Because I'm sick of people recommending meds I've already tried, I'm going to make a list of everything I've tried to refer to here.

Antipsychotics
Seroquel: did not work for psychosis or anything really, made me sleepy and fat
Geodon: All of the puke. All of the hallucinations. All of the insomnia
Abilify: didn't do anything but make me nauseous
Zyprexa: good as a PRN, doctor won't let me take it regularly for maintenance because of side effects
Clozapine: No professional in my corner of the world is capable of dealing with the registry crap, and I get horrible withdrawals so every month when either the phlebotomist, the pharmacist or my doctor screwed up I have to not sleep and puke and go psychotic and it's not worth it even though it works well when I actually take it. I also got horrendous side effects like a ###$ up heart, constipation, and sleeping over half the day.
Haldol: I blame this drug for making me fail out of college (cognitive side effects). It did stop my psychosis quickly that's for sure
Latuda: Worst drug ever. Akathisia and didn't work
Risperdal: Made my boobs bigger. I don't really know what else it did because I was stable before going on it and I was stable after stopping it.

Mood stabilizers
Lithium: Works at preventing mania/depression, but leaves me flat, thirsty, and peeing every 30 minutes. It doesn't bring me out of mania/depression either.
Lamictal: Did nothing. Also cant take it because I have poison ivy on my body between May and October and I wouldn't notice the dreaded rash
Trileptal: Did nothing
Topamax: Made me dumb, not effective
Gabapentin: Did absolutely nothing. In my mania/mixed state I swallowed a whole bottle at once and it was like nothing happened.
Zonegran: Not effective, didn't eat for 2 days and had to stop
(Note I cannot take Depakote because I am a woman in her breeding years)

Antidepressants
Trazodone/Lexapro/Cymbalta/Effexor: Hi mania
Amoxapine: Also hi mania, but also hi heart problems
Mirtazapine: Good for sleep. I think I only stopped this because I'm so prone to mania and I was put on clozapine and couldn't handle the two in terms of sedation

Benzodiazepines
Klonopin: was told to take it PRN for rage, by the time it kicked it there were already broken windows, broken knuckles, and broken hearts
Ativan: Also told to take it PRN for rage, anxiety, agitation, etc. Doesn't do too much
Temazepam: Took for sleep. Worked two nights, then stopped working

Other
Ambien: Does nothing
Prazosin: stopped nightmares while they were a big problem, but it makes my blood pressure drop too low
Doxepin: Did nothing (had to switch to prazosin because it was assumed after that my not sleeping was from nightmares related to PTSD)

I'm ######6 sick of waking up at 1am and not going back to sleep. I am over this. At first I was like "this sucks, I'm going to get manic and wind up IP again" and then I thought "whatever, I dont even care." Now every time I wake up *TW* I want to go on a killing spree and finish with myself. *End TW* It doesn't help that when I wake up I hear people breathing/snoring.
Doesn't fricken matter if I do some of the most strenuous hiking in New England that day. Doesn't matter if its pitch black, quiet, perfect temperature, otherwise perfect sleeping conditions. Regardless, I will wake up.
I'm considering going back on clozapine, quitting my job, and going on disability just so I can not deal with this. I dont care anymore. I just want to sleep.
Oh, and my nightmares are back so maybe I dont even want to sleep anymore. Maybe Ill stop trying, and, I dont know, get revenge while everyone else is sleeping.

Hiking man, that $#%^ just soothes my soul.

Day after my first big hike in a few months, and I feel so much calmer. Less strung out. I encountered another bear, the second time to my knowledge Ive been close to one. I also have finally accepted I should trade in my car for something with four wheel drive. There's still some snow around here, and above 1500ft a little bit to the North its about 3 feet! I have a feeling we will be needing spikes/snowshoes pretty late into the season this year, which is great because that will keep crowds away for at least a month. There is no feeling like being alone on top of a mountain, sun shining, above the trees, able to see for a hundred miles.

Time to start thinking about the next adventure!

There, I admit it. Am I cured now?

Doctor literally want to take the individuals that have futures and wreck that for their own profit (financially and to satisfy their need to ruin others lives). I should have never sought "help." I went from being bright but having severe insomnia and, likely a result of not sleeping, occasional hallucinations. Of course right away they start me on Seroquel to make me depressed, and then put me on antidepressants to make me manic. I had never been manic or severely depressed before "help." After years of experimenting with psychiatric drugs I feel ruined. Whenever I asked to stop these drugs, I got lectured and doctors would refuse and even add drugs at that point. Of course I would just stop cold turkey myself and have horrible withdrawals (including manic/psychotic episodes I probably would not have had ) and end up back on the drugs anyways. I was trapped and being put on increasing doses of heavy antipsychotics when my problems were the drugs in the first place. At the beginning of this year I said "no more" and had my doctor assist me in tapering off clozapine. He did it way too quick and put me on risperdal/lithium. I tapered off risperdal/lithium myself with no problems, and other than having overflowing amounts of anger and rage about the past few years I've been doing better than ever. I know now to not listen to these "professionals" and to assert myself, not go along with something I know will lead nowhere good.

I unfortunately have to see my GP and psychiatrist this week. Not too concerned with the GP because it's just a physical. I go in and say "I wear my seatbelt, do not do drugs, and eat my veggies," let them put a cuff on my arm, and leave. I am still trying to determine if my psychiatrist is dumb or evil. I'm thinking evil considering last time my insomniac ass saw him he basically said "this med isn't going to help you stay asleep, but might make your nightmares worse. Here's the script." The drug he had me take the previous appointment before for sleep also doubled as an antidepressant and screwed with my moods.

Maybe not all doctors are terrible, but in my experience they're either bumbling idiots or spawns of the devil.

The following incidents would not have happened to me if I had never agreed to drugging myself. Most of my #######5 experiences happened in a hospital because at that point I can't do things myself.

-As a result of drug-induced depression I wound up hospitalized where I went from taking 900mg of Seroquel to nothing, no taper. Those ######6 doctors claimed to be ignorant, but I know they're sick and got some sort of pleasure watching me throw up after every single bite of food, not get a wink of sleep for days, throw trays at "ghosts" that weren't there, etc. After 3 days I was clearly dehydrated and probably malnurished as well. If they wanted to act like they're caring professionals they would have at least given me something for nausea or something for sleep. They also said I was wrong and it was not Seroquel withdrawals because that doesn't happen. Soon after I got a small dose of Seroquel I was able to hold food and water down and sleep. After eating, drinking, not vomitting, and sleeping I felt 100%.

-They also tried to kill me by giving me hypothermia. I was overmedicated but my doctor had convinced me I was depressed so he gave me a class of drugs I have never had a good reaction to--antidepressants. I went into a mixed episode and in the ER was stripped down and injected with a high dose of Haldol. I was then sent home with nothing but my Tshirt and PJ pants in a cab at 5am in February. It is cold in New Hampshire in February, especially when you are wearing nothing but a sweat-soaked Tshirt and some pants. I had no keys and no phone, and most of all I was drugged and didn't know my own name. Normally at 5am everyone would be gone, but due to the chaos the night before my mom went into work late and was still...

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