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Should I become a nun?

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Should I become a nun?

Postby omsk » Sat Nov 03, 2012 6:40 pm

I'm at a crossroads and I need to take action in order to get out of this rut. I feel like I've made a lot of progress, both ~spiritually and emotionally~ but also due to plastic surgery and trying to improve my actual appearance. But it seems like negative thoughts always creep in through the cracks, they never disappear completely.

As a girl, a big part of "looking good" has nothing to do with actual raw material (how your face and body actually look like in themselves) but rather with what you do to improve what you were born with. Makeup, hair dye, hair style, body fat, clothes, skincare, perfume, all that crap. What's important about this, imo, is that you can change your look NOT to fit into an "ideal", but to get closer to the ideal that YOU find attractive. You can dye your hair blonde, wear babydoll dresses, and be girly, or you can dye it black, wear red lipstick, and be a sassy sultry lady. I know I'm phrasing this in a very junvenile and cliche way, but my point is: girls can make themselves attractive by manipulating their appearance very easily. I've seen many, many average-to-fugly girls who look a ton better just by putting some effort into their image. Fact.

Gorgeous girls, who are rare to begin with, are naturally gorgeous. Average girls have the potential to look gorgeous using the aforementioned crap. And what about the hideous girls, such as myself? Pretty simply put: I don't feel like there's anything I can do to improve my appearance, because I'm just going to look like a deformed girl with ridiculous makeup on. I know a lot of girls with BDD use makeup even though they feel ugly, but I can't see how they're not self-conscious. The way I feel about my face, it's almost like I have a huge tumor on it, and I'd be putting on makeup while walking aruond with that huge tumor. Just stupid.

Anyway, I really wish I could wear some makeup and make myself pretty. I want to dress well. I've followed fashion for quite a while, I'm an ~artistic~ kid and I need to "express" myself, but I do this through others mediums, as opposed to decorating my body. The problem, all in all, is lack of confidence. I don't feel confident enough to wear what I want. I always feel like clothes look better on anyone else but me. Same with haircuts, makeup, anything. I just feel like I'm not meant to be seen, and I clam up whenever the spotlight's on me, or when anyone looks at me, period. Whenever I try to make my face a bit more decent by doing my hair or putting on some makeup, it ends in a crying fit of "I'm too ugly to live".

I believe I'm top5 ugliest persons in my city (and it's not a small city haha). I've had people lie and tell me I'm attractive, I've had people tell me there's nothing wrong with me. The truth is I'm far from being "average". I'm hideous, a disfigured monster. So I shouldn't ever try to wear makeup and nice clothes because I'll always look ridiculous, right? Am I actually as hideous as I know I am? If so, then there's no point in me putting effort into my appearance and I should live a quiet, lonely, and peaceful life in a monastery. So my first option, which is the most realistic now, is being a nun.

OPTION 1) I'm going to become a nun

Next, I'm going to assume that I am truly very ugly, but I'll take off the emotional implications. Rationally, I don't mind being ugly all that much. Of course it sucks making a bad impression on job interviews, and having limited options. But the things I value most in people are not physical: I like smart, funny, adventurous, creative individuals. The interior qualities I hold easily make up for my lack of physical attractiveness, if people are receptive to those qualities instead of being shallow. And I don't give a ###$ what shallow people think. In fact, rationally, I shouldn't give a ###$ what anyone thinks about me as long as I do what makes me happy. This means: If I want to wear makeup and nice clothes, I should be able to do it without worrying about what anyone thinks of me. Two options are derived from this, both "reasonable", but one being more extreme than the other.

OPTION 2) Stop giving a ###$ what people think: Ignore appearance-related things, focus on what's truly important
OPTION 3) Stop giving a ###$ what people think: Manipulate my appearance however I want no matter how ugly I am

Both of these options would require a lot of effort. It's not easy to ignore appearance-related $#%^, and "studying" ways to look better is part of my daily routine. Obviously, it's an obsession. As for trying to feel more comfortable around people while I look the way I want, this would require a lot of baby steps to overcome some social anxiety. Option 3 seems much more appealing to me, especially since I know I'm not going to stay young forever and I want to finally be free to do what I want with my appearance while I still can, so I don't regret being an idiot about this later on. I want to be comfortable with myself. I've never been comfortable with myself.

Finally, there's one last realistic option I see, and it's a compromise: put non-physical things that make me happy first, and bring appearance crap in the background. Try to look decent and work with what I have, but stop giving as much of a ###$. The problem is that this seems impossible. It's not fully satisfying on any level. Theoretically, it seems like the best option, but I know it's not possible.

I just needed to write this down to sort my thoughts out. If anyone has actually read this, I'm truly impressed, but I don't expect anyone to. Disclaimer: The nun thing was humor.
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Re: Should I become a nun?

Postby F28 » Sat Nov 03, 2012 10:58 pm

Hi omsk dear!

I was amazed as I read through the whole thing, because I thought I had unknowingly come here, written and posted that myself :D
I am in the exactly same position with the exact same thought and "options". Those options are the ones that exist, and right now I am trying hard on option nr 3: making what I can with what I got, not caring about what others might think. But that is so hard too! All of them are hard. I havent had any plastic surgery done, but of course in my dreams I wish too. And trust me the nun thing is a natural thought, anything to escape this never-ending circle of $#%^!

It is nice to sort your minds out like that, just speak right from your heart, speaking out loud just how ugly and repulsive you feel (even though you know there are much "worse" out there). I find it deliberating in some way to just look at myself in the mirror and tell me how ugly you are!! Ugliest thing I have ever seen!!! Because I know I can take it, plus I know that my inner self holds something beautiful, and that beautiful person is so strong and can take a bit of bullying. ;)

I think that if we can be able to somehow hang in there one more day, then one more day, trying this, trying that..exploring new ways of thinking, maybe a surgery here and there (cant hurt right?), maybe we grow into miraculously managing life as we should.
I doubt that I will ever be FULLY free from this, I believe its in my nature to be a perfectionist regarding my looks. But for now I am just hoping to reach a point in which I dont feel once a week that Id rather be dead. Be good enough to manage to wake up and get the hell out of the house every day.

Have you tried make-up artists to show you how you can best put on makeup for your face type? That can help temporarily until better solutions come. Make-up is what I survive on now. I even sleep with it, because if it turns out good, the next day I can have hope on just do some touching up on it. Its all in the details. :) I feel so normal, yet like such a freak with all my little "strangenesses". :)

I hope you find the best solution that suits you dear. Best of luck!! Many hugs
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Re: Should I become a nun?

Postby omsk » Tue Nov 06, 2012 7:01 am

Thanks for replying, it's strangely reassuring that at least someone feels the same. Just curious, what do you do with your makeup?
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Re: Should I become a nun?

Postby F28 » Tue Nov 06, 2012 6:45 pm

omsk wrote:Thanks for replying, it's strangely reassuring that at least someone feels the same. Just curious, what do you do with your makeup?


I dont do any make-up artist stuff, I just try to reshape, or enhance my eyes in the way that I end up looking nice. I Basically use very few things, I never experiment with colours. I use foundation to even up skin, on the eyes i use lighter eye shadow to make my eyes not look too small and deep or tiered. Then my most important ingredient is the eyeliner. That is the one that shapes the eye in the right way. But I do not always manage to make myself look nice, may take hours of trials... I dont use A LOT of eyeliner, its more that I try to find the shape that will benefit my eyes. And then of course, the most important is the eyebrows... if them are not good, nothing else will be good. Ant its not about making an esthetically nice eyebrow, because i could do that easily, I am artistic and can draw well, but what is hard is to finding the shape that will benefit best my face and my eyes. At its hard to make it look natural, impossible, since i have basically not much hair to work with there.
Basically thats what I do, I try to draw my makeup on until I look good. Its all about small little details in the end. We are talking about millimeters. But it makes a huge different in my looks.

I have wanted to go to a make-up artist so that maybe they can teach me how to do a nice make up, but honestly, I do not think their way of putting make-up suits me, because makeup they do is to "enhance your beauty", and I dont think they have anything to enhance, whereas me, when I do my makeup, I RESHAPE what I already have... and as I said, we are talking about millimeters here, minor changes.
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Re: Should I become a nun?

Postby desparatehelpneeded » Fri Nov 09, 2012 7:22 am

For me, i would want to buy a burqa or avoid contact with men.
But avoiding contact with men is hard. So i would want to buy a burqa
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Re: Should I become a nun?

Postby omsk » Tue Nov 13, 2012 9:02 pm

^ You can make your own! Just cut a slit in a garbage bag, and poke a few breathing holes. Voila.
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Re: Should I become a nun?

Postby F28 » Wed Nov 14, 2012 12:43 am

I´m just going to continue with this thread a bit because I think it is funny with the nun and burka stuff. We all try to find solutions for how to escape our face or social interaction which implies letting somebody look at our faces, so I wanted to continue in the same direction and tell you what I myself think about that could be a solution (despite DEATH, which I dont really want as an option), and I often imagine how wonderful and peaceful it would be to live all by myself on an island far away. I would have the necessary to manage there. Nobody would see me, and I would not have to worry about how I looked. There would be no mirrors, and I could wake up in the morning thinking about where to find my daily berries to eat, instead of "where should I start with putting the makeup????"
I would climb the trees and get my coconuts. Catch some fishies and make a fire and eat. Then I´ll have a nap in the sun, petting my (what ever animal i could find there) pet. I´d build a castle made from plats, and I´d take my time with it.

For many years this has been my secret wish. But UNFORTUNATELY :wink: i have a boyfriend which I love so much who is worth more than this wish, so I guess I´m just going to have to stay on civilized land for yet a little while.
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Re: Should I become a nun?

Postby Asto » Wed Nov 14, 2012 1:18 am

Please show me.
I've seen so many people (man and women alike) that were totally confident about the fact that they were ugly and unattractive, when they really were not. As such I don't take people by their words anymore because in general they lack every rational basis measuring themselves.
Becoming a nun is probably the most retarded plan I've ever heard. There is nothing to gain and all to lose; especially in a religious cult that has no regard for desires that beg for fulfillment.
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Re: Should I become a nun?

Postby F28 » Wed Nov 14, 2012 2:29 am

Asto wrote:Please show me.
I've seen so many people (man and women alike) that were totally confident about the fact that they were ugly and unattractive, when they really were not. As such I don't take people by their words anymore because in general they lack every rational basis measuring themselves.
Becoming a nun is probably the most retarded plan I've ever heard. There is nothing to gain and all to lose; especially in a religious cult that has no regard for desires that beg for fulfillment.


Lol, but i think if you read through her whole post you would have seen the sentence in which she was being sarcastic about the nun thing. I think this thread is semi-serious and fun, and we try to see the tragic fun in it all.

The day in which I stop being able to joke about my tragic situation, I am doomed man.
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Re: Should I become a nun?

Postby Asto » Wed Nov 14, 2012 2:38 am

F28 wrote:Lol, but i think if you read through her whole post you would have seen the sentence in which she was being sarcastic about the nun thing.


I read it. Thank you.
I am fully aware of the meaning of sarcasm. If she intended to write a wall of text out of fun for whatever reason, she wouldn't have made it here with a more or less desperate thread title.
Feel free to write whatever you want, but please don't hijack threads if you intend to devalue their relevance.
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