Please stay and never leave me...

Postby jaus tail » Sat Apr 21, 2018 4:09 pm

it's true that we all have a dark side.. I didn't do anything real bad.. I just feel that I am "bad" because I am selfish.. I always see myself before others :-/ it makes me feel like I am not worthy/ not good enough for someone to love me or accept me.. :-<


at times its ok to be selfish. we can help others only if we are healthy and happy with our lives. at times we must help others but at times its better to think about our lives. once i gave some money to a cousin but he never returned the money. n later asked for more money. i learnt my lesson.

In a relationship, I freak out easily when giving love, I am too protective and I am quite slow in
trusting too.. because of my overwhelming emotions, I am not consistent in giving love or showing concerns >_< I hope that someone I like can understand/ can accept me and like me for who I am.. I hope that is not too much to ask for?


there really are no absolutes. at times its ok to be scared. its only in movies where people are very happy before they get married and are very sure about their decisions.

i was reading an article on news that said that even couples prefer to have some 'me' time n live in separate rooms on some days of the week.

Thanks for hearing me out and let me vent here :-) want to share me your story as well?


i'm struggling with sex addiction for now. struggling with my orientation as well. not really many friends left in life. have made too much career/life mistakes by quitting jobs just cause i wasn't 'feeling' right.
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Re: Please stay and never leave me...

Postby themissingme » Sun Apr 22, 2018 3:30 pm

You are right.. no one is really certain about the decisions that they have made and even the perfect couple would have some time in their lives that they would be doubting about the decisions.. and yes we all need some Me time every now and then to regulate ourselves into a happy state before we can give love to ther other person.

i'm struggling with sex addiction for now. struggling with my orientation as well. not really many friends left in life. have made too much career/life mistakes by quitting jobs just cause i wasn't 'feeling' right.


I guess if we are lucky, we will have 1 or 2 real friends in life? even having one who we can 100% open to, is rare. I guess it's totally normal, since it would take years to build up to that closeness. Some of my friends don't even have 1 person that they can truly open up to.. :-)

quitting jobs by mistake- does it happen when you are numb? when things happened to stir up your emotions?

orientation - do we have to have an orientation? why would it be a problem to be attracted to both sex? (there will be more fishes for you in the pond ^v^) it's perfectly fine to be attracted by both women and men I think, I don't see anything wrong with that at all!
I don't have hope, so God reaches out and gives me hope.
I don't feel loved, so God found me and shows me His never failling love.
I don't feel happy, so God shows me what happiness can be like..

*The Darkest Night Brings the Brightest Stars*
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Re: Please stay and never leave me...

Postby jaus tail » Mon Apr 23, 2018 10:26 am

I guess if we are lucky, we will have 1 or 2 real friends in life? even having one who we can 100% open to, is rare. I guess it's totally normal, since it would take years to build up to that closeness. Some of my friends don't even have 1 person that they can truly open up to.. :-)


we just have to find the right person to open up to. not all friends are good listeners and even that is fine. my one friend helps me with tax work n i helped him earlier with some office work. we get along well but not well enough to discuss life problems.

its lucky if we find someone with whom we can talk about our issues. but that person also has to be trustworthy.

quitting jobs by mistake- does it happen when you are numb? when things happened to stir up your emotions?


numb. i was numb in both jobs n felt like i couldnt continue anymore. didnt have any friends at either firm. now when i look back i realize everyone is struggling n maybe i should've tried harder.
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Re: Please stay and never leave me...

Postby themissingme » Mon Apr 23, 2018 3:06 pm

it's okay, it's never too late to start a new journey again :-)
we always have tomorrowwwww.. I see that you are filling up your application form to college?? what are you going to study? I hope that you can learn something you like in your program! maybe you will make some new friends there as well!!!! :-D


I just called off a relationship that wasn't right in the first place, dated a guy whos 25 and I am 33.. a guy who's not yet stable but I was attracted to him because I can feel so much when I am around him.. I would get upset too but I know I will feel better later on.. because this is the right decision (he was with a girl earlier, the girl has a bf and the guy was a third wheel.. I told him to end it or I won't be involved with him, then he called it off and now his girl came back and tell him that she broke off the relationship because of him) drama huh..

it's okay.. I guess that's life.. we don't always get happy endings right away but it's all a learning process afterall :-) painful but we will all get over it!
I don't have hope, so God reaches out and gives me hope.
I don't feel loved, so God found me and shows me His never failling love.
I don't feel happy, so God shows me what happiness can be like..

*The Darkest Night Brings the Brightest Stars*
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