Do I have BPD? (Q+A)

Please forgive me if i've posted this before. Struggled with posting this earlier today, so I think this is most likeley the first time.

1.Fear of abandonment.
I'm pretty avoidant, so probably no. Unless fear of abandonment is a factor in my avoidance.

2.Unstable relationships.
Not sure. I'm avoidant according to my teraphis, so I probably don't qualify for this. Unless never being in a serious relationship counts, then yes. Been in what I would call sorta relationships, but never been in a relationship with someone I love. If friendships count and not having friends counts, then maybe. Don't have contact with my previous friends, and don't have any other friends anymore. Not sure if that can be blamed on my or on my friends. Moved away from my hometown 5 years ago, and realized that after my bff died one year after I moved, that he were the glue that kept me together with some of my previous friends.

3.Unclear or unstable self-image
Not sure who I am. Been periods where I felt like people in movies, tv shows or books that I've read. Never felt that I have had a clear image, unless been from Norway or being from my hometown counts. Didn't have problem with moving away from my hometown though, and think on being a nationalist as somewhat stupid, so maybe I can cross this one. Tbh., not sure what it considered a normal self image, and would like to know that before I agree or disagree to this one.

4.Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. Spending money on books, games and consoles, and ended up with incasso afterwards, so yes.

5.Self-harm. .
Did once cut myself on my hand and then poured salt on it, after seeing salt being used on a wound in a movie. Do have problems with alcohol though, at least according to my therapist. Usually only drinks friday and saturdays in the weekends, and sometimes 1 or twice during the week, and got a problem saying no to drugs. Not sure if that qualifies for self harm though. I think a maybe for this one, is the most suiting.

6.Extreme emotional swings. Going from being optimistic to thinking about suicide on the same day, so yes. Usually don't think about suicide though, but often switch from being optimistic to being furious on the same day, so yes. Got good self control though, so my anger does only goes inwards. Anyway I wouldn't say it's extreme emotional swings, so a no for this one.

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness.
Wouldn't say chronic, but it depends on what qualifies as chronic. Often feels emptiness, but not on daily basis. I think maybe is the most suitable for this one too.

8.Explosive anger.
Not sure. Not where I attack other people though. My anger is only inwards. Like being furious with someone, and then furious and full of self hatred with myself, for not being able to say what i meant. So I think it's most likely a no for this one. Have burst of anger that I would consider like 7-8 on a scale, but that's usually only anger that harms myself. So I think it's most likely a no for this one, especially when I compare to the anger that people on bpd forums experience.

9.Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.
Have sometimes been a "tad" paranoid to some family members and previous friends, but not sure if if it's without a touch of reality. I'd say maybe for this one.

Not sure tbh. I think I'm somewhere between 4 and 6 symptoms, depending on how much is needed. I am however going to check with my previous theraphist, since I'm trying to get an appointment because of intrusive thoughts. And I've also started written a diary, since there's lots of things that I haven't been able to tell my therapist, and also because I wan't to rule out if I'm bipolar or not.

[in this post, I describe my dealings with severe anger issues and thoughts of suicide, and I might not be as articulate as I want to be about them. Take that as a possible trigger warning. If there's a better way to describe what I'm trying to say without making others feel uneasy, please let me know. I could just be overreacting and it's totally fine, but ya never know. Also, dear LORD this post got long. Sorry about that!]

My first post on this message board. I might have more to say in my own thread when I feel more "settled in."

I'm a 28-year-old male.

1.Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.

Eh, it's complicated. I live with my mother and she works a lot, and I don't get out too much and can't drive. So, I can have a sort of "cabin fever" that just makes me uneasy after several days without much human contact besides her (not saying she's not great, because she's probably one of the best people I know and will make time for me when I need it). This uneasiness can lead into, well, more of the other symptoms.

I don't feel like people will abandon me, because I try to recognize that it would make little sense. The people I've chosen to surround myself with and most (not all) the people that chose to surround me (family) are generally decent people who care about me and accept who I am and trust that I care about them the same way (which, I'm pretty sure, I do. but that's for the thread I'll make).

The only time I felt terrified about abandonment wasn't really about abandonment, but about trust issues. I got extremely paranoid that a guy I was dating was cheating on me. And that didn't make SENSE. Everything was fine and I was certain he loved me (and he knew about it), but it was just something that ate at me until I decided to end it with him. I was just tired of having anger flare ups over a thought that I knew I had no rational basis to have.

2.Unstable relationships. ...

As of the above, it's complicated. I only talk to maybe four friends regularly, all of whom are aware of my issues. And, of course, they're supportive. I have several other people I can call friends, but I don't talk to them often, mostly because... I just don't know what to say. Mostly pretty decent people too. I know if I could find something to talk to them about, we'd probably shoot the stuff and reconnect for a few hours.

I have pushed away one person because of my issues. At my own behest though. He's very catty and sassy, pointing out things you do wrong or making silly comments about your imperfections. To some people, that might be fine, but it just ate at me. He once invited me over to stay the night and try his never-before-made homemade vegetarian curry (even he admitted it was very bland), and those comments just made it so I couldn't sleep. So, I just told him that we shouldn't talk for a while. He said okay.

I don't know, did I overreact or was he toxic?

3.Unclear or unstable self-image. ...

Somewhat. Mostly, it's self-esteem and self-hatred issues that pop up when i'm in the midst of an anger flare up, anxiety or depression. I'm sure of who I am, but when i have an anger flare up, I feel TREMENDOUS guilt. The kind of guilt where you don't want to apologize because you "know" it wouldn't be accepted because you know you flipped up BAD.

These flare ups make me feel like I have something else inside me that isn't me. Most other emotions, I can find a source that matches the intensity. My anger? Very much not. I do not understand my anger, and that can make feel like I'm not myself.

I'd call myself a very calm person if it weren't for my rage issues.

4.Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. ...

This one refers to things like impulse buying, risky sex, alcohol and drug abuse, and the like. Not really. I never drink or smoke. To the point where I just don't understand alcohol. You could almost say I impulse buy, but not any more than a lot of other nerds I know. Risky sex? Well, some would say yes, but that can be more of a societal taboo distinction than a "is this behavior destructive to one's self or others?" distinction. But hey, maybe I'm just in denial about that. It's a possibility.

5.Self-harm. ...

This one here, man... During my anger flare ups, I'll bite my arm, punch myself in the face, scratch my face. I don't know WHY. I'll do it when nobody's around and I'll never tell anybody, and even then I'll feel extreme guilt.

I've also had suicidal thoughts, during, after and without these flare ups. I just feel so tired and exhausted over these feelings that I just don't WANT. And sometimes I think I'll do anything to make it stop. Including stopping everything else. My family has only recently known about this. I just didn't want to worry them.

6.Extreme emotional swings. ...

The anger, mostly. When I recover from a particular bad one after a few days, I can react to positive emotions pretty strongly, such as laughing louder than is probably appropriate. But this doesn't last as long, and I think it's more of an expression of a relief from the anger and emptiness.

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. ...

I'll sometimes be in funks for seemingly no reason. Usually not too terrible. Like, on the edge of "meh" and "sad." Sometimes, I'm annoyed at this, which can make it worse, because I WANT to do things I like, but can't do anything but stone-facedly watch YT vids. I think coffee helps a little, at least temporarily. Sometimes, these can be worse, with suicidal thoughts and just wanting to be left alone. And not being left alone during this can trigger anger flare ups. Which is extremely unfair to the person, which just makes me feel worse.

However, after a anger flare up, I'll definitely empty and worthless. A few days later, when things finally die down, I can feel... on edge. Like, "There's nothing bad happening. Why isn't there anything bad happening? That's what was going on earlier this week! The other shoe's gonna drop ANY second now!" And that feeling can make it difficult to enjoy anything. It really does end up making me feel empty.

8.Explosive anger.

Yes, if you haven't guessed yet ^^; I think I find myself getting angry at things I don't understand. My mother drinking too much and not being able to converse coherently, dishonesty, bigotry, lack of empathy, thinking that the mentally ill are all liars, even opinions on media that I find shallow. I just don't GET it. And I don't know how to deal with it. So, my first, and very wrong, instinct is anger. And that's not fair to anyone. Not to me, who could deal with these things more constructively and articulately. Not to the other party, who doesn't deserve that and deserves to be spoken to calmly and with clarity. I've seen people talk with people who they don't understand. And they don't scream. And I don't know how not to. And that doesn't help anybody understand anybody.

9.Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.

This one, I assume means the classic "splitting." Idealization of someone, followed by intense hatred. Somewhat. This one I really hate when I have it. I don't have idealization. People are people, and even the best people in our lives, and ourselves, are flawed. And that's okay!

But... when I get angry at someone specific, only for the duration of the flare up, I can believe some pretty crappy things about the person. "You're a stupid drunk." "You're just a racist who doesn't care about anyone." "Your opinion is based solely on what society says is popular and you don't actually think about what you enjoy." None of these are constructive. They're all destructive. They benefit no one. Not me, not them, not other people who might be affected by them.

Somewhat thankfully, this usually only lasts for the duration of the flare up.

Really, I want my anger and my distrust to END.

So in recent months my psychiatrist diagnosed me with a cluster B personality disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder. I'm not sure what he said about the cluster B P disorder. Can't remember what he said. Anyway I did lots of research and strongly believe I have bpd but i guess its all supervision until i get the full diagnoses. I will put down my info.

1.Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.

I don't have a fear of being left alone but I definitely rely on others so if a situation arose where I can't cling on to my family I would freak out and go completely crazy.
2.Unstable relationships. ...

I've been in an online relationship before and it lasted for about 1-2 months. I would always seek comfort from her but it wasn't all happy days. I often lost interest in her and got bored, only to take an interest in her again and seek comfort. It was confusing and obviously wasn't going well. There was a lot of drama, even so we loved each other. It was unstable no doubt. She said I was too emotional. Never been in a relationship since. I can't seem to get in the circle. I feel no one understands me and I couldn't enter any relationship even if I tried. I like attention and comfort but its hard to get.
3.Unclear or unstable self-image. ...

Even though everyone in my family says i'm not fat and insists im skinny, I don't think so at all! I take fat loss pills to lose weight and consistently on a diet. I dislike my body. I'm still in confusion who I am and it seems my past and my memories seem unreal at times. I don't understand myself.
4.Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. ...

I have manic episodes where I might smash things or stab objects. Only today I stabbed my wall over 100 times. I smashed my phone in high school impulsively and also hitting my head on the wall.I drink too much sometimes and I have no intention of stopping myself. I sometimes binge eat and that often leads to depression after. We can't forget about the impulsive spending spree I go on. I regret it afterwards.. 3 months ago I had a sudden urge to watch a movie at the cinema all of a sudden. I watched the movie alright and spent all my money while doing so. I did the same thing with my sister tagging along recently. I like the idea of sabotaging myself..
5.Self-harm. ...

I have a history of cutting myself *mod edit*. I still have scars on my shoulders and thighs. I have burns healing on my right hand and a few *mod edit* cuts healing still. I like the feeling of the burning sensation and cutting sensation. I shouldn't do it but I still do it. I don't understand why but it just feels good. I sometimes think of breaking my arm.
6.Extreme emotional swings. ...

So I can be in the shower completely depressed and drained. What do I do just a few minutes in my shower? I feel insanely impulsive and a little angry. I have a sudden build of energy and want to get out and do something. Well there's also moments where I don't want my cat hanging around me, like honestly pi** off animal.. I can then later go to her hug her and cling to her. I just keep changing sometimes and I find it exhausting. Have I already said I don't understand myself? Feel the same around family. I always get mood swings.
7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. ...

I lie on my bed with no feelings. I have an ache in my heart and feel nothing emotionally really, absolutely nothing. It feels worse than depression? I don't, have I said I don't understand myself? I definitely feel empty, I'm literally hollow.
8.Explosive anger.

Like maybe throwing objects across the room? Imagining killing people in my mind in insane ways? That's not explosive.. what about that wire in my brain snapping and smashing my tv remote moments later? I sometimes jump up and down like an arrogant kid kicking the floor.
9.Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.

I think people will shoot me from a moving vehicle sometimes. The houses at the back who shouted at me that one time, I think they will kidnap me if I go there at night. Someone came to advertise and at first sight I didn't trust him. Shaking my hand while smiling. That's a fake smile. He might, he might just want to take advantage of me and kill me. I really thought he would you know and to this day I still believe it's possible. I will never enter another house.
Thats leads to the derealization. This happens every day.. I feel my surroundings is unreal and unfamiliar. "Did it always look like this" "Everything looks weird" "It's like looking through a bubble" "Why is it so bright" "Why does my hand always look so strange no matter how many times I see it?"
I sometimes lose all senses, well that's how I feel. I can be determined that this world is fake and i'm the only one who is real. Even now I think it's not silly.

Anyways sorry for all the trouble. Thanks for reading all that :>

1.Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.

Hard to say. Perhaps I am this way, but I've learnt ways of avoiding it such as not getting close to people.

In the few relationships I've had, I would get upset by unreturned or late replies to texts and things like that. I wouldn't mention that, I would just think "That's it, she's leaving me" and things like that.

2.Unstable relationships. ...

Yeah you could say that.

3.Unclear or unstable self-image. ...

Yeah. I often start reading a book and it's like the most amazing thing in the world. Then halfway through I completely lose interest in it. Or I order a book online and by the time it arrives I've got no interest in it. And this applies to other things in my life as well. And people have judged me for this of course! Yay other people!

4.Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. ...

Numbers 4 to 8 seem very related.

5.Self-harm. ...

I've done things like punching a wall in anger or frustration.

6.Extreme emotional swings. ...

Definitely.

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. ...

Yeah. I think I've reduced this feeling by cutting some toxic people out of my life (sorry if that sounds like I'm an "abandoner", but they should have given me basic respect). Also by working at eliminating an addiction from my life. I'm still a bit addictive in other areas.

8.Explosive anger.

Oh yes, although I'm reluctant to talk about it because mentioning that you get angry makes people very judgemental of you. Also I wasn't allowed to have anger when growing up, as a general rule.

Anyway, I've broken a lot of things and shouted and screamed. I'm usually by myself when this happens, but sometimes others have witnessed it. And I DON'T go around taking my anger out on other people, but of course other people can be affected in a less direct way. Society needs to have healthier approaches to anger. I think abusive authority figures are to blame for a lot of anger issues.

9.Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.

A little. I haven't been sleeping too well so I feel a bit like that at the moment.

Hello everyone,

I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and self esteem issues my whole life. But the emotional dysregulation I experience insane. I honestly was just looking for a therapist today and googled "emotional dysregulation" and BPD popped up. I read the symptoms and was floored. It's just me.

1.Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.

I'm terrified constantly of my husband leaving me because I often feel like I'm horrible to deal with and undeserving of love, and that no one loves or understands me. I'm even terrified to the point of triggering extreme anger and temper tantrums (like throwing and breaking an antique mirror) if he tries to leave the situation and take a walk during an intense argument.

2.Unstable relationships.

See above, yup. Every romantic relationship I've been in has had highly emotionally (and often physically) volatile explosive conflict. My husband can't handle it and to me it seems normal.

I also do that "splitting" thing where people are either perfect on a pedestal or completly fallen from grace, with friends, family, and my husband. I will feel my brain switch back and forth and being aware of it has helped me not scorched earth people because I know I will regret it (from experience).

3.Unclear or unstable self-image. ...

I flip back and forth from thinking I'm awesome, hot, and rad to thinking I'm an utter garbage person, outside and inside depending on my mood (or if a bad mood has been triggered by something).

4.Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. ...

I can be very impulsive with drinking, and very much so in the past with drugs.

5.Self-harm. ...

Yes. Cutting, punching walls, slamming my head into walls, hitting myself in the face. I was suicidal in Junior high but not anymore. I have suicide ideation at some low points but never planning it out or anything.

6.Extreme emotional swings. ...

Yes. See above. Even small things can trigger horrible mood swings. Also once I'm triggered it's very hard to get out of them. The bigger and more explosive they are the longer I feel the guilt and rending sadness. Also the feeling of once something happens then everything is "ruined." Even a small conflict with my husband can trigger this, then I feel the day is ruined or everything is ruined and have feeling of rejecting him before he can reject me and starting over alone.

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. ...

Yes. Often dissociative. I feel emptiness all the time when I'm in a low mood swings.

8.Explosive anger.

Pushing my husband, throwing and breaking things, screaming.

9.Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.

I struggle a TON with jealousy with my husband (I've always been extremely jealous and needy). I used to look at his phone and Facebook all the time but I have stopped. Irrational jealousy has always been a huge thing with me.

I often get into a numb dissociative state when in a low mood swings or emotionally volatile conflict.

I also obsess about the past and past experiences/thoughts constantly. My brain "spirals" out of control and triggers emotional episodes.

So. There it is! What do you guys think?

1.Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.
Yes. I never fully understood my foa until a little while ago, when a very close friend of mine had
suddenly stopped talking to me for a while and I felt intense bitterness/resentment/sadness/guilt
etc. for DAYS! I still cry almost daily because I miss her.
2.Unstable relationships.
I wanna say no to this... but my relationships with my family especially can be pretty rocky. I
have a warping image of my mother where some days she is my best friend and other days I want
to desperately shut her out of my life forever.
3.Unclear or unstable self-image.
Yeah, I have had shifting opinions about my friends, myself, the way I present myself to others,
my sexual identity, I've felt myself fade in an out of social groups until some days I truly felt I
couldn't fit in anywhere at all.
4.Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors.
Yeah, I've fallen in and out of eating disorder-like habits from time to time, smoked cigarettes,
drank, etc.
5.Self-harm.
Rarely, I've never found it "fulfilling". (super gruesome way to put it but in my morbid mentally
ill brain that's how it feels.)
6.Extreme emotional swings.
As of late, YES! I feel embarrassed because I feel childish for engaging in these mood swings or
outbursts.
7.Chronic feelings of emptiness.
Absolutely, I'm prof. dxed with major depression so emptiness is what I know best.
8.Explosive anger.
Yes, although I contain it for when I'm completely alone or when it feels bad I unleash it out on
the person who hurt me.
9.Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.
YES! Another thing I know too well... Nothing feels real, time doesn't feel real, my body and my
identity don't feel real. Could go on forever about my feelings of unreality.

I always trip up on fear of abandonment, because I'm very avoidant and I can be quite a loner. But... if my partner were to announce they were walking out... I... don't know. Part of me would feel 'free' to do things I want to do but can't (that I probably wouldn't do ANYWAY), but i think part of me would be.... very upset on a visceral level. I think I would do whatever I needed to, to prevent that happening (while at the same time resenting it??), while at the same time I do this ideation/devaluation thingy I've read about. I'm either beating myself up for not being better to them, or blaming them (in my own mind, NOT out loud) for everything and my own unhappiness.

I've long suspected I at least had BPD traits, and the more I think about it... oh well.

Since this is a Q+A, do anyone else harm themselves when their partner is upset at them? And I don't mean making a show of it- I would never do that because #1 fear of them leaving me on account of them thinking I was flat crazy, but... doing it in secret while at the same time wanting TO do it in front of them as I don't know, not a consciously manipulative move, but a 'see what I do to atone'?

Question was on the tip of my fingers because I might have done that recently, so.... yeah...

1.Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.

Yes, I am going through a separation now. These are precipitating incredibly uneasy emotions within me. I can't see my kids or my wife at the moment. I feel like all I want is to get better but this is a long process with DBT.
2.Unstable relationships. ...

For as long as I can remember, all of my relationships have been unstable. They usually start fine but eventually fall apart. Just like the one I'm in now.

3.Unclear or unstable self-image. ...

I don't know who I am or what I believe in. I can't hold a job or at least I feel a great amount of anxiety trying to find an occupation that "feels right"

4.Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. ...

Yes, I feel constantly in crisis mode and as if I need to act urgently.

5.Self-harm. ...

Not as much now as in the past, but I do still hit myself when I feel overwhelmed.

6.Extreme emotional swings. ...

Changes from second to second.

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. ...

Always, feeling like I'll never be a good enough father, husband, employee, son, you name it.

8.Explosive anger.

Yes, out of the ordinary for the conversation. It was a lot worse than it use to be. The anger is still there but the reaction to it is much less. However, instead of physically acting out, I now verbally lash out. Starting DBT with my therapist on Tuesday. Also got the DBT coach app and the DBT skills workbook.

9.Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.][/b][/b]

Not quite as severe for this one

**TW**

Recently, I have been placed with a different therapist as my old one went on maternity leave. With this new therapist, I have been exploring my BPD traits... and as I have, I've noticed how closely it fits with my life. I have a FP but it is a pretty toxic relationship as they always have an excuse as to why we can't hangout outside of work. My home situation isn't the best and I am always shifting moods. One minute I will be happy go lucky, on top of the world, god complex and the next I will be TW wanting to off myself because the world would be better without me. TW ENDING. I am hoping to find some answers in this group and maybe some friends who understand and can relate to what I'm going through.

Hello everyone! Im a 17yr old and ive recently stumbled across BPD while searching through stuff relating to my issues on google. I cant afford a therapist so im not able to be officialy tested, and im against self diagnosing when it comes to personality disorders. I have talked to 3 of my friends who have diagnosed BPD and theyve said that i do show symptoms of it and theres a possibility of me having it. I want to know what others think!

1.Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.

Being alone temporarily doesn't usually bother me as much unless someone im really close to is gone for more than a couple hours, but i am 100% scared of abandoment. Just the thought of my friends and loved ones leaving me one day causes me to start heavily worrying.

2.Unstable relationships...

Definetly. None of my relationships have lasted for longer than a couple of months, the most ive gone is about six months (and even then our relationship was falling apart). Multiple times i have had moments where i have intense shifts from love to hatred with my past partners.

3.Unclear or unstable self-image...

I barely know anything about who i am. The way i present myself to others constantly shifts, everything feels foggy when it comes to my true self image. Sometimes i just feel like i dont belong anywhere.

4.Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors...

100%, i am an extremely self destructive and impulsive person. Unfortunately i have really bad attention seeking related issues which cause me to do harmful things to myself just so i can be cared about and loved. Im aware of how bad this is and im trying to get better!

5.Self-harm...

I have stopped doing things such as cutting as often as i used to, but i still self harm in other ways (burning myself, hitting myself, intentionally starving myself, misusing alcohol, consuming things that could be lethal or are toxic)

6.Extreme emotional swings...

This ones the one i suffer the 2nd most with.. My mood swings are so intense and are triggered so easily, as if some truck of emotions has suddenly hit me. I experience them daily and i seriously hate it

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness...

Absolutely, when i have low mood swings its almost always accompanied with an extreme feeling of emptiness. Usually dissociation is also followed.

8.Explosive anger.

Oh my god, where do i even begin? This is by far the worst and most intense symptom i experience. As i said before with the mood swings, my anger is triggered VERY easily. Just someone asking me a question i consider stupid can send me flying into a fit of rage. When im angry, i usually scream or hit/break random things and lash out on others.

9.Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.

Paranoia and suspicions are a part of my regular life. Im constantly suspicious of others intentions, words, promises, ect.. I often refue to get close to others emotionally so i can avoid this. I barely even trust all of my current friends.

When i was in a relationship, i would constantly be jealous of my partners spending time with others to an unhealthy amount. If they were hanging out with someone else instead of me, i would just completely shut down and think they have left me for someone better (and then i would get extremely angry and block them for many hours..)

Thanks for posting this q&a and thanks to anyone who read this ! Feel free to ask me more or give me your thoughts about all of this.