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xcagedsilhouttex
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Lullaby to my Demons
   Fri Dec 07, 2018 8:31 am

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Lullaby to my Demons

Permanent Linkby xcagedsilhouttex on Fri Dec 07, 2018 8:31 am

All my demons,
Lying in my bed
Begging to be noticed
Begging to be fed
Lay me down gently
Turn off the light
Kiss me softly
And I'll hold you tonight
Whisper sweet nothings into my ear
Iterate truths I don't want to hear

Malice, calloused, only a lie
Kiss the girls and make them cry
Chase them through forests fair
"Try out run me if you dare!"

Poppy, Poppy, you're so sweet
Chasing dragons is really neat
Run through my veins until I die
"You're only happy when you're high"

Anna, child with tainted eyes,
You see truth in blatant lies,
Our future together is quite dim
"Only worth it when you're thin."

Mary, Mary, quite contrary
Play with hearts and make them bleed
Do you love them? No, not really.
"Abandon me and I'll concede."

All my demons,
Lying in my bed
Begging to be noticed
Begging to be fed
Lay me down gently
Turn off the light
Kiss me softly
And I'll hold you tonight
Whisper sweet nothings into my ear
Iterate truths I don't want to hear

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1 out of 52 out of 53 out of 54 out of 55 out of 5

Eulogy

Permanent Linkby xcagedsilhouttex on Thu Nov 01, 2018 3:56 am

Last night, as I closed my eyes,
The thought of you haunted me
I had the feeling of being pushed under water
I couldn't breathe
Suffocating
And I know my condition is self imposed
In that you are not the one enforcing this
But it doesn't make it any less difficult

Certain synchronicities have drawn me towards you
You came into my life when I was at a crossroads
In a world where I felt isolated
And you took away that emptiness more effectively than any drug
In a way, that is how I consumed you
But you are worth more to me than that

We are like mirrors to each other
Reversed images but similar in characteristics
The comfort lay not in having similar aspirations
But in emotional (or lack of) understanding
And this will forever be the problem
Because, despite how obvious it is,
We can never call each other out in our nonsense
Our nonsense is the same
We can't hold each other accountable when we are equally as guilty

That being said,
All the things that you feel are wrong
Are the aspects that I love
If I were a man, I would do the same
It never bothered me
I wouldn't have wanted you to change and don't
This all lies on me and my fears

The truth is, even though I really thought I was ready,
I am afraid because I know I will be consumed by you
I am so scared and I dream that you will find where I have hidden and hold me, tell me that everything will be fine
But that's too close to be around you
I can't handle the intensity of your flame
A part of me wants to run as far away as I can

I don't expect you to understand or to even care
But either way, I am sorry.

You probably will never see this.
I am truly a fool.

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Distracting my mind with Q&A questions

Permanent Linkby xcagedsilhouttex on Sun Sep 23, 2018 11:17 pm

1. Are you named after anyone?

My grandmother

2. When was the last time you cried?

I don't recall, maybe once within the last month.

3. Do you have kids? If no, how many do you want?

No kids. Ideally would want two.

4. If you were another person, would you be a friend of yourself?

Not at all

5. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

And irony.

6. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Their eyes

7. What is your eye color?

Blue green

8. Scary movie or happy endings?

Scary movie

9. Favorite smells?

Moringa and Jasmine

10. Do you have any special talents?

I don't consider any of my "talents" special

11. Where were you born?

UK

12. What’s your zodiac sign? Do you believe in it?

Aries. Not really.

13. What are your hobbies?

Writing, walking in nature, painting

14. Do you have any pets?

A doggo. He's a monster.

15. Do you have any siblings?

A few

16. What do you want to be when you grow up?

I am grown up.

17. Who was your first best friend?

My cousin

18. How tall are you?

166cm

19. What is the least favourite thing about yourself?

The way I look.

20. Funniest moment throughout School?

Breaking all the flasks in chemistry.

21. What was your favorite/worst subject in High School?

Favourites were English, Mathematics and History

I didn't have a worst

22. What would your family name you if you had been a boy?

Selwyn

23. What Sports do you play/Have you played?

Ballet, Ju Jitsu, Badminton, Soccer, Basketball, Netball, Hockey... I don't know. A lot.

24. How many Girlfriends/Boyfriends have you had?

I haven't kept count. More than 8?

25. Favorite memory from childhood?

Making perfume from petals

26. How would you describe your fashion sense?

Non existent.

27. 3 things that upset you?

Crowds
People walking slowly in front of me
People who claim to know everything

28. 3 things that make you happy?

Flowers in spring time
Pretty music
New knowledge

29. How is your relationship with parents?

Not great.

30. Are you an extrovert or introvert?

Introvert. INTP.

31. Are you left or right handed?

Right handed

32. Do you consider yourself a good cook?

Yes

33. Does your name have a special meaning?

It means god is my oath

34. If money were no object what would you get for your next birthday?

A new PC

35. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?

I like where I live now. Maybe closer to a forest but the area is fine.

36. What’s your favourite thing to have for breakfast?

Oats

37. What’s your favourite gadget?

My earphones

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Mixed Personality Disorder Traits

Permanent Linkby xcagedsilhouttex on Thu Sep 13, 2018 5:40 am

For the sake of keeping track of my progress in psychotherapy and to share for those who may be interested, I have listed the traits that make up my personality disorder as discussed with my psychiatrists during my diagnosis.

*Note that my diagnosis was based off the ICD-10 model.

F60.1 Schizoid Personality Disorder

• Few, if any, activities provide pleasure
• Emotional coldness, detachment or flattened affectivity
• Excessive preoccupation with fantasy and introspection
• Lack of close friends (or having only one) and of desire for such relationships
(I have only one friend. I do not desire an increase of friends but I do have a desire for romantic partners)
• Marked insensitivity to prevailing social norms and conventions

F60.2 Dissocial Personality Disorder (Antisocial)

• Callous unconcern for the feelings of others
• Gross and persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social norms, rules and obligations
* Presence of Conduct Disorder in adolescence

F60.31 Borderline Type Personality Disorder

• Disturbances in and uncertainty about self-image, aims and internal preferences
• Excessive efforts to avoid abandonment

F21 Schizotypal Personality Disorder

• Odd beliefs or magical thinking, influencing behaviour and inconsistent with subcultural norms
• Suspicious or paranoid ideas
• Unusual perceptual experiences including somatosensory (bodily) or other illusions, depersonalisation or derealisation

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