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First Time Posting about BDD

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First Time Posting about BDD

Postby NovaMob » Fri Dec 27, 2019 6:59 pm

Hi, this is the first time I've posted about my BDD and I've never spoken about a lot of this.

I'm a 32 year old man from London. I've been in the mental health system since I was 24. I've been previously diagnosed with schizotypal PD and depression, and I'm on an anti-depressant. I was recently diagnosed with BDD. It makes a lot of sense to me. I've been anxiously repulsed by my body since I was a teenager and I've had plenty of people tell me how ugly I am. In the past, I've harmed my face in what I think was an attempt to either improve it or give people since something really ugly. I was very angry and frustrated.

I don't want to come off as self-pitying, but to explain myself I have to refer to incidents where I was humiliated because of my appearance. I know I'm by means no alone in these experiences. I've been in a room of people laughing at my face. I used to have a 'friend' who had a very high opinion of himself. He sometimes called me his 'ugly friend' ("You know how fit girls always have an ugly friend..." he said). He would goad others into laughing at my ugliness; in hindsight, I think he was a bit fixated on my face (sorry that sounds really narcissistic), but he would frequently refer to how ugly I was. It was his go-to joke to impress people by humiliating me. It was like he relished putting me down. I now know his behaviour was probably down to his own insecurity and neuroses. Why did I hang around him? Low self-esteem I guess. I had other friends, but he would try to impose himself wherever I was..anyway, he wasn't the first.

I went through the whole 'ugly kid' routine at school. I tried to beautify myself, tried to fit in and it didn't work. I remember being rated the ugliest boy in my form. It hurts so deeply, it penetrates in your soul, it totally immobilizes you, sucks the guts out of you. I felt repulsed by every inch of my body; I still do. I still hate how skinny I am, hate my nose and jaw, in fact every part of my face is wrong, just really wrong. I hate my penis. That's hard for me to say, so it's easier to write it. I've had relationships and my exes have told me there's no problem, that;s it all in my head. Okay, this might sound weird, but I can measure it and see that it's not small (by the common standards), but when I look at it, I loathe it. I can't shake what my head projects. Sometimes I think of breaking my nose to make it straighter, but then realise what a totally stupid idea that is. I've read about people who have done self-surgery and well...you know it doesn't end well.

Of course I hate going out and being seen. I'm not paranoid, but I get these looks from some people - like deeply disgusted glares. Recently a young woman in the street gave me this look - it was like she had seen a Nazi, she was so repulsed. I was so struck by it I felt speechless. I didn't know what provoked her, it must be my appearance. I know how paranoid all this sounds, but it really does happen. It's like the inverse of beautiful people getting admiring looks - ugly people get hostile looks.

I know I'm not entitled to be bitter and angry because I'm ugly and other people are beautiful. It's a genetic lottery; live with it. But I'm sick of the patronising platitudes, the pitiful looks and the conveyer belt of #######4 that people spew - "Beauty is subjective...eye of the beholder...some people are so shallow..." And I'm probably no better. But I'll be honest - it does rankle when I see a really good-looking man or woman get what they want from people who fall over themselves to be near such beauty. I am envious of how exterior beauty attracts and ugliness repels. I look in the mirror and see pure ugliness and all the insults, glares and humiliation. People don't side with you when you're ugly, they treat you like $#%^ with impunity precisely because you're lower down on the hierarchy. When I fought back, they lash out to destroy any kind of resistance - you have to be put back in your place. It's a case of they can dish it out but can't take it.

My big nose is crooked now because I was assaulted by an internally very ugly guy. I won't go into it, but he attacked me and I was left with a broken nose, some bruising and mild concussion. I became very reclusive after that. I took me a while to feel safe & comfortable around anyone, and I still have anxiety about new people entering my home.

Sorry this is so long and rambling. I haven't talked about a lot of these things because I feel humiliated and emasculated by them. Some people look at you differently when you're ugly. They make assumptions about you based on your looks - and okay, so we all do that to greater or lesser extents, but if you're ugly, the assumptions are almost always very negative. An ugly face = ugly character. And some people - and perhaps they're just a minority and I've been unlucky - think they can treat you like a whipping boy or something they can just kick with impunity. Compare that to how they treat good-looking people. I remember when I was at college, a girl referred to me as "it" and she got a big laugh. The memory of that makes me cry sometimes; I had never felt so alienated, so deliberately isolated from everybody else. And it has the desired effect. The ugly guy isolates himself so you're not offended by the sight of him, so you can maintain your fantasy of living in in a beautiful world.
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Re: First Time Posting about BDD

Postby Silverfairy » Thu Jan 02, 2020 8:53 pm

There is a way out to this, i can relate to many of the things you have said, we have to keep faith that soon we can rise above and beyond this, just remember those memories of what people said are objectively harsh but because you have BDD they will feel even harsher so keep remembering it is not that and people that do not have BDD have also gone through a lot of hate/bullying, even celebrities online so just dont let the BDD make what you have been through worse than it really is...hope this makes sense buddy x
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