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first time speaking about bdd looking for a way out

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first time speaking about bdd looking for a way out

Postby Silverfairy » Sun Jun 30, 2019 3:06 pm

Sorry this is so unstructred pleaseee read all of it this is my first time gettin my thoughts out and i have never spoken to anyone about this ever.I don't know how to deal with this BDD anymore, i've been battling for as long as I can remember and I am desperate to track down the root cause of why this has started so that I can cure myself of it, ever since I was a child I have been concerned with looks, maybe because of the household I grew up in. I was always picked on and laughed at by my family members so ever since I was a young child I have been trying to perfect myself and I always used to say in my head that they are right whats wrong with me why do i have this why does this look like this and so on...even if i did a funny facial expression they will say why did u do that it doesnt look good, i have been called many hurtful names by them and by other people, the issue I struggle with most is ruminating and obessesing over what someone has said to me

I see myself the way others see me, if someone calls me pretty for about 1 hour i will believe that and be soo confident but then it wares off. if someone insults me i will straight away believe that and think how have i not noticed this before and so now i always try to find everything that can be seen as wrong with me befor someone else points it out so that when they do there comment will sting less, but it still hurts just as much because if they point it out it means its not just in my head, i can no longer use the excuse that 'this is bdd its fake its all in ur head' how is that true when someone just pointed out the exact thing that was thinking and obsessing about. People have said some pretty harsh things including my mum, I had to end my friendship with ny best friend because she contributed to this BDD 100%, I feel like the reason i suffger with this is because stupid people can't shutup like shutuppp if you dont have anything nice to say then SHUTUP and when they do comment i dont reply so they will never know how much they hurt me and how much i cry, the comment doesnt just affect that day it will continue to affect me every single day because i will never forget and i will continue replay it until I hate myself, the moment that the comment is said to me it's like my heart sinks, i go blank and then it hits me that this is reality

Every time someone says something hurtful It gets stored in my brain and added to the mountain of insults, and then i remember them almost every day and if i am having fun or studying, the words randomly come to my mind And distract me I wont be able to finish the task and my day is ruined, the worst is before i go out and after i spend a lot of time doing my makeup right before i go out i look in the mirror and repeat all the horrible words to myself again and again and convince myself to stay at home, other times I will on purpose pull ugly faces in the mirror and speak weirdly uhh its so weird i cant explain what comes over me when I do that I almost feel like its not me, does anyone else know what i mean? My bdd is strange because sometimes My confidence overshoots like its rediculous i believe im so pretty and other times i believe im horrific so I have no idea whats happening, its like at two ends of the spectrum all though most of the time i feel awful.

I used to take pictures from ugly angles on purpose its like i try to convince myself that im worthless and unattractive but now I avoid pictures at all costs and At home i look in the mirror wayyy too much however in public i avoid all mirrors and will never look at them.

I don't know how to deal with this so i just try to get boys' attention i have so muchhh more to say but this is too long already, thanks so much if you did read this xx
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Re: first time speaking about bdd looking for a way out

Postby johnking » Tue Jul 09, 2019 6:31 pm

Hi silver fairy i read your post and made an account to reply. I know exactly how you feel, its like some days you feel good about how you look and you want to go out and have fun or whatever, and other days you look in the mirror and feel terrible so you stay inside etc etc. I've been experiencing this for about a year and a half and i'm in my teens. I've never been poked fun at because of how i look but i do get people commenting on a certain feature and it hurts me inside but i don't tell them i'm insecure about it. I've experimented with different things to try and combat this, but with no success. My advice would be to look into subliminal affirmations, they're able to re-program your brain and how it works if you listen to the right audio, consistently. There isn't an audio specifically for body dysmorphic disorder but you could listen to a "improve confidence" or "self acceptance" one.

There seems to be days where I'm very confident about how i look and then the next morning I look in the mirror and see something completely different, its very weird. The key is to not let it control your life. If you feel terrible about how you look don't let it stop you going out you have to face things.

John
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Re: first time speaking about bdd looking for a way out

Postby Silverfairy » Thu Jul 11, 2019 9:05 pm

Thank you very much for the reply and I am glad somebody feels a similar way
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