by KnightOfWhispers » Mon May 20, 2019 4:21 am
[in this post, I describe my dealings with severe anger issues and thoughts of suicide, and I might not be as articulate as I want to be about them. Take that as a possible trigger warning. If there's a better way to describe what I'm trying to say without making others feel uneasy, please let me know. I could just be overreacting and it's totally fine, but ya never know. Also, dear LORD this post got long. Sorry about that!]
My first post on this message board. I might have more to say in my own thread when I feel more "settled in."
I'm a 28-year-old male.
1.Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.
Eh, it's complicated. I live with my mother and she works a lot, and I don't get out too much and can't drive. So, I can have a sort of "cabin fever" that just makes me uneasy after several days without much human contact besides her (not saying she's not great, because she's probably one of the best people I know and will make time for me when I need it). This uneasiness can lead into, well, more of the other symptoms.
I don't feel like people will abandon me, because I try to recognize that it would make little sense. The people I've chosen to surround myself with and most (not all) the people that chose to surround me (family) are generally decent people who care about me and accept who I am and trust that I care about them the same way (which, I'm pretty sure, I do. but that's for the thread I'll make).
The only time I felt terrified about abandonment wasn't really about abandonment, but about trust issues. I got extremely paranoid that a guy I was dating was cheating on me. And that didn't make SENSE. Everything was fine and I was certain he loved me (and he knew about it), but it was just something that ate at me until I decided to end it with him. I was just tired of having anger flare ups over a thought that I knew I had no rational basis to have.
2.Unstable relationships. ...
As of the above, it's complicated. I only talk to maybe four friends regularly, all of whom are aware of my issues. And, of course, they're supportive. I have several other people I can call friends, but I don't talk to them often, mostly because... I just don't know what to say. Mostly pretty decent people too. I know if I could find something to talk to them about, we'd probably shoot the stuff and reconnect for a few hours.
I have pushed away one person because of my issues. At my own behest though. He's very catty and sassy, pointing out things you do wrong or making silly comments about your imperfections. To some people, that might be fine, but it just ate at me. He once invited me over to stay the night and try his never-before-made homemade vegetarian curry (even he admitted it was very bland), and those comments just made it so I couldn't sleep. So, I just told him that we shouldn't talk for a while. He said okay.
I don't know, did I overreact or was he toxic?
3.Unclear or unstable self-image. ...
Somewhat. Mostly, it's self-esteem and self-hatred issues that pop up when i'm in the midst of an anger flare up, anxiety or depression. I'm sure of who I am, but when i have an anger flare up, I feel TREMENDOUS guilt. The kind of guilt where you don't want to apologize because you "know" it wouldn't be accepted because you know you flipped up BAD.
These flare ups make me feel like I have something else inside me that isn't me. Most other emotions, I can find a source that matches the intensity. My anger? Very much not. I do not understand my anger, and that can make feel like I'm not myself.
I'd call myself a very calm person if it weren't for my rage issues.
4.Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. ...
This one refers to things like impulse buying, risky sex, alcohol and drug abuse, and the like. Not really. I never drink or smoke. To the point where I just don't understand alcohol. You could almost say I impulse buy, but not any more than a lot of other nerds I know. Risky sex? Well, some would say yes, but that can be more of a societal taboo distinction than a "is this behavior destructive to one's self or others?" distinction. But hey, maybe I'm just in denial about that. It's a possibility.
5.Self-harm. ...
This one here, man... During my anger flare ups, I'll bite my arm, punch myself in the face, scratch my face. I don't know WHY. I'll do it when nobody's around and I'll never tell anybody, and even then I'll feel extreme guilt.
I've also had suicidal thoughts, during, after and without these flare ups. I just feel so tired and exhausted over these feelings that I just don't WANT. And sometimes I think I'll do anything to make it stop. Including stopping everything else. My family has only recently known about this. I just didn't want to worry them.
6.Extreme emotional swings. ...
The anger, mostly. When I recover from a particular bad one after a few days, I can react to positive emotions pretty strongly, such as laughing louder than is probably appropriate. But this doesn't last as long, and I think it's more of an expression of a relief from the anger and emptiness.
7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. ...
I'll sometimes be in funks for seemingly no reason. Usually not too terrible. Like, on the edge of "meh" and "sad." Sometimes, I'm annoyed at this, which can make it worse, because I WANT to do things I like, but can't do anything but stone-facedly watch YT vids. I think coffee helps a little, at least temporarily. Sometimes, these can be worse, with suicidal thoughts and just wanting to be left alone. And not being left alone during this can trigger anger flare ups. Which is extremely unfair to the person, which just makes me feel worse.
However, after a anger flare up, I'll definitely empty and worthless. A few days later, when things finally die down, I can feel... on edge. Like, "There's nothing bad happening. Why isn't there anything bad happening? That's what was going on earlier this week! The other shoe's gonna drop ANY second now!" And that feeling can make it difficult to enjoy anything. It really does end up making me feel empty.
8.Explosive anger.
Yes, if you haven't guessed yet ^^; I think I find myself getting angry at things I don't understand. My mother drinking too much and not being able to converse coherently, dishonesty, bigotry, lack of empathy, thinking that the mentally ill are all liars, even opinions on media that I find shallow. I just don't GET it. And I don't know how to deal with it. So, my first, and very wrong, instinct is anger. And that's not fair to anyone. Not to me, who could deal with these things more constructively and articulately. Not to the other party, who doesn't deserve that and deserves to be spoken to calmly and with clarity. I've seen people talk with people who they don't understand. And they don't scream. And I don't know how not to. And that doesn't help anybody understand anybody.
9.Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.
This one, I assume means the classic "splitting." Idealization of someone, followed by intense hatred. Somewhat. This one I really hate when I have it. I don't have idealization. People are people, and even the best people in our lives, and ourselves, are flawed. And that's okay!
But... when I get angry at someone specific, only for the duration of the flare up, I can believe some pretty crappy things about the person. "You're a stupid drunk." "You're just a racist who doesn't care about anyone." "Your opinion is based solely on what society says is popular and you don't actually think about what you enjoy." None of these are constructive. They're all destructive. They benefit no one. Not me, not them, not other people who might be affected by them.
Somewhat thankfully, this usually only lasts for the duration of the flare up.
Really, I want my anger and my distrust to END.