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I don’t have BDD...so now what!?

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I don’t have BDD...so now what!?

Postby KerouacsGirl » Thu Dec 26, 2019 1:40 pm

Hi all :) hope you had a lovely Christmas!

I’m currently seeing a psychotherapist because of extreme self hate and suicidal tendencies because I am extremely grotesque. I was bullied at school severely (beaten up and attempted to be set on fire, pissed on etc) for being ugly. I’m now 32 and people still treat me like $#%^, because of my appearance. I take effort in my appearance, I wear make up, I bath daily and tend to my hair and wear clean clothes but it makes no difference. A poo is still a poo even if you sprinkle glitter on it! But I still have days when I physically can’t leave the house because of how ugly I am. I have meltdowns and I can’t get to work or go out. I’ve stayed at home during annual leave for a week and not eaten because I’ve run out of food and can’t force myself to go out unless I had to to get food and litter for my cat becasue he depends on me. I’ve lost jobs as a result of it. I wake up every day wishing I hadn’t.

I’ve lost 3 stone and I’m still actively trying to lose visceral and abdominal fat because my dr said I needed to as I’m apparently high risk for diabetes. I cover myself head to toe - straight legged black trousers, tunic tops or long dresses with long sleeves over trousers to hide my fat. I’ve never owned a bikini. I haven’t worn shorts since I was at school. I don’t even wear sandals in the summer because I feel too exposed and ugly. I stick to trousers and cardigans in the blistering heat becasue I’m so ashamed of myself. I drive myself mad thinking about all the time. I’m single, no man has ever seen me naked, I can’t get changed in front of friends or family or a boyfriend. I can’t date because I’m too ugly. I don’t have social media because I’m too ugly and when I did try it, no one ever liked my pictures - even friends. I know it sounds like I am incredibly vain, but I’m honestly not. I’m disgusted with myself and so are other people. It’s ruining my life and I’ll never have a family.

I have only seen my friends once this year becasue im too ugly to go out in public and I don’t want people to see me. When I went out with them for the only time this year, a man went out of his way to come up to me and make a hurtful comment about me. Of course he is entitled to his opinion but it was just another occasion that reinforced my self hate and confirmed how awful I am to look at.

So...the point of the post. My dad used to say he thought I had BDD becasue I was so over the top and would have panic attacks and run away from things to go home or not leave the house becasue I hate how I look, but I always told him I didn’t and I felt sad that he was trying to use that as an excuse to justify my behaviour and to make me feel better. My therapist made me do a BDD assessment online and it indicated that I do NOT have it, most likely based on the fact that I avoid mirrors. She said people constantly check themselves and I avoid mirrors or reflections. I told her I used to constantly go to the toilet to check when I was in public etc but now I’m so mortified with how I look, I feel SO sick that I can’t physically bring myself to do it. I cry every day when I get up and I have to look in the mirror to get ready for work.

I don’t have BDD and now I don’t know how I’m meant to recover or learn to accept what I look like. My therapist says it’s “just opinions” but these “opinions” are ruining my life. And the fact I don’t have bdd basically implies that I see myself as I factually appear, as I really am. My dad tried to make me take a bdd test before and I refused cuz I said he would look foolish and I’d feel awful when it comes back saying I don’t have it. He knows why I’m going to therapy, I haven’t had the guts to tell him I don’t have bdd becasue I don’t want to put him in that awkward position.

Have you displayed traits of bdd through self hate but don’t actually have it? How did/do you cope with the knowledge that you and everyone else’s opinions at true? xxx
KerouacsGirl
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