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My BDD

Body Dysmorphic Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

My BDD

Postby Melvitty » Wed Sep 21, 2005 2:44 pm

Hello all! I just registered to this. I have not read many other threads yet, but I will get around to it momentarily. I was just so excited to see a forum with others who were suffering what I was suffering as well. I figured I'd post my story and hopefully get some responses from similar people. It would help me so much to meet others like me...

I am a 20 year old hispanic college student in a small town in Texas. Ever since I was 10 years old (I was living in another state at this time), I suffered from anxiety, depression, and several other things, due to the extreme racism towards hispanics I encountered in this particular state (even from the kids and teachers in my school). After 4 years of this, I moved back to Texas with my family, but my social interaction with others was non-existant as I had become accustomed to being on my own and avoiding others. I became the weird, quiet girl in the back of the class. The one no one notices or cares about. I guess that's what I still am today.
I didn't think much of the fact that I felt so incredibly ugly even though my parents and their friends told me I was very pretty. This is still the case today. After 6 years of it, my mother had had enough and realized that there was probably something deeper than just low self-esteem. This was reinforced by a television program she saw about a girl with BDD. She realized that this is what was happening to me.
I didn't know much about BDD at the time. I thought it was an obsession with a particular body part, which was not the case for me since I feel just ugly overall. She insisted I find a book about it and read up to see if this is what was happening. I read The Broken Mirror by Dr. Katharine Phillips, and, yes, I have BDD. I just feel so incredibly hideous all of the time. It's always on my mind. I feel as if I am not worthy of being near or talking to anyone remotely attractive. I feel as if people are thinking, "Dear God, I am so glad I am not her." or "What's she doing around here?" I know they probably aren't thinking this, and that people probably don't even notice me, but it's still the way I feel.
Well, after my parents read the book and saw the Oprah show about BDD, we were all convinced that this is what I was suffering from. The problem is, the psychiatrists and psychologists around here don't know about or treat BDD. It has been so incredibly frustrating for my parents and I. Though I have my family's support, I still felt alone in this. They don't understand why I feel this way. It's hard for them. Today I decided to look for a forum, and here I am.
Ok, this is long enough. I hope to meet others who'd like to talk and feel the way I do. I'm going to check out the rest of the threads and see what other people are going through and hopefully be able to give some support to them. I'll be around. :)
Melvitty
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Re: My BDD

Postby MegzNotLoggedIn » Sat Oct 08, 2005 5:12 pm

Hi Melvity! Im a girl with BDD myself. I had BDD seince age ten but it was not severe...I could leave the house and do allot of other stuff and my BDD did not get in the way of my life but it still caused a little bit of problems. From age ten to about tweelve in a half years old I had the more mild BDD.
But one day I started looking in the mirror and seeing the most distorted look of myself I had ever seen in the mirror. I at first thought my face and swollen and droped because I was deathly ill and and in the hospital for the last couple weeks and it just took a seriouse toll on my looks. But everyone claimed that I looked tottally the same as always. Then I just thought I was always ugly and I had just realised that I was not the petite average looking girl I thought I was. Basically I thought " geez all this time I was one of those very ugly girls that thinks she is good looking." I was also bullied really bad the last couple years so it was over due to take a toll on me.
After a couple weeks of seeing myself like this I became severly depressed and sucidel so my parents took me to see a psyciatrist. Luckly she was one of the top psyciatrist around so I was digionosed properly with BDD. Yet my psycoligist that I saw eekly never understood me so they just choose to blow it off and talk about stuped stuff like Holidays and stuff like that.
The first two years off BDD where horrible, I was homebound, wore unbeilvible amounts of makeup and checked mirrors every few minutes. School was very hard with severe BDD because people choose not to try to understand so they just wrote me of as the outcast of outcast! That also slowed down my healing process.
Now at age 16 Im still suffering but Im allot better!
Please let me know if you read my post to you!
MegzNotLoggedIn
 

i understand

Postby andrea17 » Sun Mar 26, 2006 11:47 pm

it is really calming to know that other people out there are suffering from the same disorder(BDD). I understand exaclt how you feel. BDD has changed my life in a really bad way. I am 18 going on 19 and have always had issues with the way i looked, but it wasn't until september 2005 that it started to get really bad. Gradually i started to hate the way i looked and thought i looked like a monster. What at first was not liking my nose, or my hair, turned into me hating everything. I would look in the mirror, and i couldn't find one thing that i thought was beautiful or pretty. I would spend hours in front of the mirror trying to fix myself, but it never worked. I was never satisfied. I felt even uglier sometime and would beat myself up over the fact that i need to put loads of makeup on and spend hours doing my hair to make me look even somewhat desent. Then i stoped going out, i lost interest in social activites, i didn't want to hang out with my friends. I think deep down i do want those things, but i didn't want to do it if i was ugly, ...i didn't want people to see me.. i thought they would think i was ugly and i just didn't feel worthy to be around such beautiful people. It has taken over a part of me and is even gotten in the way of my future, like going to college or univerity. I don't want to folow my dream on being a performer( broadway, or musical artist) because i don't feel that i am pretty enough. i think to myself, why would someone want to come and see me?
butya, it feels good toknow i'm not alone..and i hope somehow i can get through this.
andrea17
 


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