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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/wasp_rainbowarrior/index_sid-3f1d4c5e01b88919a517a16fc2c2ca10_start-5.html |
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| Author: | wasp_rainbowarrior [ Mon Jun 25, 2018 3:04 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | just another bale of hay |
looking through my story, a very relevant part of which is published on this blog, i realize that for the past months i have been the most emotionally stable since i can remember. i haven't had any huge internal conflicts or addictive urges, or any periods of depression or hypomania lately. i'm writing here for the sole reason that i feel it's important to document these moments as well. since about 2 months ago i stopped taking my meds (they made me sleepy and i haven't felt any difference other than that when i stopped taking them). sure, a demon inside me still tells me quite often to go and have horrible sex with men i hate even before i've met them (haven't done that in a while, in fact i've twice interrupted sex i wasn't comfortable with - something completely new for me), and sometimes i begin to feel a sort of excitement similar do hypomania. i can't lie and say i don't love the hypomanic feeling, but to be honest i haven't felt like that for more than some seconds at a time, so i think it's fine. it doesn't mean my life is amazing, as i still feel a little depressed and unmotivated in general, especially when it comes to intellectual activity - something very closely related to my hypomanic experiences when i acquired a lot of knowledge very fast. my relationship with my father has only gotten worse - he won't even look me in the face for some months, allegedly because i really hurt his feelings doing things i had no idea would hurt his feelings and tbh things that he has done to me multiple times and expected me to be comprehensive (as i was). i still struggle with sex addiction, as i said, and sometimes i have a hard time trying not to endlessly scroll through a list of available men dreaming that they'll desire me (i do that sometimes still, although i haven't been getting actually involved with any of them). my life has been pretty good, i have been able to achieve my goals and i'm soon to achieve a goal i've been working hard on for the past few years. although i don't feel so great, that's what life has for me now and i'm learning to accept not feeling great and not needing to do whatever it takes to get a strong emotion. i'm learning to live in this lovely mediocrity. |
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| Author: | wasp_rainbowarrior [ Mon Feb 26, 2018 4:41 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | out of the storm, unharmed |
2 out of 4 hookup apps uninstalled, with their profiles deleted. the other ones in the process of deletion. no harm done: i laid with no one. now for the third day i have felt nothing but disgust when i open the apps and see these faces, torsos, vulgar descriptions of men's preferences, sad descriptions in which one tries to appear the best according to strangers' judgements. i wonder when the line between desire and disgust is traced in my case. i was reading this text about psychoanalysis and realized that my biggest fantasy is castration. maybe getting involved with all of these men is an attempt of being castrated, of denying the very existence of my manhood. maybe that's why these experiences give me no pleasure. |
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| Author: | wasp_rainbowarrior [ Sun Feb 18, 2018 3:01 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | we build buildings |
some time after writing my last entry i've reinstalled some hookup apps... until now i couldn't bring myself to the act of laying with a stranger, though. the facts that i didn't even know these men who were so eager to have sex with me, that i saw them first of all as potential threats, that i could read in their words the same unaware desperation that brough me there in the first place, all of it horrified me. and i also horrified myself when i realized how emotionally dependant i had become of the things these strangers do as soon as a installed the apps. that's what they mean when they say a recovered alcoholic can never even taste alcohol again. we long for our unhappiness. a while ago, after my third masturbation of the day (a monstrous amount for someone who's become used to going weeks without any kind of sexual pleasure), i saw this blog i had when i was a teenager. i knew how to appreciate beauty in a way that i have now lost. i know it's still there, but so much ugliness and disgust has blinded me to all the beauty of the world. i can't contemplate it anymore, except in theory. i wish the wind would take me away like a cherry blossom, but i am so heavy i would just fall down. |
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| Author: | wasp_rainbowarrior [ Thu Feb 15, 2018 1:14 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | a paradoxical stand towards loving |
we ended up meeting again after i traveled to his city after a last-minute decision. i wanted so much to be with him and to feel the way he made me feel... we had 4 days together this time. i did not feel the same way and i don't know what's changed. one thing i can tell is that this time i could smell him. just normal human smell, but last time i couldn't smell anything, almost as if he had no smell, even though he had been smoking all the time. i think i have a strong negative association related to smells. i did feel good as i was around him, i did want to be around him, but sometimes and especially as i paid attention to his smell i was disgusted by him. it did not stop me from liking him and wanting to see him again; i would describe what happened to me as a paradoxical simultaneousness of desire and disgust. it became stronger as our relationship became more sexual and as i started to have intrusive sexual fantasies - i would call them intrusive, given that they often depicted situations in which i would not actually like to be (like public sex and involvement with other men) and that i had to constantly fight myself not to try and make such fantasies come true. on that time i had forgotten to take my meds - i wonder how related to my daily sexuais anguishes my meds really are and what that means to my mental health (i don't wanna have to be on meds forever to avoid having degrading sex with strangers). anyway, now that i'm back to my normal life i've been pretending i had no negative feelings toward him and that it was much better for me than it actually was. pretending to him, of course. i don't want him to get hurt because of my emotional detours and tbh i really want to keep things working with him, even though it won't be a relationship. i've been dreaming of degrading encounters (not necessarily sexual) with men from my past and i usually get angry or realize the sadness of my situation during the dreams. that's a fairly new theme in my dreams... at the same time i'm having some thought about installing a hookup app again and having meaningless sex. i feel like this moment is decisive, and that if i'm able to not give in now i will acquire a new level of strength. i'm thinking about making it my lent fasting, but at the same time i don't want to compromise and break that promise and i know how weak i am when it comes to sex. overall, i feel that now i'm much more stable than a year ago (i was in a terrible state then, remember?) and i'm beginning to understand what my religion really means about the human misery. i hope i can learn in time what it means to hand my troubles to god and let him work in me through grace. i think my pride keeps me yet too distant from being a good catholic. |
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| Author: | wasp_rainbowarrior [ Tue Jan 23, 2018 2:38 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | i could drink a case of you |
the last days have constituted maybe the happiest time i've had in 2 years or so. i got involved with a man in another town. from the beginning i knew i didn't want to behave like a slut to get his attention. i knew i wanted something more. he came on to me. it was the most romantic kiss i've ever had, as if it were on screen. we were together for 4 days, he kissed me on the third day. so we had only 2 days as lovers together. it was the first time i felt spontaneous around someone i was involved with. i've always had a strong tendency toward acting around lovers. but this time i didn't have to pretend because it was all there. i almost cried when we kissed goodbye, but i had to return to my town. we didn't have sex. we had the opportunity, but i didn't want it and i believe neither did he. i was too sad because of our breaking apart, and all i wanted was to be around him with all the tenderness in the world. i didn't feel repelled by him or by the thought of him at any moment. i couldn't even smell this most disagreeable "human" smell that i always can when i'm around men. i just wanted us to embrace for all eternity. then i left, and ever since i feel like a great deal of happiness has come back to my life, even if tempered with several shades of melancholy. i could tell him how i really felt and i kept seeing his face every time i closed my eyes. a few moment ago i decided to masturbate thinking of our last moments together - now i can see the weirdness in it - and as i began all these emotions came back. not sexual arouseness, but sadness, love, affection, missing him. then i realized that although his figure has been all around my mind, my feelings for him are somehow blocked and i could only access them through sex. after i came once again a stopped being able to access all these delightfully painful sentiments. how much of my sexuality has been determined by the fact that i can't have any emotional closeness with other men except during/by sex? will i ever be able to form non-sexualized connections with my equals? how much of the way i relate to women is also conditioned by that? what would happen with my sexuality, if this sexualized way of feeling were ever dissolved? i see that every new involvement teaches me something new about myself. that tranquilizes me for the moment. i am making progress. for example, i installed hookup apps during my trip (wanted to meet new people) and didn't get any addictive experiences towards them, and eventually realized they had really nothing to offer. i uninstalled them with no struggle at all. but there is still an awful lot of open questions about who i really am and what sex and affection really do/mean to me. the journey towards finding out is not always marvellous as it was this time... |
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