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Just wanna put it down somewhere

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Just wanna put it down somewhere

Postby alfy » Wed Nov 27, 2019 9:37 am

i’m 16, year 11, doing GSCEs in five months. i’m pretty much desperate to go to college to study a music course as it’s the only thing i find myself to get excited about but my attendance is terrible and my grades match.
i suffer from MDD, SAD, BDD, and i don’t have any friends at school. the outstanding issue is the dysmorphia though as i think it kinda causes the other ones. and not only does it convince me i’m the ugliest person in the world, it convinces me it actually matters. i’ve dated and proper loved some ugly guys but it’s like if i don’t look perfect i don’t deserve anyone, i think my need to be liked and loved causes me to have such high standards for myself so if i don’t look good enough i just stay inside all day and don’t even revise
it really upsets and stresses out my mum but i still just can’t bring myself to get out the door. i get dressed and ready but i see myself in the mirror and i hide away. i’ve tried just not looking in the mirror but it causes so much anxiety for me.
the dysmorphia is more facial than to do with my body. it’s honestly everything about my face to a certain degree but most prominently i hate my 90 degree square jawline and the way the back of my head doesn’t curve like other people. my nose is pointy and flat and my eyes are too close together and my ears stick out and my mouth is small and i just feel disgusting and there’s just something about my hair that really makes everything worse.
i stay away from facetune and curlers and makeup because i feel like altering my appearance wont make me feel any better but maybe it will. i don’t wanna go onto spending thousands on plastic surgery because i definitely would if i didn’t care about recovery. i don’t actually have any therapy anymore because of funding but i’m trying to counsel myself. i don’t actually know what i’m doing. i wish i could have a teaspoon of self esteem
alfy
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Re: Just wanna put it down somewhere

Postby Silverfairy » Fri Nov 29, 2019 5:30 pm

Hey, sorry to hear you feel that way, ngl I feel pretty much the same. I am a uni student and all I seem to think about is my looks, it’s like i have a fear of ugliness this is taking so much of my time and energy and it is draining but hopefully we can get through this
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