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How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby Elastic Heart » Sat Sep 07, 2019 12:03 am

Hi y'all, so both me and the boyfriend, with whom I've struggled to make it work for ages now, have actually gotten a stable living situation and we actaully have prospects of a future ahead.

Well, guess who has developed feelings for another guy? At work, none the less! The very same stable goddamn job I've fought for for years now. And I've kind of just shoved it under the rug because I'm a self destructive @@@@@@@ and obviously it can't mean anything but that. But then, and this is good, I got stupid drunk at a work get together and since I can't keep my mouth shut, I initiated a more personal conversation which promptly caused some questions from him about what I was really talking about. And then, he drops the goddamn bomb, just like that, that he likes me too. And being the drunken idiot I am/was, we kissed.

I like him. i know it's probably just a cause of the grass is always greener X10 BPD style but I also know my relationship now just. Don't. Work. No matter how much I want it to.

What am I supposed to do here? I don't wanna cheat. Obviously, back off till you're sober, but like... I'm not really sober when I'm sober, so...
Do not go gentle into that good night
Rage, rage against the dying of the light
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby Squaredonutwheels » Sun Sep 08, 2019 7:36 am

I can relate.

It is possible to have feelings for more than one person at a time. It is a moral conundrum when this happens though. How to be true to them and be true to oneself while minimizing the damage and psychic cost to all involved. Who gives authority on what is right and whose feelings are most legitimate?

I can't give any advice on what one can and should do. Just can relate.
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby witchessabbath » Fri Nov 29, 2019 10:35 pm

Wow, it's so weird to come back here after two (three?) years and look back at some of my older posts, read how I thought about my situation, and what's happened since. A lot of new names I don't recognize anymore. :(

I'm doing better than I was in a lot of ways, and still struggling in others. Proof-reading this post I feel this comes off as a humble brag, but I want to remind future self who visits PF and maybe others on here who remember me that things can get better and there is hope for us with BPD.

Last I was on here I was obsessed with my then-FP (E), thinking we would never be able to stay friends, feeling bad that she didn't like me romantically, thinking I was going to die alone. E and I are still best friends and nothing really is going to change that at this point. We've had our fights over the years but we have come out stronger for it and are more like family now. She continued dating that guy I was SO jealous of... I think he's a pretty cool dude actually and like him a lot. We have a lot in common, he's just more her type physically, I think if I looked like him her and I might have dated. but seeing how she acts in relationships made me realize I would never want to be with her in that way. I actually sometimes feel sorry for him and think "oh man that could have been me dealing with that $#%^." He's done #######5 things in their relationship too, but she's definitely not perfect either. It's not often you get to see what would have happened had your deepest wishes come true lol,

I've been in a really healthy, loving relationship with a different woman (L) since. Going strong over 2 years now and we are "that" couple that gives other couples advice because we are happy together. We talk about kids, the future... I've never felt so secure and loved. I love her so much and she really gets me and my mental illness and is always supportive and kind. It's stupid to say this lol but I really had no idea what real love was until we got together, and I think about all these other women that got me down on myself and wonder what I even saw in them. I guess sometimes you don't even know how close you are to finding what you want (in my case, love). I always felt so lonely but turns out the woman for me was just around the corner and I just needed to hold out a bit longer. Always darkest before the dawn and all that crap.

The woman I was dating while I was on here, F, is still a close friend though we do live in different parts of the country now. She's doing pretty well herself and is happy as far as I know.

My BPD is... mostly better. I have stopped drinking entirely. I haven't self harmed in a long time. No more car accidents, paid off more than half my debt and am not spending impulsively at all anymore, I really understand the value of a dollar now lol. Sometimes i get a bit crazy and emotional with people but it doesn't last and fortunately the people in my life are really understanding. I do smoke weed on and off, but have handled it responsibly, and I have a really good family doctor who has helped me balance medications really well, so I don't struggle with depression, anxiety, and insomnia in the same way. Not saying it's always easy, sometimes my mental health is $#%^ and I can't do f- all except stare at the wall working myself up haha but all in all I am stable and way less self-destructive.

Employment has sucked, however, and my jobs have been very precarious. All my jobs since I've moved have been #######5 because it's more populated than my hometown, and I had 2 jobs fire me when they found out I was on mental illness meds. Totally illegal, totally not cool, but not worth getting into it with them legally so I just keep trying to find a job that works for me. I had an interview for a better job yesterday and I think it went well but I can't be sure. Hopefully work and finances will look up soon. Our apartment building is disgusting and way overpriced for what we put up with, and we work weird hours and don't see enough of each other, so stable income on my end will take us far.

At the end of the day most of the things I worried about on here the last few years don't even matter anymore. Some things are still hard, but for the most part, it ended up being ok. Life feels hard for me today but in perspective, if things from 2016-2017 got better for me, then so will everything from this year eventually.
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby solemnlysworn » Wed Dec 04, 2019 9:26 am

Feeling okay. My eyes sting a little with sleep deprivation and my body feels run down but I can feel in the background a vague sense of being ready to stop being a little girl and get on with it
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby HSS » Wed Dec 04, 2019 11:06 am

Uff, I was just being kind, it's so normal.
But it's okay, if you take it wrong I will stop. Sorry.
“Humor is reason gone mad."

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby Elastic Heart » Thu Mar 12, 2020 6:15 pm

I'm stressed out about the whole virus thing but lowkey I'm happy because this spring my boyfriend's cousin is going to have a big birthday party and since he's best friends with my boyfriend's ex I would have to meet her there and now I won't have to anymore because we're not allowed to have big arrangements! Silver linings!!
Do not go gentle into that good night
Rage, rage against the dying of the light
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby MusicBee » Thu Apr 02, 2020 5:11 pm

Not great. Very anxious, like I've been in a low-level panic attack since I woke up 4 hours ago. Someone is falling for me and I recognize objectively that this is a wonderful person who just wants me to be happy. But I can't seem to feel anything for anybody. I'm absolutely numb except for the buzz of anxiety.

Hope everyone is doing well and feeling safe and secure. If anyone has any advice for dealing with this feeling it would be greatly appreciated.
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby star dust » Mon Apr 06, 2020 10:35 am

######6 confused.
Decided to read a couple of my posts from last time I was here to see what my state of mind was like then. And wow. Just wow.
I’m now worried I’ve gone back to ‘sleep’. That I’m not awake to all the horror I should be awake to.
I used to get these periods where I would flip into one of those other ‘personalities’ and all these memories would come back.
All these intense feelings.
Now I’m worried that I’ve become switched off and blocked to all that. I can’t make myself remember. My heart is racing right now. I feel on edge. Jumpy.
I’m so confused. I think I’d better get off this forum for a bit and try to distract myself. There is no point in trying to make sense of this.
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby voidance » Thu Jul 16, 2020 12:48 am

I have insomnia because I am waiting for feedback on a project I worked on and I want to see feedback. Now.

Other than that, I've been so depressed that I slept through the entirety of yesterday and it is just such a well of sadness that I don't know how to escape.

So I guess I will once again walk into my psychologists room looking like a complete junky due to lack of sleep.

Ek kan nie vandag. Die hele wêreld het mal geword.
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