Cautionary Tales on breaking up violence

Hello, my friend is married to a man who I strongly suspect has Borderline Personality Disorder (as I too have the condition). She wants to leave him and I am very worried that he could become very violent or even murderous towards himself or her should he find this out. He already beats her. Am I right to be afraid? Any evidence or links would help as I want to advise my friend to be very cautious. Thanks

Wow, this is a really complex situation. I wouldn't advise you to give your friend advice or tell her what to do on this. It really is up to your friend to leave-it is her decision/choice at the end of the day and it wouldn't be good for you to pressurise her on this point as she might just cut contact with you and be even more isolated then. The best thing you can do is be as non judgmental of her decisions and actions as possible and just be there for her if and when she decides to leave. A lot of people do judge-wondering why the woman doesn't leave however there can be a lot of barriers to exiting an abusive relationship and that needs to be taken into consideration. A lot of men are the financial breadwinners so women may not have the financial resources to leave. Some women may not have anywhere else to go and may have children so when there's children involved, that makes it harder for a woman to leave such a situation. Some women's confidence can be so battered down by an abuser that she may wonder if she has the emotional strength to leave also..it's a really complex, sad scenario.

There are some websites on domestic violence detailing the cycle of abuse and the barriers that I mentioned so if you google online, you will find some and that will increase your understanding of the issue and help you be as compassionate and non judgmental to your friend as possible. The websites do list ways for women to get out of the relationship and they usually have a button on them to delete the website off the web history so they're definitely a valuable resource for anyone in this scenario as well as women's shelters and organisations devoted to helping domestic violence abuse victims. I know that there are some helplines for domestic violence victims too.

Thanks I appreciate that. I was more looking for links to give her that show how explosive a borderline man could be if he finds out someone is going to abandon him because I don't think she is aware of the threat and doesn't understand the possible danger (she told me that he has said he will kill her if she tries to leave.) She doesn't know her husband had this disorder and in truth neither do I but from what she's told me it seems very very likely. I am in a bit of a race against time as a new job will probably relocate her.

hmm..the problem with an abusive man is that when the woman leaves, they lose their control over the woman and they can't stand that so it's very dangerous for a woman to leave.

I really think you need to leave the bpd out of the equation here-from what you're saying, the man just sounds like an abusive, violent man and with abusers, its best to stick to the rule of "a leopard doesn't change their spots". There have been efforts made by psychologists to reform abusive men however it is unclear as to whether these psychological efforts actually work as abusive men tend to regard themselves as the victim and not the actual person they're abusing. From what I've read, abusive behaviour is a learned behaviour, a choice a man makes in a patriarchal society. I know that there are female abusers however I really don't know enough about that to comment on that issue and it's not relevant to this issue anyways.

It is your friend's choice to leave-if you give her information on bpd, she might just try to get her husband into DBT instead of leaving him so I honestly don't think that's a good idea.. Has he actually been diagnosed with bpd or do you just think he has bpd from reading the DSM criteria online? Only a psychiatrist can diagnose bpd so that's an important point to make. A lot of abused women seem to think that they can change their abuser through counselling yet that never really happens so please don't give her info on bpd as she'll just get that idea into her head. I hate to be blunt about that however there it is.

I honestly think you have to take a step back and let your friend make up her own mind-it is a very hard situation and I really sympathise with your predicament here. The best thing your friend could do would be to go into a woman's shelter or some kind of safe place and get a barring order or some legal protection against the abusive partner. She definitely needs to go to an organisation that deals with domestic violence to find out how to best approach the situation as it's such a hard one.

It sounds like the partner is just moving your friend away from presumably family and/or friends in order to isolate her and increase his control over her even more..

I also question whether the man being borderiine is relevant. I'm not aware of BPD's being more or less violent than the general population. However I am very familiar with the danger that an abusive and controlling man represents to a woman that is leaving him. Yes, BPD sufferers can be explosive, sitting in the corner exploding into tears seems more like it to me. Obviously an abuser is an abuser regardless of diagnosis.

I think most communities have networks and agencies setup to help her safely transition out and get court orders if necessary.

Police take this very seriously, and can offer assistance like "civil standby" where they just stand at the door while she removes her things or he removes his to ensure peace.