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How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby xcagedsilhouttex » Tue Nov 20, 2018 11:24 pm

I woke up this morning to a call threatening suicide and ending our friendship based on her insecurities and later was faced with another ending of friendship due to that person's pain around feelings that were not reciprocated.

I thought it would matter more but I don't seem to mind that much. I have a preference toward my own company right now to the point where it almost feels like a relief to not be faced with social obligations.
dx: Mixed Personality Disorder (F61)
Anorexia Nervosa (F50)
Substance Abuse (F11)

But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth. It's just a matter of how you look at it, that's all
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby xcagedsilhouttex » Thu Nov 22, 2018 12:24 am

I am feeling undervalued by those in my life. Currently I wish I had someone who I could dance with. Someone who would pull me in and hold me close. I want to feel wanted.
dx: Mixed Personality Disorder (F61)
Anorexia Nervosa (F50)
Substance Abuse (F11)

But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth. It's just a matter of how you look at it, that's all
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby smurf » Thu Nov 22, 2018 4:15 am

I know I don’t usually post here, but I do belong in here despite disputing my diagnosis. I hate having a label!!!

Sorry if I’m not allowed to say the below things.

So how do I feel? Let down. Anxious. Annoyed. Hurt. Overwhelming sad. Suicidal (haven’t acted on it for a few weeks). I desperately feel like hurting myself.Incredibly dirty vile and disgustingly contaminated. I feel ashamed. I hate myself and the people who have let me down. Desperately low. Humiliated. Embarrassed. Overwhelmed. Most of all shame and I don’t want to fight anymore. I want to give up. I have had enough and seriously can’t do this anymore, but nobody believes me, so there is no point. I’m not a liar. I did not lie. I love being punished for being honest. Happy days! Hopefully it will all be over very soon!

Sorry. Just needed to dump stuff somewhere.
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby xcagedsilhouttex » Sat Nov 24, 2018 11:02 pm

I have been watching cooking shows and stumbled on an old one called Ready Steady Cook which I used to watch with my mum. It's awfully lame in comparison to what my memory held.

I think for the first time I am realising how mad I am at her for putting her need for approval above her care for us and for killing herself. That's the worst part. She can never make up for anything, we can never rebuild a relationship. She's just gone and left us with the mess.

Today is the first day I have cried over her death. It still felt forced as my emotions do but it was there.
dx: Mixed Personality Disorder (F61)
Anorexia Nervosa (F50)
Substance Abuse (F11)

But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth. It's just a matter of how you look at it, that's all
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby solemnlysworn » Sat Nov 24, 2018 11:58 pm

I'm sorry.

She may be gone but how she left doesn't have to be how you carry her. If you want, you could forgive her. You get to decide who she is to you
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby Squaredonutwheels » Sun Nov 25, 2018 9:59 am

Are the tears from overload of emotions?
Are they tears of anger, sadness, frustration.

I suppose for someone to kill themselves it is abandonment?

Either way I learned somewhere that tears contain stress hormones so it feels better afterwards.
I know people who can't cry so when they are stressed out, I torture them a little and they feel better afterwards. It's like forced orgasm but it's forced stress relief instead.

Tears are interesting.
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby xcagedsilhouttex » Sun Nov 25, 2018 6:35 pm

@solemnlysworn

Thanks x

I will forgive her but in order to do that I need to stop the disillusionment. I need to acknowledge that her actions, intentional or not, have had an impact on me.

@Squaredonutwheels

The tears were a little bit on the forced side. It might be frustration that the past can and never will be changed. Her killing herself is not the issue but the pattern. It's something I have denied yet has remained below the surface and probably does have a large influence over my abandonment issues.

This is probably an ignorant thought but when I do feel the void, I think what has created is a general lack of childhood care which I feel the need to compensate in my actions towards others, project in some cases and try and fill with relationships.

I feel the need to care and be cared for because that is what is lacking but I also do not want to care and push those who care about me away because that is all I have known.
dx: Mixed Personality Disorder (F61)
Anorexia Nervosa (F50)
Substance Abuse (F11)

But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth. It's just a matter of how you look at it, that's all
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby octopustentacles » Mon Nov 26, 2018 3:28 am

Scared. I hate being alone in storms. The wind is a nightmare in this rinky dink crack hole. I cant believe I live in such a dump. ( maybe if the trees break the window all the mold in this place will blow out) :|
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby scharah » Mon Nov 26, 2018 9:06 am

Super lonely, super tired, super depressed, obsessed with death, feeling dead, hopeless, ugly, fat, stupid, boring, ashamed, no one cares
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby xcagedsilhouttex » Mon Nov 26, 2018 9:10 am

I'm sorry scharah.

I hope your day gets better.
dx: Mixed Personality Disorder (F61)
Anorexia Nervosa (F50)
Substance Abuse (F11)

But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth. It's just a matter of how you look at it, that's all
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xcagedsilhouttex
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Joined: Mon Sep 10, 2018 10:27 pm
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Blog: View Blog (4)

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