I'm starting to see that I'm obsessive. I've done really well so far by using my obsessive qualities toward quitting, but I think I need to delve deeper if I want to stay quit.
I'm only now exploring this aspect of my personality. It's so entrenched in me, I never thought about it. It's just always been my normal.
But now I'm thinking about my behaviors and trying to get healthy and damned if this revelation hasn't popped up.
You see, I've always looked at every part of my life, every challenge, every social event, every single moment, as having only one of two outcomes. All or nothing. Which is basically, perfection or failure. I've never believed there's anything in between. As you can imagine, I've failed far more than I ever hit perfection and it drove me crazy. I would (and still do) run through my head the previous event, whether it was a night out socializing, work, hobbies, conversations, anything and think of ways I could have been better. EVERY time for EVERY thing. I'm surprised I'm not insane by now. I would constantly wish I could JUST DO IT OVER.
Gambling, particularly slots worked perfectly for a guy like me with that kind of wish. Each spin was another chance to 'get it right'. Only two outcomes, right? Win or lose. For me, it was a little more perverse. Win big (Perfection) or anything else (Failure). I just counted small wins as a loss. And it was the fast repetitive aspect of gambling that I loved. I could try again and again and again until I got it right, no matter how much it cost me.
I also suffer from periodic depression, and believe it or not, gambling fit into that nicely too. In a depression it brought me peace. Out of a depression, well... it brought me depression mostly. But I didn't worry about that because my Perfection or Failure obsession LOVED gambling and it was even more powerful than my depression. And (I can't stress this enough), I got to try again with each spin of the wheel. The more I think of it, the more I'm surprised I EVER stopped.
The sad thing is, a big win wasn't enough. It felt great for maybe 1/2 an hour and then I'd think 'I could have won more' & had to try again. And again. And again.
How do we get to where we are? With our hangups, our quirks, our destructive obsessions? God only knows, but I do know this; I can face all of them and work on myself. I can learn that progress, even in increments, is a victory. I can, while I'm healing, use that obsession to my advantage and set new definitions for 'perfection'. Bring it down a notch to something like personal growth, self-awareness, remaining addiction free, learning more about myself.
I've said it before and I'll say it again - knowledge is power. And honest awareness of myself and my weaknesses (and my strengths, too) is the best goal I could ever set for myself. If I have to be obsessed, at least let me be obsessed with getting mentally healthy. Slowly, I'll re-learn living within a scale of total success, success, partial success, maintaining, failure. And hopefully get to a place where I honestly understand (I don't yet) that even failure is okay if it teaches us something. Life is lived in between the two extremes, not always in one or the other. I actually realize it's going to take me awhile to truly KNOW that in my soul, but at least I'm willing to walk in that direction.
So, that's my latest epiphany in this journey. It's a big one, and it only took me 49 years to get here.
I'm aware that this trip is far more than I anticipated when I started and that actually fills me with hope. You see, if I'm sitting back and discovering who I am, I AM getting healthier. It's quantifiable proof that I'm heading in a good direction. I'm not concentrating on a distraction or symptom only, but on the whole picture now. It's only been a little over 2 months since I quit gambling for good.THEN I thought I just wanted to quit gambling, like that was the whole problem. But now I realize I need to do some self evaluation on my WHOLE life, not just a symptom of it, which is what my gambling addiction is; PART of the problem, not ALL of it. Kind of scary to contemplate, but you know, I really am worth this journey, and I really do want a life I'll be proud to have lived when I look back 49 years from now (I'm shooting for immortality - Perfection or Failure, remember?
), so I'm committing to it.Life is one surprise after another isn't it? Thank God, facing your problems turns those surprises into good possibilities. I was getting a little tired of the bad ones that came when I ran from my problems. I'm an obsessive compulsive, I'm a depressive, I'm a gambling addict. But I'm also a human being. I'm more than the problems that plague me. I can be the solution to those problems if I simply stop berating myself and begin supporting myself in my sincere efforts to get well.
I'm grateful that even in the most screwed up of us, there's a grace that exists that allows us to see ourselves, not only as we are, but as we dream of being. It takes courage to look, but once you do, that frightening mirror you don't want to look at, becomes a magnificent window looking out onto a whole new life that you can't stop looking through. My plan is to reach out and grab that life. I guess I'll start by celebrating my willingness to reach for it. I can eventually celebrate the grabbing it with both hands, when I get there.
Not 'if', but 'when'.
In the meantime, today, as part of my journey, I will not gamble. Never again.