is my mood disordered or is it just me?

sometimes all i can do is feel, but there are other times that im overwhelmed with this chronic emptiness that seems to swallow me up and keep me away from myself and everyone that i love. i constantly wish i was dead. it would be so much easier to feel nothing than to have to flip back and forth between feeling everything and feeling one miserable consuming sadness. I wish i knew what was wrong with me, i wish i could find a middle ground between the 2. there isn't any middle ground, it's either all or nothing. I'm done, I want out.