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How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby xcagedsilhouttex » Wed Oct 24, 2018 11:20 pm

I could do with hot chocolate and hair play. I am not feeling well (physically). It's one of the few times I regret being alone.
dx: Mixed Personality Disorder (F61)
Anorexia Nervosa (F50)
Substance Abuse (F11)

But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth. It's just a matter of how you look at it, that's all
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby solemnlysworn » Thu Oct 25, 2018 7:48 pm

Sweet image. Feel better
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby xcagedsilhouttex » Sun Oct 28, 2018 6:59 pm

Over tired.

I wish that I could make a bed out of super soft feathers and hoist it into the air. I have bruises all over so no position that I lie in is suitably comfortable.
dx: Mixed Personality Disorder (F61)
Anorexia Nervosa (F50)
Substance Abuse (F11)

But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth. It's just a matter of how you look at it, that's all
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby thejan » Mon Oct 29, 2018 10:24 am

I had a telephone call just now where a diagnoistician told me all of my diagnoses.

I have
Bipolar disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Histrionic Personality Disorder
Pathological Computer Gaming

I am sad.

At least i understand myself a bit better now - after the big shock. I hope i can hold down a job.

I am happy for what i have: I have a small apartement (rent) and i have a job offer which will start on the 1st.
Dx: Bipolar 2. BDP+HPD. Pathological Gaming.

It takes a long time for a tree to grow.
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby Elastic Heart » Tue Oct 30, 2018 10:11 am

I feel crazy. And terrified. So, so terrified. I might very well lose him this time and I am too deluded to see it happening! I need to get my $#%^ together but I can't even tell it's apart. Well, yes, I suppose I can, but I've been a train wreck for so long I hardly know how I'm supposed to be! I fail to see how my actions or lack thereof affect him, and more so I am too dissociated to have a decent grasp of time and frequency. Hell, I'm too dissociated to even notice that I exist. At what point does this become a psychosis?

And the funny part is the solution is simple. Sort of. At least the rough sketch of it; all is of course more complex than that. But even that becomes impossible when I am a ghost. Am I too far lost? No, no, I refuse to accept that. So does he. That's why he's still here. He's been through too much for me to just give up. But I really have no idea how to solve this. How I could become this deluded in the first place is beyond me. I am not a good person. I hurt him, I hurt him so much. Yet I let myself believe we're doing okay. How self-centered is it possible to be? I am indeed not a good person; I am in fact horrible and pretending to be nice makes it all even worse. I am selfish and cruel. I don't deserve him, I ought to let him go, but I can't.

I am tired. So incredibly tired. I am utterly confused, devastated, depressed and fearful. I don't know what I will do. I don't know what I can do, or even if I will remember that I need to do something when I wake up.
Do not go gentle into that good night
Rage, rage against the dying of the light
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby xcagedsilhouttex » Tue Oct 30, 2018 11:39 am

^
I am so sorry you are going through this.

In regards to your depersonalisation, it's not psychosis but it can be difficult to manage. Eventually you get somewhat used to it and there are techniques to make it more manageable. I find that running my fingers over my palms helps when it's really bad but it is tiring.

It's good that you are not giving up on yourself. Are you on any medication and are you participating in psychotherapy? If not, these are doable steps to take to improve your situation.
dx: Mixed Personality Disorder (F61)
Anorexia Nervosa (F50)
Substance Abuse (F11)

But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth. It's just a matter of how you look at it, that's all
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby Elastic Heart » Tue Oct 30, 2018 5:24 pm

xcagedsilhouttex, thank you for your kind reply. I mainly wrote my post just to get some weight off my heart, not paying much attention to making it readable to others, hence the rambling quality of it all; nevertheless I truly appreciate you taking the time to answer.

I'm not taking medication or going to therapy. The psychologists I've seen have done more harm than good and while I am sure there are wonderful ones out there, I don't believe it is worth the chase for me. My dissociation is also something I have struggled with for years and it has become very ingrained in who I am, to the point where I am never quite sure if I am truly present/mindful or if that too is just another false world. Very fun I promise! I do find however that heavy physical activity helps in keeping me grounded, as well as surrounding myself with true nature.

I am feeling much better now, after talking with my boyfriend and being assured he won't leave me anytime soon. My struggles still stands but I am not as devastated and fragile as earlier. It is all a part of my existence and while that sounds very New Age-ish, I have accepted my journey. As painful as it can be, I am blessed in that I have a boyfriend as steady as a mountain and an almost childlike stubbornness when it comes to giving up. I have my times of hopeless darkness but I always bounce back. :)

Sorry about the wall of text and I might add that English is not my native language; I know I can sometimes come across as impolite and harsh due to the direct and informal nature of my own language and that is truly not my intention. Have a good night and take care <3
Do not go gentle into that good night
Rage, rage against the dying of the light
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby xcagedsilhouttex » Tue Oct 30, 2018 6:01 pm

It's great that you and your SO have a good line of open communication and I am glad that he is so supportive.

You are not coming across as harsh at all :)

Dissociation is difficult to deal with and we have to just take it one day at a time or even one hour at a time.
dx: Mixed Personality Disorder (F61)
Anorexia Nervosa (F50)
Substance Abuse (F11)

But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth. It's just a matter of how you look at it, that's all
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby xcagedsilhouttex » Tue Oct 30, 2018 9:59 pm

I'm having a panic attack. I feel like I can't breathe properly and I feel faint. Trying not to hyperventilate.
dx: Mixed Personality Disorder (F61)
Anorexia Nervosa (F50)
Substance Abuse (F11)

But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth. It's just a matter of how you look at it, that's all
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xcagedsilhouttex
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby star dust » Thu Nov 01, 2018 11:46 pm

Well as usual the past month has been a rollercoaster. I was just going back reading replies on here and I saw 2 posts on here I wrote which I can’t even remember writing. I thought I hadn’t been on this forum in months and months. Weird...
As for how I’m feeling. I’m not too bad right now. Since I got on here I feel better for some reason. Prior to coming on here I pretty much beat myself up and slammed my head against the wall so hard I’ve now got lumps on my head. I was raging. Again. Angry stardust always raging. Ha. since I beat the sh*t out of my head I cried a bit and thought about killing my self. Then suddenly I went numb. Comfortably numb. I feel better... ish. I just kinda feel in acceptance that I’m a crazy bitch and my life and mental state is an utter ######6 messs and oh well.
This other star dust has taken over. It’s quite remarkable how I’ve changed. I was really really raging. And then I was incredibly sad. Now I feel.... numb.

-- Thu Nov 01, 2018 11:53 pm --

Autumn218 wrote:It is easier for me to say it now that i am away from toxic people. When i was still with them i wanted to die.
But i reaized the best revenge is to be happy.
And try in any way to get away from them.
And karma will take revenge for you into them.
I don't know how to deal with anger advice because empathy maybe ? makes me turn it in.
I mean sure there is subconstious need for revenge and a short period where i am angry but then it turns into depression and not constant anger as feeling.
I have heard people say anger is what makes them continue living and motivate.well it feels annoying to me more than depression.because you can't act on it.
The feeing that yu have to control your anger is more annoying than depression in myself

-- Fri Sep 28, 2018 7:06 pm --

But i also think people shouldn't be always happy and avoid negative feelings .to repress all negative feelings is abusive as much as the opposite of not letting other be happy


You’re so right. Living a good life is the best revenge. But.... that’s the thing it’s like how do I get to that life with all these scars and life long issues they gave me... I don’t want to think about it right now. I’m in a state of blissful dopiness. I don’t want to trigger my anger. Karma will do its work. I must trust. Thanks for taking the time to write that. Cause I agree really. It’s two things I always try to tell myself, that the best thing to do is focus on me and bettering myself and let karma take care of the punishment. And yes that’s the problem. Because I can’t relelsse the anger it can make me depressed... they say depression is anger turned inward. I do also turn it inward. It’s like I have to because there’s nowhere else for it to go. Earlier is an example. I didn’t want to beat myself up I wanted to beat someone else up. I couldn’t beat them up so I beat me up instead.
But like.... why should I suffer.... grr. And yeah, I am definitely very aware of the fact that I need to release this anger in a healthy way. It keeps reminding me it’s still there. It’s really like a monster inside me. I have to find a way. I can’t repress it any longer.
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