Our partner

Do I have BPD? (Q+A)

Borderline Personality Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: lilyfairy

Re: Do I have BPD? (Q+A)

Postby Starboard99 » Tue Sep 19, 2017 9:30 pm

so yeah, I might characterize myself as kind of a "Disorder Hypochondriac" since I have a habit of learning about disorders and thinking I might have them, so getting opinions is helpful. BPD does feel kind of on-the-nose, though it is complicated because I have already been diagnosed with OCD and depression (I've received some good OCD therapy so that isn't as much of an issue as it once was)

1.Fear of abandonment. Yeah. Totally. I try to keep as many friends as possible, and when I'm on the fritz with one (the fritz happens pretty easily with the people I'm closest to because I easily feel betrayed) I just start getting close to a different friend. They are like sleeper cells or something. My life is punctuated by the unbearable agony that I feel whenever someone close to me decides to become distant. I can't not be in control. I need everyone to be MY best friend, whether or not I'M THEIR best friend.

2.Unstable relationships. See above. My love life was an on-again-off-again mess for like six years. When we were in I felt trapped and now that they're gone I can't stop wanting them back.

3.Unclear or unstable self-image. One time I was telling a friend that I didn't understand why I was the only person in the world who cared about doing the right thing. She pointed out that just a year earlier we were in the same place having a conversation about how I thought I was a monster who had no empathy. I tend to change a lot when I'm in a close relationship, and can easily take on another person's taste. I'm always aggressively asserting my own self definition because I feel like deep down there probably isn't anything that defines me.

4.Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. This one I'm a bit more light on. I don't spend like a crazy person exactly, but I am very emotional driven. I have probably had a drinking problem, I get so depressed about my relationships that I just keep drinking, going to work hungover and drinking again (in the past, currently more under control) but yeah, other than that kind of substance abuse (before alcohol it was coffee, and I binge eat a lot when I'm sad too) I don't make a ton of crazy dangerous life choices, though I don't mind taking big risks and I find that taking risks distracts me from the emptiness. I also have no interest at all in sex unless it has an element of "Danger" dangerous or is somehow socially deviant.

5.Self-harm. Used to burn myself with a cigarette lighter when I got bored. I have had, in the past (not serious) conceptual thoughts about suicide a lot.

6.Extreme emotional swings. Yeah. Totally. Always either on top of the world or basically wishing I was dead. Usually the second one. I never really stops. I'm always feeling a whole lot of something.

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. Yeah. Killer boredom too. Left to myself I can't even take it.

8.Explosive anger. Yeah. Biggest one. It burns in my stomach and makes me feel sick. I can get mad about the dumbest things sometimes, so mad that I want to list off all of the worst things a person has ever done and make them feel terrible. Usually I can hold it in long enough to get home and punch a wall or something, after which I post a bunch of angsty things on social-media and lie in bed feeling really upset for a few hours.

9.Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality. I always think I'm being betrayed. I think about myself in the third-person a lot of the time, like if something upsets me I'm usually like "This thing sure would upset that guy" like I'm removed from myself.

So those are the criteria. It feels like a fit, but there are a few things that make me wonder. Usually if I bring up BPD to someone I know they react strongly and say something like "Wait, that would mean you have no empathy!" but that doesn't seem to be the criteria, since I do have empathy. Also I am generally well liked and have a lot of good friends, so it's not like I have a horrendous path of destruction, most of the drama is my drama.
Starboard99
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Sep 19, 2017 8:47 pm
Local time: Sat Sep 19, 2020 2:16 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Do I have BPD? (Q+A)

Postby Hyde » Sun Oct 22, 2017 11:16 pm

1.Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.

Yes. This is absolutely, without a doubt my biggest fear. I will literally have nightmares wherein my girlfriend cheats on me, kills herself, or overall just leaves me.
There have been multiple times when people have left for a short while and I basically had an anxiety attack. During gym, my friend left to go to the bathroom for a little bit and I stood outside the locker room pacing, panicking. Another time, today, my girlfriend and I were at the movie theater. She left to get snacks and I almost had a panic attack.
I am consistently terrified of my girlfriend leaving me in any way, shape or form; so much so that I've threatened to kill myself, even when she made no indication of leaving me whatsoever. I've had mental breakdowns during our arguments, when she cut, or when she said she wanted to die. I also always fear her leaving me for "anime characters", which is utterly bizarre (she has claimed to love certain characters). Sometimes, when I self-harm, I do it for her attention (I also talk about suicide and depression when I fear her abandoning me). I'm very manipulative when it comes to preventing abandonment.
I would constantly cry or throw fits (from as early as kindergarten) if any of my friends seemed to prioritize other people above me. I didn't want them hanging out with anyone else, and I always convinced myself that they hated me. I would also have intrusive scenarios in my head where my parents sent me away, and I'd start crying (this was mostly when my separation anxiety was really bad, when I was much, much younger). I became very paranoid that my friends would try to make plans without me. Once, in 8th grade, I was talking to my friend on the phone. I heard another voice and accused her of hanging out with my other friend, and that they were spending time together without me. I hung up and started hating both of them briefly, then began crying, convinced that I had no-one left.
I also sneak onto my girlfriend's phone, force her to be on calls with me 24/7, and constantly ask what she's doing.

2.Unstable relationships. ...

I've only ever been in 2 relationships. Most of the time, I hated my first girlfriend with all my entity, and sometimes I loved her to the point where I felt like crying every time I saw her (happiness crying). I ended our relationship because I got bored, however, and immediately started a new one with my current girlfriend (we've been together for more than 7 months now). However, I go through intense periods of loving her so much I feel like my heart is about to explode with emotion, and hating her so much my brain tells me that I wish she would just die (even though that's what I fear the most, in reality.) I push her away with my bouts of anger and depression and anxiety, I try to create problems, I'm extremely paranoid, I start fights, and I've yelled at her.
I become upset with her for the pettiest things, too-- perceived slights and comments that only mean well. The time she cut because I nearly attempted suicide: I called her a stupid asshole, said I hated her, and forced her to show me a picture of where she cut. I had a mental breakdown and the only reason I didn't kill myself is because my dad locked the room where the pills were kept (he was going to bed; the pills are in his bedroom).
After I had lashed out, I begged for forgiveness, pleaded for her to stay with me. We had several fights. We always fight. They're mostly my fault, though.

3.Unclear or unstable self-image. ...

For the most part, yes. I can go through periods of hating myself, blaming myself for everything, etc, and then admiring myself, thinking I'm better than everyone, that everyone should feel honored to have my love and attention, and that I'm really cool. While most of the time I hate myself, these feelings of narcissism will come unexpectedly and consume my time (I look at images of myself, take a plethora of selfies, think about how "cool" I am, etc.) I never really feel moderately with me. I either hate or love myself; there is no in-between.
Throughout my life, I've gone through stages where I try to completely change who I am. This started as early as 1st grade, where, instead of being myself, I tried to be this perfect, sweet, beautiful, kind and gentle girl. This behaviour lasted for a long time, but I can't really remember where it died off. I know I went through some personality confusion for a long time, but it mostly acted up in 7th-8th grade. I would try to be peppy, then I'd try to be "tsundere", then I'd try to be distant and cold, then artsy (even though I have no talent in art). I'd try to change my skill focus, too; I'm very good at writing, and I mostly directed myself in that direction, but it constantly changed. I wanted to be an artist, though I could not draw. I wanted to be an animator, though I could not animate, either. I wanted to be a musician, though I lack the capability to even read music. I always made my relatives buy me things like art supplies, but then I'd give up on art and ask for an animation studio. Then I'd give up on animating and ask for an instrumental software. Then I gave up on that and tried to switch back to writing. I gave up on being a writer, too, and directed myself into law. I wanted to be a lawyer. I took a debate class. Then I wanted to be a politician, so I said that debate class would help me with that. Then I wanted to be a history teacher, so I started studying history. Now, I want to be a clinical psychologist, so I'm taking psychology and studying in that.
I'm still going through personality phases. Sometimes I'll act cool, chill, funny, rude, and manipulative (I idealize a friend who's like this), and sometimes I'll act uninterested, blunt, quiet, distant, and cold (when my depression takes over and I feel like this is "who I'm meant to be"). Other times I'll act mature and serious, smart and eloquent, because I feel like "this is who people want me to be".

4.Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. ...

This potential symptom isn't as prominent as the others. I don't really have the ability to do reckless behaviour, as I'm underage, but I do engage in unsafe, unprotected sexual acts with my girlfriend. I also binge-eat, mainly when I feel empty, or when I just feel compelled to eat as much as I can. When I'm out, I often spend more money than I should (donating to every charity or musician on the street, buying things I don't need, etc), but I always feel guilty afterwards, because I'm very frugal most of the time (after I'm done spending).

5.Self-harm. ...

I've been cutting for a long time now. I impulsively cut, even during class, because I feel so compelled to. It's an addiction for me. Before cutting, though, I used to hit myself a lot. I tell people I don't cut anymore, or I promise to stop, but I can't. I've also nearly attempted suicide before, and at some point in the future probably will make a serious attempt.

6.Extreme emotional swings. ...

Oh god yes. I will literally get so angry for no reason. I hit my cats, throw things, vehemently swear, yell, scream, etc. This lasts for a long time and I usually plunge into either extreme anxiety or depression, sometimes both or even all 3. After this is over, I go back to feeling empty again.
I'm so angry that I can't seem to control it. I used to physically and emotionally abuse my younger sister, and I still do (although not as much because she doesn't get on my nerves as often; we don't live together anymore). I've hit my own girlfriend, yelled at her, cussed at her, said I've hated her, etc. I also throw things.
My depressive swings are the literal worst. I don't want to do anything but cry, but I do have depression, so that pretty much wraps it up.
Anxiety is also really bad. I have daily anxiety attacks, often for no reason. They're so bad that, during class, I'll have to leave to calm down in the bathroom. Even then, I can't seem to shake off the feeling.
My highs aren't very common, and sadly they're brief. Out of nowhere, I'll feel giddy, buzzing with excitement and productivity. I'll get some thing accomplished, but at the same time, nothing that's important (just personal projects).

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. ...

This is how I feel almost all of the time when I'm at home. During school is more or less when I have intense emotional swings. My emptiness feels like a black hole inside my stomach, kind of sucking everything inside it. I'm tired, unmotivated, and I care about nothing. Sometimes, I'll feel so bored that I scratch the walls and feel like I'm going to go crazy, even though there's a multitude of things I could do to entertain myself, I just don't feel like doing any of it. Mostly, though, I just feel... Blank. There was one time when my girlfriend was crying (while we were face-Skyping), and she later said how disturbed she was by my emotionless expression and tone, feeling as though I hated her and did not care about her. At the time, I didn't even care. I felt nothing, even though I probably should've been sad, I just didn't feel any kind of emotion.

8.Explosive anger.

I've always had anger issues, so bad that I've had to see counseling for it (although I stopped seeing my counselor after, like, one session). I cuss, throw things, hit people, throw fits, etc. It comes out of nowhere, although I can mostly control it when I'm out in public.

9.Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.

I go into dissociative states frequently, where I'll feel like I'm in a dream, have intense brain fog, and feel confused at just about everything. I'll read a post on Instagram, for example, and feel so overwhelmed I become sick to my head and stomach. Then I feel like nothing's real, that I'm not even inside my own body (I.E, it'll feel like I'm walking behind myself or that I'm somewhere else while still witnessing what my current body is doing). Nothing feels real, and sometimes I feel like I can do or say anything because it won't matter anymore or because nothing is real, anyways.
I also get paranoid as all hell, believing everything is a sign that people hate me, or that everyone's out to get me, or that nobody really loves me. I fear that people are hiding things, working behind my back to exploit me, etc. It's a daily struggle.

I may or may not have BPD. I've never been diagnosed with it, and I wouldn't feel very comfortable self-diagnosing.
Dx BPD, Depression w/ Anxiety, PTSD

Un-dx Bipolar II, ADD

"When it's good, it's so good, when it's bad, it's so bad-- maybe I really have gone mad-- what am I supposed to say when I end up driving everyone away?"
User avatar
Hyde
Consumer 2
Consumer 2
 
Posts: 43
Joined: Thu Oct 19, 2017 1:11 am
Local time: Sat Sep 19, 2020 4:16 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Do I have BPD? (Q+A)

Postby morgan98 » Fri Oct 27, 2017 7:39 am

Can I meet all 9 criteria for BPD and still not be diagnosed with it? Or is my therapist avoiding the fact that I may be borderline due to the stigma?
morgan98
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Oct 27, 2017 7:36 am
Local time: Sat Sep 19, 2020 2:16 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Do I have BPD? (Q+A)

Postby Hyde » Sat Oct 28, 2017 2:47 pm

morgan98 wrote:Can I meet all 9 criteria for BPD and still not be diagnosed with it? Or is my therapist avoiding the fact that I may be borderline due to the stigma?


It depends. Does your therapist say explicitly you meet all 9 criteria, or are you just saying that for yourself? Because you may not actually meet the criteria, or you might not have experienced the symptoms long enough to be diagnosed with it.
Dx BPD, Depression w/ Anxiety, PTSD

Un-dx Bipolar II, ADD

"When it's good, it's so good, when it's bad, it's so bad-- maybe I really have gone mad-- what am I supposed to say when I end up driving everyone away?"
User avatar
Hyde
Consumer 2
Consumer 2
 
Posts: 43
Joined: Thu Oct 19, 2017 1:11 am
Local time: Sat Sep 19, 2020 4:16 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Do I have BPD? (Q+A)

Postby Holodeck » Sat Oct 28, 2017 3:00 pm

morgan98 wrote:Can I meet all 9 criteria for BPD and still not be diagnosed with it? Or is my therapist avoiding the fact that I may be borderline due to the stigma?


Though I don't have BPD, I do have bipolar. Both are often confused as well as comorbid. I found this seems to explain it well. It could be the doctor simply wants to be sure of which treatment to offer you.

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/bor ... disorder#1
^from the article at this link
Bipolar Disorder

Also known as manic depression, bipolar disorder causes swings in mood, energy, and the ability to function throughout the day.

Symptoms: Bipolar disorder is known for alternating periods of depression and mania that can last from days to months. During a manic, hypomanic, or depressed episode with "mixed features," symptoms of depression and mania happen at the same time.

During times of mania, symptoms might include:

An excessively happy or angry, irritated mood
More physical and mental energy and activity than normal
Racing thoughts and ideas
Talking more and faster
Making big plans
Risk taking
Impulsiveness (substance abuse, sex, spending, etc.)
Less sleep, but no feeling of being tired

During periods of depression, symptoms might include:

Drop in energy
Lasting sadness
Less activity and energy
Restlessness and irritability
Problems concentrating and making decisions
Worry and anxiety
No interest in favorite activities
Feelings of guilt and hopelessness; suicidal thoughts
Change in appetite or sleep patterns
Treatment: Most people with bipolar disorder need lifelong treatment to keep their condition managed. This usually includes medicine -- usually mood stabilizers, and sometimes also antipsychotics or antidepressants. Therapy can also help people with bipolar disorder understand it and develop skills to handle it.


Borderline Personality Disorder


Borderline personality disorder involves a longstanding pattern of swings -- in moods, relationships, self-image, and behavior (in contrast to distinct episodes of mania or depression in people with bipolar disorder). People with borderline personality disorder can experience overly strong emotional responses to upsetting life events and often try to hurt themselves. They often have chaotic relationships with people.

People with borderline personality disorder are more likely to have other mental health problems, too. They are also more likely to have had some type of trauma as a child than people with bipolar disorder, although trauma in itself does not cause borderline personality disorder. They often also can have problems with addictions, eating disorders, body image, and anxiety.

Symptoms: A person with borderline personality disorder has trouble controlling his thoughts and managing his feelings, and often has impulsive and reckless behavior. Here are the condition's main symptoms:

Frantic efforts to avoid feeling abandoned
History of unstable, intense relationships
Tendency to view people and situations as either "all good" or "all bad"
Poor self-image
Impulsiveness (spending, sex, substance abuse, etc.)
Self-harm (e.g., cutting) or suicidal behavior
Mood swings involving anger and depression, usually in response to stressful events or relationships
Feelings of emptiness
Problems managing anger and unpleasant emotions
Paranoia
Treatment: Long-term treatment is usually necessary for people with borderline personality disorder. Treatment mainly involves specific forms of psychotherapy, such as dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) or transference-focused psychotherapy (TFP) aimed at helping people manage impulses (such as suicidal urges or tendencies to self-harm when they feel upset), feelings of distress or anger, and emotional oversensitivities to interactions with other people. Medications are also sometimes used to help with these symptoms, although they are not always effective and not considered to be the main focus of treatment in borderline personality disorder. Sometimes, short hospital stays are also needed to manage times of crisis that involve threats to safety and well-being.
Holodeck
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2218
Joined: Sat Feb 18, 2017 10:20 pm
Local time: Sat Sep 19, 2020 4:16 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Do I have BPD? (Q+A)

Postby KittyRehab » Thu Nov 02, 2017 12:09 pm

morgan98 wrote:Can I meet all 9 criteria for BPD and still not be diagnosed with it? Or is my therapist avoiding the fact that I may be borderline due to the stigma?



It could depend on the therapist. I know that several I saw diagnosed me with depression and anxiety. I had one who misdiagnosed me with bipolar disorder. My current therapist is specialized in mood and personality disorders and said that it is common for many therapists to give "easier" diagnoses if they're less comfortable or less familiar with personality disorders. Many therapists also want to see you for a while before diagnosing a personality disorder. It's not generally something diagnosed in the first appointment, though it can be.
KittyRehab
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Nov 01, 2017 10:00 pm
Local time: Sat Sep 19, 2020 5:16 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Do I have BPD? (Q+A)

Postby MsSchadenfreude » Fri Nov 03, 2017 12:56 am

Echinacea wrote:Be aware that people can also have traits of BPD without having a full diagnosis and that those traits can still significantly impact their life. It is not necessary for someone to have a diagnosis to post here- anyone is welcome to post, so long as they are respectful.

Please keep in mind that no-one here can diagnose you (or your friend/family member/significant other). We can share our own experiences and what we can relate to though.

Thank you
The mod team[/i][/b]


Yes, I have had this, in my adult life. I have fears of being betrayed. Irrationally. I've always thought it could be PTSD, and a therapist said heal from the traumas and I can eradicate the episodes, which means PTSD. I fear the betrayals due to that actually happening so many times in real life.

But, the man I'm with I trust more than any human I've every known, so I've been better now than ever before. I still struggle with many things that are borderline traits. Someone on another thread reminded me about splitting. I have done that here and there, as a defense mechanism. I would say my predominant personality is not borderline overall. If that makes sense?
“The floor seemed wonderfully solid. It was comforting to know I had fallen and could fall no farther.Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
User avatar
MsSchadenfreude
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 389
Joined: Tue Feb 28, 2017 11:05 pm
Local time: Sat Sep 19, 2020 4:16 pm
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: Do I have BPD? (Q+A)

Postby Echinacea » Fri Nov 03, 2017 7:30 am

Hi and welcome morosenurse,
All you have said does make sense yes, the deference mechanism, Trauma of betrayal.

"Trauma of betrayal" is a very good way of explaining that feeling. thank you.

Many relationship others assume that certain reactions are over "small things" but ive always thought how can they possible know "how it effects" a person what they said/did/or didnt do (each person is different)

Im glad you have found the guy you can trust unconditionally...thats very important i believe.
User avatar
Echinacea
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 6804
Joined: Wed Jun 10, 2015 1:23 pm
Local time: Sat Sep 19, 2020 11:16 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Do I have BPD? (Q+A)

Postby MsSchadenfreude » Sat Nov 04, 2017 12:03 am

Echinacea wrote:Hi and welcome morosenurse,
All you have said does make sense yes, the deference mechanism, Trauma of betrayal.

"Trauma of betrayal" is a very good way of explaining that feeling. thank you.

Many relationship others assume that certain reactions are over "small things" but ive always thought how can they possible know "how it effects" a person what they said/did/or didnt do (each person is different)

Im glad you have found the guy you can trust unconditionally...thats very important i believe.


I'm glad to read what you think. On another thread I will not name, was a reply from another user, about this topic. The premise was that "all people go through tons of things in life"...and how people handle it determines if they are normal or not. I think it's much more complex than that! Everyone is different, that's what makes life so beautiful, and interesting really.

Thank you.
“The floor seemed wonderfully solid. It was comforting to know I had fallen and could fall no farther.Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
User avatar
MsSchadenfreude
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 389
Joined: Tue Feb 28, 2017 11:05 pm
Local time: Sat Sep 19, 2020 4:16 pm
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: Do I have BPD? (Q+A)

Postby Zhou » Tue Dec 19, 2017 8:46 am

1.Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.
I do not know if I have this but I also know I do. It is one of those things I try to ignore...I am a hopeless romantic and I get very sad when I feel like maybe I messed something up or someone is going to suddenly just not want to be around me because I frustrate them...or maybe I am just too much work.

2.Unstable relationships. ...
My relationships all seem to last a long time...but they always fall apart...usually years later.

3.Unclear or unstable self-image. ...
I... don't think there is much about me that is good. I mean I have a huge ability to love.. but I overwhelm people with that.

4.Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. ...
I have an impulse to smash my head into things when I get stressed...

5.Self-harm. ...
See above.

6.Extreme emotional swings. ...
See I do not think I have this until recent...it mainly seems linked to relationships. If I am worried about the relationship I may be calm one moment then the next I am uncontrollably crying and scared that they maybe don't want to be around me anymore.

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. ...
I often feel empty. Growing up I was not popular at all and I always just visualized my heart encased in steel. An armor to protect myself from the pain that would come if I let someone in.

8.Explosive anger.
I do not think I have anger issues...my best friend says I do but I do not know if I agree. So I probably do.

9.Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.
Not sure on this one...

The main reason I am here.. is I recently met a woman that makes me feel complete in ways that no one ever has in my entire life. With her. I feel like I can truly be myself and be completely open. If it makes sense, with everyone else I ever fell for I loved the way they made me feel...with her I love the way she lets me feel. I do not know if that makes sense.

She actually is diagnosed with BPD and looking up info on it has made me wonder if I have it and if its possible that me having it would make me a horrible match for her. Also, she has been off lately. I think maybe it is something resulting from BPD but I do not know. We used to text near constantly. I mean like hundreds of texts a day. Then she got stressed at work and got sick and then suddenly she started texting less. Then she started pulling away. Is this something that is common for BPD or am I just hoping it is and I messed something up and she doesn't want me around anymore?
Zhou
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Dec 19, 2017 8:30 am
Local time: Sat Sep 19, 2020 4:16 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

PreviousNext

Return to Borderline Personality Disorder Forum

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 33 guests