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Misdiagnosed?

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Misdiagnosed?

Postby KCBDD » Mon Jan 09, 2006 4:51 am

I am a twenty-four year old female trying to start a career as an elementary school teacher, but my intense hatred and self-conscious are getting in the way. I love school and I really like being around kids, but I feel like they are always looking at me because I am so ugly and/ or strange looking. I know I am no super model by any means and I know I am no the ugliest thing on the planet but I am really self-conscious about my looks and my thougts are constantly interrupted by my obsession of self degredation.

People have told me that I am attractive, but I feel like they are saying that to be nice and to make me forget about what I can't change. I can't look in the mirror without blurring my vision or standing ten feet away from it. I am scared of my own reflection-literally. the worst is when I am at the gym and I am lifting weights and there are full length mirrors on the walls and I can't escape my
reflection.

As a teeneager I was diagnosed wih Anorexia because I lost a lot of weight because I hated my thighs. I ended up going in the hospital and there was no mention of a BDD diagnosis, but I learned a little bit about it from a girl who was diagnosed with it in the hospital with me.

I am concerned about my weight and my life is dictated by the gym and how many calories I consume but I am also majorly concered and loathe my appearance. I really hate my big thighs and nasty legs even though I lost a lot of weight again ( I went in the hospital last summer and gained 15 lbs). I am uncomfortable in my skin- I have nasty moles, my hair is thinning and stringy and I have thin lips.

I feel like I may have the disorder, but it's hard to diagnose yourself when you are the one who's ill. I am afraid if I bring it up to my thearapist they will feed on it and use it as a diagnosis whether I have the condition or not. I feel like it's a good way to justify someone's negative feeling about what they see in themselves that they can't change. I don't want ot be lied to and told that all of these thigns I see are in my head or blown out of proportion if they really are not.

I feel bad all the time and the wort part is I feel guilty about being so vain. I am in mental torture and there is ahrdly ever any serentiy in my life. In the meanwhiile I am getting older and I am wsting my life away. I feel like there is no hope. Am I anorexic or do i have BDD and my eating is a result o fmy illness? Is there anyone out there who can empathize?
KCBDD
 


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Postby anon e moose » Sun Jan 29, 2006 11:13 am

i understand, especially the part about hating your thighs, it's all i think about sometimes. i realized i had bdd when i saw it on oprah (sad, i know). there was a really good-looking guy on the show who had bdd, and he said (not sure if i'll get it exactly right, but it was something like...) "i won't kill myself, because i know that if i did that i would be hurting my family. but i don't think that it's fair that i have to live with the constant pain of looking like this, just so that i don't hurt them. i know it's cruel, but sometimes i wish they didn't exist, so i wouldn't have to cope with this torture just so as not to hurt them." i think the same thing all the time, almost word-for-word. i have avoidant personality disorder, and bulimia also (i think, possibly ed-nos, basically i binge then don't eat for days). so i understand what you're going through. my current bmi is 18, but i feel like i'm the fattest person in the world, not to mention the ugliest.
anon e moose
 


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