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Relationships with people and my BDD (It's Bad)

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Relationships with people and my BDD (It's Bad)

Postby insecureornah » Thu Nov 07, 2019 3:13 am

I have not written on this forum in a while so I wanted to update my thoughts and feelings on my BDD that I would say has been getting worse in my head but I've come to accept. I'll explain while also keeping it concise and as short as possible.

I'm a 20 year old male that is in his junior year of college at the moment studying computer science. I've had BDD severely since about senior year of high school after my girlfriend cheated on me. Before then I was not confident with my looks but BDD started to form around my jawline and asymmetrical features.

My BDD became unbearable in University to the point where I would look in the mirror for hours. I would also hate to go to social gatherings where I could possibly get my picture taken as well. I was fascinated with why my face looks more attractive in the mirror but I looked horrendous in photos.

My problem lies in my true mirror reflection. I see my uneven jaw, my crooked nose, my chubby cheeks, and my curving mandibular angle (jawline) all the time. All I think about all day is if my tongue is on the roof of my mouth and my analysis of other people and their jawlines. All I can look at first when I meet someone is there facial flaws and the strength of their jaw. I also analyze whether they have their tongue on the roof of their mouth, and their swallowing pattern (which is also the centralization of beauty).

I have a huge problem with forming relationships because I get anxiety around healthy and attractive people. When I know someone can take a photo and look gorgeous (guy or girl), I become anxious even being their friend. I feel as if the unparalleled fashion is unhealthy.

I also have a huge problem when it comes to dating. I always go for super attractive girls and I end up getting with them. Ever since I've had severe BDD I've understood that it was all in my head so I have become more accepting. I know I look hideous but if I can make a girl think I'm attractive using confidence, I will gladly do so. After I get with these attractive girls though I could never end up having sex with them because I just get so embarrassed of myself and I feel like they would regret it after because of how I look.

Being with women that are more attractive than me makes me extremely uncomfortable. I feel as if I'm mixing their unhealthiness with mine. Not to use jargon but it specifically has to do with the palate of the mouth. Mine is considered narrow as my face is long and my jaw is fairly small and unattractive. When I find a women with a large jaw and attractive face that has a wider palate than mine I get anxious. I've become so accepting of my looks but my BDD is still severe. I try to ignore it and tuck it behind my thoughts but it's always there and I can easily fall back into not leaving my house.

It's funny because a lot of people think I'm attractive because of the way my personality is. Our brain has a function where we block the flaws of someone's looks if we are attracted to their personality. It's almost like we're naive to the person's full look. People always say my face is symmetrical but I tried to test their judgements and they would later see my nose and jaw really are crooked.

I think knowing that people aren't fully aware of my looks makes me comfortable. I've read a lot on psychology and the way this specific function works. I exude confidence when talking to people and I know I can get girls but ultimately I'm not happy because I feel out of place.

I also fear being with women because the thought of them liking me at first then later taking a picture with me only to realize how ugly I truly am. I feel like if I had a girlfriend we would always be taking photos together and posting on social media as that is the trend nowadays (which I hate) but I feel like my looks would get worse and worse to someone over time.

I also can't be friends with attractive guys because I feel intimidated. I know they understand I'm not as attractive as them so it makes me anxious. Dating women with a larger palate than mine is also out of the question for me. What's even worse is that if I date average women that I'm comfortable with, I can't accept their narrow palates or unhealthiness. In my eyes beautiful people = healthy. They're skin is always better, their posture is linear, and they have always have nice teeth etc. I just would rather not mix my unhealthiness with their healthiness. It's such an extremely outlandish way of thinking but I can't get it out.

These irrational thoughts are always with me. They never leave me, and I feel like I'm going to be living a life of isolation and being fake confident around everyone I meet for the rest of my life. I'm not afraid of being alone either because I don't want a beautiful woman or average looking woman because I'm simply shallow and insecure.

My problem of also looking at people's faces and being obsessed with jawlines has consumed me. I can never get that diseased thought out of mind and it's almost sickening to me. I wish we lived in a utopian world where we were all good looking to each other and we could decide who to love based on our true matches. I think living in such a shallow world has made me way more shallow than everyone else.

Does anyone have a similar problem or understand me in any form or fashion? I would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks again.
Last edited by lilyfairy on Thu Nov 14, 2019 9:16 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Please do not use ALL CAPS for thread titles
insecureornah
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