Do I have BPD? (Q+A)

Please forgive me if i've posted this before. Struggled with posting this earlier today, so I think this is most likeley the first time.

1.Fear of abandonment.
I'm pretty avoidant, so probably no. Unless fear of abandonment is a factor in my avoidance.

2.Unstable relationships.
Not sure. I'm avoidant according to my teraphis, so I probably don't qualify for this. Unless never being in a serious relationship counts, then yes. Been in what I would call sorta relationships, but never been in a relationship with someone I love. If friendships count and not having friends counts, then maybe. Don't have contact with my previous friends, and don't have any other friends anymore. Not sure if that can be blamed on my or on my friends. Moved away from my hometown 5 years ago, and realized that after my bff died one year after I moved, that he were the glue that kept me together with some of my previous friends.

3.Unclear or unstable self-image
Not sure who I am. Been periods where I felt like people in movies, tv shows or books that I've read. Never felt that I have had a clear image, unless been from Norway or being from my hometown counts. Didn't have problem with moving away from my hometown though, and think on being a nationalist as somewhat stupid, so maybe I can cross this one. Tbh., not sure what it considered a normal self image, and would like to know that before I agree or disagree to this one.

4.Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. Spending money on books, games and consoles, and ended up with incasso afterwards, so yes.

5.Self-harm. .
Did once cut myself on my hand and then poured salt on it, after seeing salt being used on a wound in a movie. Do have problems with alcohol though, at least according to my therapist. Usually only drinks friday and saturdays in the weekends, and sometimes 1 or twice during the week, and got a problem saying no to drugs. Not sure if that qualifies for self harm though. I think a maybe for this one, is the most suiting.

6.Extreme emotional swings. Going from being optimistic to thinking about suicide on the same day, so yes. Usually don't think about suicide though, but often switch from being optimistic to being furious on the same day, so yes. Got good self control though, so my anger does only goes inwards. Anyway I wouldn't say it's extreme emotional swings, so a no for this one.

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness.
Wouldn't say chronic, but it depends on what qualifies as chronic. Often feels emptiness, but not on daily basis. I think maybe is the most suitable for this one too.

8.Explosive anger.
Not sure. Not where I attack other people though. My anger is only inwards. Like being furious with someone, and then furious and full of self hatred with myself, for not being able to say what i meant. So I think it's most likely a no for this one. Have burst of anger that I would consider like 7-8 on a scale, but that's usually only anger that harms myself. So I think it's most likely a no for this one, especially when I compare to the anger that people on bpd forums experience.

9.Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.
Have sometimes been a "tad" paranoid to some family members and previous friends, but not sure if if it's without a touch of reality. I'd say maybe for this one.

Not sure tbh. I think I'm somewhere between 4 and 6 symptoms, depending on how much is needed. I am however going to check with my previous theraphist, since I'm trying to get an appointment because of intrusive thoughts. And I've also started written a diary, since there's lots of things that I haven't been able to tell my therapist, and also because I wan't to rule out if I'm bipolar or not.

[in this post, I describe my dealings with severe anger issues and thoughts of suicide, and I might not be as articulate as I want to be about them. Take that as a possible trigger warning. If there's a better way to describe what I'm trying to say without making others feel uneasy, please let me know. I could just be overreacting and it's totally fine, but ya never know. Also, dear LORD this post got long. Sorry about that!]

My first post on this message board. I might have more to say in my own thread when I feel more "settled in."

I'm a 28-year-old male.

1.Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.

Eh, it's complicated. I live with my mother and she works a lot, and I don't get out too much and can't drive. So, I can have a sort of "cabin fever" that just makes me uneasy after several days without much human contact besides her (not saying she's not great, because she's probably one of the best people I know and will make time for me when I need it). This uneasiness can lead into, well, more of the other symptoms.

I don't feel like people will abandon me, because I try to recognize that it would make little sense. The people I've chosen to surround myself with and most (not all) the people that chose to surround me (family) are generally decent people who care about me and accept who I am and trust that I care about them the same way (which, I'm pretty sure, I do. but that's for the thread I'll make).

The only time I felt terrified about abandonment wasn't really about abandonment, but about trust issues. I got extremely paranoid that a guy I was dating was cheating on me. And that didn't make SENSE. Everything was fine and I was certain he loved me (and he knew about it), but it was just something that ate at me until I decided to end it with him. I was just tired of having anger flare ups over a thought that I knew I had no rational basis to have.

2.Unstable relationships. ...

As of the above, it's complicated. I only talk to maybe four friends regularly, all of whom are aware of my issues. And, of course, they're supportive. I have several other people I can call friends, but I don't talk to them often, mostly because... I just don't know what to say. Mostly pretty decent people too. I know if I could find something to talk to them about, we'd probably shoot the stuff and reconnect for a few hours.

I have pushed away one person because of my issues. At my own behest though. He's very catty and sassy, pointing out things you do wrong or making silly comments about your imperfections. To some people, that might be fine, but it just ate at me. He once invited me over to stay the night and try his never-before-made homemade vegetarian curry (even he admitted it was very bland), and those comments just made it so I couldn't sleep. So, I just told him that we shouldn't talk for a while. He said okay.

I don't know, did I overreact or was he toxic?

3.Unclear or unstable self-image. ...

Somewhat. Mostly, it's self-esteem and self-hatred issues that pop up when i'm in the midst of an anger flare up, anxiety or depression. I'm sure of who I am, but when i have an anger flare up, I feel TREMENDOUS guilt. The kind of guilt where you don't want to apologize because you "know" it wouldn't be accepted because you know you flipped up BAD.

These flare ups make me feel like I have something else inside me that isn't me. Most other emotions, I can find a source that matches the intensity. My anger? Very much not. I do not understand my anger, and that can make feel like I'm not myself.

I'd call myself a very calm person if it weren't for my rage issues.

4.Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. ...

This one refers to things like impulse buying, risky sex, alcohol and drug abuse, and the like. Not really. I never drink or smoke. To the point where I just don't understand alcohol. You could almost say I impulse buy, but not any more than a lot of other nerds I know. Risky sex? Well, some would say yes, but that can be more of a societal taboo distinction than a "is this behavior destructive to one's self or others?" distinction. But hey, maybe I'm just in denial about that. It's a possibility.

5.Self-harm. ...

This one here, man... During my anger flare ups, I'll bite my arm, punch myself in the face, scratch my face. I don't know WHY. I'll do it when nobody's around and I'll never tell anybody, and even then I'll feel extreme guilt.

I've also had suicidal thoughts, during, after and without these flare ups. I just feel so tired and exhausted over these feelings that I just don't WANT. And sometimes I think I'll do anything to make it stop. Including stopping everything else. My family has only recently known about this. I just didn't want to worry them.

6.Extreme emotional swings. ...

The anger, mostly. When I recover from a particular bad one after a few days, I can react to positive emotions pretty strongly, such as laughing louder than is probably appropriate. But this doesn't last as long, and I think it's more of an expression of a relief from the anger and emptiness.

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. ...

I'll sometimes be in funks for seemingly no reason. Usually not too terrible. Like, on the edge of "meh" and "sad." Sometimes, I'm annoyed at this, which can make it worse, because I WANT to do things I like, but can't do anything but stone-facedly watch YT vids. I think coffee helps a little, at least temporarily. Sometimes, these can be worse, with suicidal thoughts and just wanting to be left alone. And not being left alone during this can trigger anger flare ups. Which is extremely unfair to the person, which just makes me feel worse.

However, after a anger flare up, I'll definitely empty and worthless. A few days later, when things finally die down, I can feel... on edge. Like, "There's nothing bad happening. Why isn't there anything bad happening? That's what was going on earlier this week! The other shoe's gonna drop ANY second now!" And that feeling can make it difficult to enjoy anything. It really does end up making me feel empty.

8.Explosive anger.

Yes, if you haven't guessed yet ^^; I think I find myself getting angry at things I don't understand. My mother drinking too much and not being able to converse coherently, dishonesty, bigotry, lack of empathy, thinking that the mentally ill are all liars, even opinions on media that I find shallow. I just don't GET it. And I don't know how to deal with it. So, my first, and very wrong, instinct is anger. And that's not fair to anyone. Not to me, who could deal with these things more constructively and articulately. Not to the other party, who doesn't deserve that and deserves to be spoken to calmly and with clarity. I've seen people talk with people who they don't understand. And they don't scream. And I don't know how not to. And that doesn't help anybody understand anybody.

9.Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.

This one, I assume means the classic "splitting." Idealization of someone, followed by intense hatred. Somewhat. This one I really hate when I have it. I don't have idealization. People are people, and even the best people in our lives, and ourselves, are flawed. And that's okay!

But... when I get angry at someone specific, only for the duration of the flare up, I can believe some pretty crappy things about the person. "You're a stupid drunk." "You're just a racist who doesn't care about anyone." "Your opinion is based solely on what society says is popular and you don't actually think about what you enjoy." None of these are constructive. They're all destructive. They benefit no one. Not me, not them, not other people who might be affected by them.

Somewhat thankfully, this usually only lasts for the duration of the flare up.

Really, I want my anger and my distrust to END.

So in recent months my psychiatrist diagnosed me with a cluster B personality disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder. I'm not sure what he said about the cluster B P disorder. Can't remember what he said. Anyway I did lots of research and strongly believe I have bpd but i guess its all supervision until i get the full diagnoses. I will put down my info.

1.Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.

I don't have a fear of being left alone but I definitely rely on others so if a situation arose where I can't cling on to my family I would freak out and go completely crazy.
2.Unstable relationships. ...

I've been in an online relationship before and it lasted for about 1-2 months. I would always seek comfort from her but it wasn't all happy days. I often lost interest in her and got bored, only to take an interest in her again and seek comfort. It was confusing and obviously wasn't going well. There was a lot of drama, even so we loved each other. It was unstable no doubt. She said I was too emotional. Never been in a relationship since. I can't seem to get in the circle. I feel no one understands me and I couldn't enter any relationship even if I tried. I like attention and comfort but its hard to get.
3.Unclear or unstable self-image. ...

Even though everyone in my family says i'm not fat and insists im skinny, I don't think so at all! I take fat loss pills to lose weight and consistently on a diet. I dislike my body. I'm still in confusion who I am and it seems my past and my memories seem unreal at times. I don't understand myself.
4.Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. ...

I have manic episodes where I might smash things or stab objects. Only today I stabbed my wall over 100 times. I smashed my phone in high school impulsively and also hitting my head on the wall.I drink too much sometimes and I have no intention of stopping myself. I sometimes binge eat and that often leads to depression after. We can't forget about the impulsive spending spree I go on. I regret it afterwards.. 3 months ago I had a sudden urge to watch a movie at the cinema all of a sudden. I watched the movie alright and spent all my money while doing so. I did the same thing with my sister tagging along recently. I like the idea of sabotaging myself..
5.Self-harm. ...

I have a history of cutting myself *mod edit*. I still have scars on my shoulders and thighs. I have burns healing on my right hand and a few *mod edit* cuts healing still. I like the feeling of the burning sensation and cutting sensation. I shouldn't do it but I still do it. I don't understand why but it just feels good. I sometimes think of breaking my arm.
6.Extreme emotional swings. ...

So I can be in the shower completely depressed and drained. What do I do just a few minutes in my shower? I feel insanely impulsive and a little angry. I have a sudden build of energy and want to get out and do something. Well there's also moments where I don't want my cat hanging around me, like honestly pi** off animal.. I can then later go to her hug her and cling to her. I just keep changing sometimes and I find it exhausting. Have I already said I don't understand myself? Feel the same around family. I always get mood swings.
7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. ...

I lie on my bed with no feelings. I have an ache in my heart and feel nothing emotionally really, absolutely nothing. It feels worse than depression? I don't, have I said I don't understand myself? I definitely feel empty, I'm literally hollow.
8.Explosive anger.

Like maybe throwing objects across the room? Imagining killing people in my mind in insane ways? That's not explosive.. what about that wire in my brain snapping and smashing my tv remote moments later? I sometimes jump up and down like an arrogant kid kicking the floor.
9.Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.

I think people will shoot me from a moving vehicle sometimes. The houses at the back who shouted at me that one time, I think they will kidnap me if I go there at night. Someone came to advertise and at first sight I didn't trust him. Shaking my hand while smiling. That's a fake smile. He might, he might just want to take advantage of me and kill me. I really thought he would you know and to this day I still believe it's possible. I will never enter another house.
Thats leads to the derealization. This happens every day.. I feel my surroundings is unreal and unfamiliar. "Did it always look like this" "Everything looks weird" "It's like looking through a bubble" "Why is it so bright" "Why does my hand always look so strange no matter how many times I see it?"
I sometimes lose all senses, well that's how I feel. I can be determined that this world is fake and i'm the only one who is real. Even now I think it's not silly.

Anyways sorry for all the trouble. Thanks for reading all that :>

1.Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.

Hard to say. Perhaps I am this way, but I've learnt ways of avoiding it such as not getting close to people.

In the few relationships I've had, I would get upset by unreturned or late replies to texts and things like that. I wouldn't mention that, I would just think "That's it, she's leaving me" and things like that.

2.Unstable relationships. ...

Yeah you could say that.

3.Unclear or unstable self-image. ...

Yeah. I often start reading a book and it's like the most amazing thing in the world. Then halfway through I completely lose interest in it. Or I order a book online and by the time it arrives I've got no interest in it. And this applies to other things in my life as well. And people have judged me for this of course! Yay other people!

4.Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. ...

Numbers 4 to 8 seem very related.

5.Self-harm. ...

I've done things like punching a wall in anger or frustration.

6.Extreme emotional swings. ...

Definitely.

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. ...

Yeah. I think I've reduced this feeling by cutting some toxic people out of my life (sorry if that sounds like I'm an "abandoner", but they should have given me basic respect). Also by working at eliminating an addiction from my life. I'm still a bit addictive in other areas.

8.Explosive anger.

Oh yes, although I'm reluctant to talk about it because mentioning that you get angry makes people very judgemental of you. Also I wasn't allowed to have anger when growing up, as a general rule.

Anyway, I've broken a lot of things and shouted and screamed. I'm usually by myself when this happens, but sometimes others have witnessed it. And I DON'T go around taking my anger out on other people, but of course other people can be affected in a less direct way. Society needs to have healthier approaches to anger. I think abusive authority figures are to blame for a lot of anger issues.

9.Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.

A little. I haven't been sleeping too well so I feel a bit like that at the moment.