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Postby YisY » Sat Jan 04, 2014 1:09 am

Ok i've been online for the past hour looking for some answers something anything please please!!?

I'm totally overwhelmed and I need help. I really feel helpless and scared and I told myself I rather be dead than be a pedofile. I don't know what the hell i'm thinking or feeling. I feel like i'm going insane. Yes I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder along with OCD along with a major depressive disorder... I am very aware of the OCD because I actually do engage in rituals of sorts or as I like to call it 'magical thinking" doing certain things one way to avoid 'bad luck' and having a fear of doing things on Tuesdays or Fridays. It's very present. I could be talking to somebody and at the back of my mind i'm thinking say this and you'll have good luck or don't say this. A lot of my decisions are based on that type of thinking...
        Getting to the point. This all started 2 weeks ago and the thoughts just came full throttle as if out of nowhere because before that I never really had these thoughts and if so they were fleeting kind of like somebody asking themselves would I ever murder somebody? The thought comes and goes. No strong emotional response or anything. Oh i'd like to add that i'm gay and have had issues dealing with that in the past. I'm not fully "Out' yet or at least not to my father. Italian, very masculine and a lite old school.
     Anyway the first thought I had was "omg what if i'd hit on my 14 year old cousin" I started to panic reak bad andI hsd to call my brother so he can calm me down. I had to take some Meds too. I wanted to vomit I thought this is it I have finally lost my mind!i as i'm writing it the fear is rising but looking at what i'm writing makes it seem so much less powerful. From that moment every wakung moment has been thinking about things like that. Just the what if and oh no's! And all of that. Just all the worst case scenarios. I have gone out and would be afraid to see young girls. The holidays were hard for me... Yeah writing words that may have sexual innuendos makes me nervous and panicky. Well I have 3 nieces and well I was scared and trying to keep the fear at bay and trying so much to keep the thoughts away. I took 25mg of Loxapine to help ease the panic. I haven't ever watched kiddy porn or anything like that i've always found it disgusting! Omg thinking about it is making me panic... My groin has been feeling weird too I get a tingling sensation but no hard on... For me the fear becomes stronger because for the longest time I was resistant to the fact that i'm gay so I keep asking myself is this just another sexual identity thing? Am I really a pedofile and I can'y come to terms with it? What's going on? Why this? Please somebody help me!!!
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