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My BDD story and thoughts

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My BDD story and thoughts

Postby sofia996 » Fri Apr 10, 2020 7:28 pm

Hi everyone,
I have been writing here before as you might know. I'm a 23 year old female who will turn 24 this summer. I got the diagnose Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) in spring 2018 as I unexpectedly started to feel obsessed with my hair/haircut after cutting my own hair in my student apartment and didn't feel satisfied with the result. I got so obsessed with my hair and wanting it to look alright again that it seriously took over my whole life. I know it might sound crazy but my hair was the only thing I was thinking about and talking about.
I could stand infront of my mirror for whole days just trying to fix my hair so I would look alright again. As a result I got really really depressed as this hair-obsession really consumed my mind and I would really say that it took my life away from me. I thought my haircut was so ugly that I didn't wanted to be seen by anyone, not even my closest relatives and I would hide my hair in a hoodie. Not even my family was allowed to see my hair and I was walking around in my hoodie in the summer 2018 even though it was hot as hell and I threw up one day as it got too hot for me insisting on wearing my hoodie no matter what. I felt so ashamed of how I looked and I didn't wanted to be seen by anyone. I was studying on university and had my last year left but I didn't wanted to return and complete my studies as I was too ashamed of how I looked, so I ended my studies and returned home again to my parents house.

It felt good to live with my parents and sibilings again as the fact is that I actuelly developed my BDD in my lonliness when I was living alone in my student apartment and the only thing that was waiting for me when I got home to my apartment was my mirror who was standing there in the middle of the room. The mirror was the first thing I saw when I entered my apartment and the last thing I saw when I left.

This is the reason I tell people that loneliness can be really dangerous, as the loneliness and isolation living alone in my student apartment made me develop this mental disorder/illness BDD who made me so depressed that I wanted to take my own life.

The obsession with my hair was consuming me and I was so tired of the thoughts and the obsession that I just wanted to end my life. I've never felt such desire to die. My family was tired of me and I was tired of myself and I felt that I had nothing to live for. I was just a burden. I have always been scared of death and leaving this earth but when I was at my lowest in my depression I wasn't scared at all. I just wanted to end life as the pain I felt in my body was too unbearable to keep on living with. I had been suffering for so long and I was so alone. My family was irritated of me which made me so sad as I just felt like the burden, and the pain just wouldn't stop.

It might sound strange that a ugly haircut can ruin one's whole life and relations but what I write is completely true. I got totally obsessed with my hair which resulted in the worst kind of depression that I wanted to end it all.

One evening in july 2018 I entered the livingroom in our house and said to my family "I can't keep on living like this anymore". The pain in my chest was just too unbearable and my heart was tired. My body and mind just wanted some rest.
What I went trough makes me totally relate to Aviicis song "SOS" and the verse "Can you hear me SOS help my mind to get some rest".

I got to visit a doctor in a nearby hospital pretty soon and got help fast. They prescribed medication that would calm me down when I felt sad and finally my dear antidepressants that I have been eating ever since. I was invited to group therapy where I met other people with the same struggles as myself, Since then I can really say life has been better, but sure, I have to admit that I still have days when I feel down.

As my hair looks okay now I've started to focusing on my face again, which makes me suspect that I actually had BDD a long time before I developed my hair-obsession in 2018. I have always felt unsatisfied with my face, not being one of those very pretty girls, and I've been watching videos and photos of myself.
Yesterday I deleted the videos I've had on my computer. It feels like such a waste of time to sit down and watch these over and over again and they just makes me sad. I guess I feel kind of relieved after all..
But I still feel that I haven't reached that point yet, when I can reduce my dose of my antidepressants, but maybe in the future. Atleast I hope so.

But at this moment I guess I have to realize that I can't trust my own view of my own looks to 100% as I have BDD, and my BDD is the reason that I can't feel satisfied with my looks.

And I have to think of the things my dad said to give me comfort when I'm sad: "Well you aren't gonna date yourself right? So therefore you are not the right person to to ask when it comes to rating your own attractiveness.."

Thank you for reading and please take care of yourself dear person who is reading this.
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