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How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby star dust » Wed Aug 01, 2018 8:08 pm

I think a fun way to die would be doing so much heroin u can no longer feel. Then just rolling off a cliff. You wouldn’t feel any pain (hopefully) you’d just fall into death. Probably the last sensation you would feel would be falling then you would be dead. That part where you cross over would be a fall. As opposed to just oding on heroin. For some reason I feel like once unconscious and at the point of crossing over to death you’d go into this weird death dream in that part of your consciousness that is still alive, and what if you never came out of it. Like you were just stuck there forever after you’ve died.
I don’t know why they call it jumping or ‘jumpers’. No one really jumps to their death do they. They step. They fall. No one jumps. I don’t think I would. I would just walk off into the air. It’s on my list of potentially painless future suicide options. Although I probably couldn’t be assed to get myself to a cliff edge cause I’m too lazy and depressed. It’s just a nice fantasy suicide scenario.
It kinda fascinates me. That second between being alive and being dead. How do you.... time it. What is the smallest measure of time. We think in seconds and milliseconds as the smallest amount of time cause that’s our scale that we use to measure it but what’s smaller than that. There’s a moment where you go from being alive to being dead. How do you measure that moment. Does it just happen.
Some tiny fragment of time passes in which you cross. I do think there’s something beyond it. Because I can’t see how your consciousness can just suddenly stop because your body is dead. That would mean our consciousness is just simply a tangible thing stored in our brain. Or that, my consciousness is as much the cell in my hand or in my fingernail or hair as I am my thoughts, memories, feelings, behaviours. But fingernails shed. Skin sheds. Cells die off, new cells replace old.
So I’m not my cells. I’m just connected to them. If all our consciousness is is just our thoughts, feelings and behaviours we’re not really real are we. We’re just all programs shaped by the environment. And genetics. I don’t believe that, I think everyone has an individual consciousness and a ‘soul’. Therefore you must become some other form of consciousness after you die. It’s got to go somewhere. Cause we’re not our bodies. We’re not our cells. We’re not even our thoughts or feelings.
I feel stoned even though I’m not.
So how I’m feeling in this moment, whatever a moment is, is like I want to die. But with no current plans to attempt it. Not in this moment at least.
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby HereForTheFood » Thu Aug 02, 2018 3:28 am

I like you the best

And I'm lovesick
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby Elastic Heart » Wed Aug 08, 2018 5:16 pm

F****ng pissed and upset. Somehow I've gotten into trouble at work and I'm so goddamn tired of it. I want to quit but I have nowhere else to go and considering I blew my relationship with last boss I need a good recommendation. I know I could just open my heart or whatever and let them know why I've been a little down lately (cause everything hurts and I want to die, basically) but honestly I don't think that's any of their business and as long as I don't cause problems to anyone, I don't think I should be punished for it. And I've always helped the others out before! Hell, they should have known. They'd be amazed at how well I am doing, lol. But I don't want them to know. Partly because then I'd probably just start crying, lol. They see me as a loose cannon enough as it is. I want to quit so badly.
Do not go gentle into that good night
Rage, rage against the dying of the light
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby cirkusrat » Sun Aug 12, 2018 9:07 pm

Exhausted. Hungry soul. Depressed. About to cry. Starting to become so sick and exhausted from this calorie restriction I've put myself into. I've become so trapped in it by now. Weighing any food, any ingredient. Going hours without eating. Eating only certain foods, same everyday, only safe foods. Drinking dangerously many litres a day, diet coke, coffee, tea, just to fill my stomach and get through the day. Tracking the calories I burn through exercise. Pushing myself so hard, too hard?...Walking at a pace closer to running than actually walking. Preparing to go swimming laps for at least 45 minutes every singe day of the approaching week. My body is craving so much but it can't have it. I just can't allow myself to do it. I need this kind of control, now that I can't control my inner chaos, the overwhelming emotions. Though not (yet) officially diagnosed with an eating disorder/anorexia nervosa, I think this is becoming serious by now. Long passed the healthy point, long gotten underweight, long gotten to the point where people notice, but still restricting every single day and making sure I have a certain calorie deficit each day of the week in order to continue losing weight. Calculating, for God's sake. Calculating, calculating, calculating. It's so easy, isn't it? Just simple math. Right? It drains me. It drains my body. It drains my soul. Suddenly, everything's about food, about exercise, about calories per 100gram, about nutritional facts on the back of food items. Not just suddenly, has been for a long time by now. When will it get better? Will it ever? Would I rather want to feel like drowning in an ocean of unbearable and overwhelming emotions than doping my body and my soul, soothing the inner pain, by trying to control my eating, my weight, my bones sticking out?
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby cirkusrat » Wed Aug 15, 2018 6:47 am

Sad. Depressed. Like crying. Angry. Upset. MAd at my mother. Mad at myself. Feeling guilty and unresponsible. Just got a mail from my mom this morning (I was feeling so uplifted and excited for a new day), asking me why the hell I'm spening so much money, I have to move away and start studying next month, I can't act that unresponsible, others have noticed too, etc. Well. There are more reasons to that but only I know. I've lost a lot of money on transport tickets. And my calorie restriction/eating disorder only allows me to buy low calorie foods, sugar free, gluten free, sugar substitutes. Which is pricey. Bought a 10-ties-ticket for the swimming pool so burn calories and lose even more weight. And I had to buy a scale last Sunday to check that I'm still losing weight. Well I'll just leave my credit card at home and not spend any money the next days. And apply for a student loan, probably. And eat as little as possible so I'll have to buy as little as possible. And now I'll go to bed.
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby Amanda94 » Wed Aug 15, 2018 4:22 pm

I got diagnosed today with BPD I feel numb I can't be bothered anymore :o
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby Breytt » Thu Aug 16, 2018 9:16 pm

I figured out why I don't enjoy my job anymore, and it's really all because of my puppy. She's so well-trained and wonderful, and I just don't know why all these young (but older than her) dogs are so problematic. They're not bad dogs, but the potential for them has been ruined by not being trained or disciplined appropriately. It's just sad, and it has made working with them very difficult. I'll admit my girl is insanely smart and picks up on things quickly. I don't expect other dogs to be anywhere close to as well-trained as she is, but even just the basics.. You know? I guess their owners just have lower expectations though, and that really isn't my problem.. I just want to enjoy my job again, because by me not enjoying my job it makes me very unlikely to keep doing it.

On that note, my boyfriend and I are doing well enough. I mean he burst a bubble nearly 2 months ago, and I don't know if we can ever go back to how things were but he's trying. I just don't know if things will ever be the same. I mean I miss how we were when we first met a year and a half ago. It was different. We did spontaneous things, and he wanted to make me happy. Now it just feels boring. I feel like I'm with an old man who doesn't ever want to go do anything, and every time I bring something up he asks "why?".. I just hate it. I'm young, and he is too and yet he'd be perfectly content sitting at home the rest of his life. I'm not though, like at all. I feel like I'm searching for something, -anything- to make me feel content with my life. Not even happy, just content. I just want to feel like I'm doing something with my life, and going somewhere with my boyfriend.. We're just so different though, and while I love him I just don't know if things will work out long-term with us being this different. Even politically we're on opposite sides of the spectrum, and with his idea of "fun" being staying in and playing games or watching movies.. like I just don't know how we can make that work long-term. It doesn't help that he acts like he takes things seriously and then nothing seems to change. That really irritates me.
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby RamadanSteve » Sat Aug 18, 2018 1:10 am

I'm moderately stoned right now, feeling pretty nice. I feel like I've overcome a lot of emotional issues in the past few years of my life. I'm not as needy, I'm not drunk all the time, I'm not as jarringly confrontational anymore, I'm not as paranoid. I still get in really bad moods at some point in almost everyday, but where as suicide used to seriously run through my head at these times, I'm able to reason with myself and realize that there are better times to be had in the future. I gotta clean my gutters out tomorrow which is gonna suck and I'm kinda scared because I don't wanna fall off my roof (lol) and injure myself but ###$ it, its gotta be done. I'm kind of excited for school to start again so I can work towards getting my degree. I gotta save up to buy a car too and I should be going out to LA in the Fall or Winter. There are definitely going to be some #######4 times to come but also some good ones.
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby Echinacea » Sat Aug 18, 2018 10:01 am

@breytt - yes thats exactly it, i was the same, as i trained my 3 rotties and my husky all myself too. but yet other dogs seemed to be not trained at all, as a dog trainer and carer yourself you will expect the basics from the other dogs and when their not (we) look to the owners right? its not the dogs fault...what ive found is lazy owners, my brother is a prime example, im furious at him and yet nothing changes. so ive stopped wasting my breath.

regarding your bf, yes i see with your words that your bf is very happy and content and your not, and you have the right to mention it, yes you love him but your not content, sometimes having a hobby yourself can help. not all couples like the same things so a compromise is needed, Since the xbox, PS ans other distractions came into our lives romance has took second place (or thats what ive seen) it become the norm, and its very unfair that people cant give the same stimulation as the devices and games can. imo you must have a chat with him and tell him how "your feeling" not aimed at him just how you feel when you dont do anything outside the house with him, Gaming is his pleasure and maybe not your at all. find something you both like and do it once a week/month but dont give ultimatums, its not about him gaming its about doing something you both like to do together...and his gaming can still be part of his free time but he mustn't expect you to just be bored why he gets all the fun.

good luck Breytt
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Re: How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Postby MyLove2018 » Sun Aug 19, 2018 2:05 am

I feel extremely sad even though I spent a good part of the day texting and talking on the phone with my SO. I've been sharing things lately about my diagnosis and I'm scared of overwhelming her. I'm acting calm on the outside to not seem 'crazy' but inside I'm panicked and feel like I'm dying. We ended our conversation for the night a little while ago and I have this feeling of absolute dread that my SO will think that I am too much work and leave me.

The only thing that I haven't done lately is panic outwardly because of how I feel. This is good because I used to stress my SO and myself out with my fears then I would panic outwardly because I knew I'd made things stressful and confusing for us both with my panic. Right now I feel good that I haven't been expressing a lack of control outwardly, a very big step for me, but inside I feel as though I'm dying.
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