I'm at the end of my 14th day (2nd week!) and I've been thinking. Or maybe wondering really.
Why am I doing better this time? And it suddenly dawned on me that THIS time is the first time I've ever made the decision to quit gambling while I still had money to gamble.
Every other time, it was after I'd blown everything. I felt sick and disgusted with myself. I was panicky because I'd 'done it again'. I wasn't in a space to commit to quitting, I was just beaten down. Of COURSE I could quit for a few days when I had no money, no options for getting anymore, in short, no choice.
The moment I got my hands on some money, I'd gamble and then say, 'I was doing so good, dammit.' But I wasn't doing good. I honestly hadn't even tried. THIS time I"m trying. I'll be honest. When my paycheque came I had already spent a week praying I'd be strong enough not to do the usual. But besides praying, I also mapped out some strategies and options for myself. I hadn't spent the money I had, but my gambling routine always included the 'Payday splurge'. I wasn't sure I'd be able to resist the temptation.
I have news for everyone who's got a similar worry. It's do-able. I did it. I may not have believed that 2 weeks ago, but I believe it now, since it's been 4 days since I was paid and I'm still (happily) not gambling.
One other thing I recognize this go round, is that I can't do things like 'fun' gambling either. It just triggers me, so I stay off ALL gambling sites and games sites with 'gambling for tokens' games. I can play Mahjong or solitaire card games and no triggering, but anything remotely like Keno, or slots and I'm simply an alcoholic drinking wine instead of beer. I know that slips can happen, but I don't use that as an escape clause. I tell myself that if I slip, I have to count myself at day 1 again and go through it all once more. I LIKE having time under my belt. It matters. And I know that I don't start at square one, but right back where I left off. I WANT DESPERATELY to say 'Wow! A whole year!' and I can't do that if I keep starting back at Day 1. That logic helps keep slipping at bay.
I had a really hard day yesterday but I lived through it. Now I'm glad I had it, because I have proof that it's do-able. Next time I can say, 'Meh! You've done this before. And remember, the next day was great.' And today is great. I feel great and alive.
I feel like a grown man again. An adult. A little wiser about how weak any of us can be, and how important it is to recognize that we're not Superman (or Superwoman). We don't need to climb over mountains that are too high, we need to KNOW which ones are worth a climb, which ones are smarter to go around, and which ones in the distance to simply change direction to avoid now.
Am I in the clear? No. Can I still fail? Yes. Can I succeed? HELL YEAH! Will I succeed? That depends on how willing I am to become my own friend and care what happens to me. (So, I think I can safely say, 'HELL YEAH!' again.
)In case anyone missed it, I'm having a great day. I know they won't all be, but the same can be said for when I was gambling, except the 'not greats' far outnumbered the good ones.
I have no intention of going back to that. Wish me luck. Better yet... wish me effort and good strategy (those I can use).