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Things are better by quietgirl2538 on Thu Jan 17, 2019 10:32 am
They really are. Not mood issues. I'm doing great there. Just mush-like feeling in my head, my brain. And other things.

2 Comments Viewed 40 times
POCD: Worried Sick I have hurt my cousin from my past actions by student102 on Tue Jan 15, 2019 10:39 pm
Before I tell you my story I would like you to know that I have OCD and I have suffered from POCD for years now. It’s sort of a roller coaster sometimes the thoughts are 24/7 and other times they rarely cross my mind. My POCD thoughts and memories are all from my younger years when I was about 10-12 years old.

Growing up I was very very horny often.. I would watch porn and masterbate since the 4th or 5th grade. I was very obsessed with women and picturing them naked. I was also very interested in how a woman’s body felt. I would try to make vaginas out of a bar of soap or clay to expirement. I never knew that some expirementing I would eventually do would lead me down this horrible path of guilt and shame now. I am 21 years old now and I have obviously grown out of my childish behavior years ago but I still have memories that I feel will haunt me forever.

So I was around 10-12 years old when this incident took place. And my female cousin was around 3-5. We were in the pool together and I thought to myself “I wonder what a real vagina feels like.” I do not remember much of what happened since this took place many years ago. My ocd has created false memories around the situation and tried to make me believe the worst has happened but I’m really not sure. The only memory I have is me helping her swim and maybe touching the inside of her leg (maybe her groin) and possibly touching her butt. I remember wanting to touch her vagina to see what it felt like but I was too scared she would notice or I would get in trouble . (Yes, I know.. pathetic that’s the reason I didn’t. I should never have even thought about it. I wish I would have never put myself in the situation ) I don’t remember if I touched her chest, I have no real memory of that. I know I did not touch her vagina because I am positive I would remember that. I never removed any clothing and didn’t even press anything hard, all I remember for sure is I was helping her swim and “accidentally” brushing up. I remember getting some sort of excitement cause I was close to a girls parts. (Note: this was a one time thing. I never did anything similar again) I feel so so horrible for the actions I have done when I was this age. I would NEVER touch or harm a child. Throughout high school this memory haunted me and I got therapy once I found out I had OCD. My therapist helped me a ton and I was taught to accept uncertainty. This has always worked for me, but recently I saw something and it brought all the memories back.
I now worry that she noticed what I was doing and I have scarred her for life. I fear that she may be suicidal all because of me. I fear I have ruined her trust and she looks at me like I am a monster. I know most of this is OCD but I no matter how much I accept uncertainty I can’t get over the fear that she could be sucidal. Or if she committed suicide, I would never know if I was to blame. I am almost 100% sure did not notice what was going on because I did not penetrate or do anything in that manner obviously. I sort of hid my horny pre teen actions with helping her swim. I pray she does not feel violated because I never had bad intentions, I never wanted to hurt her or have any sort of sexual contact, I was just really curious and let my urges get the best of me. My cousin and I see each other on occasion now and she never seems to be angry at me or seem scared of me but my ocd will always try and make it seem like I ruined her forever. During that time in the pool she showed no indication that she even noticed or was uncomfortable. I know reassurance is bad, but it’s hard to live with myself fearing I have ruined her life forever. We get a long fine to this day and we have normal conversations, what would be signs that she remembers and it’s haunted by this thought? I’ve thought about bringing it up and apologizing, but I know in reality there’s a huge chance she didn’t even notice and doesn’t remember, so I don’t think that’s worth the risk. OCD is horrible because...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 28 times
Muslims like myself by fisherwoman on Tue Jan 15, 2019 10:36 am
I am obedient to men. I stay under a man's foot. I take orders from a male. I ignore dominating white women's authoratativeness in their tone. Trying so hard to talk down to me in a goo goo ga ga voice as if I am the big baby and not themselves. Teach me again white women on how to control a male to behave under my muslim foot hahahaha. I am respectful of how intelligent and powerful my Muslim brothers are across the world. I thank them for everything they have given to me and done for me for me to succeed in life. I know that when I feeeel inferior to my brothers, this means I am. I know they are very educated in applied sciences and worked hard labour jobs all their lives. They are very athletic and when they already roasted my intelligence in that way, why would I behave cheeky and flirt by putting powerful educated men under my foot to make them grit their teeth and punch me in my face ? Don't cry next time a guy punches you in the face when you make him mad. We all know your little game . Look at his physique and size and measure his strength and weaknesses against your own ok white women and know your place in this world is above his foot for some reason. You are abusive towards men and you dominate above their foot and you talk down to their powerful mental and physicals all the time as if you are more intelligent than them which by the way is not true. White women seem kind of retarded to myself. They think it is funny to hurt a man's ego. Sheepish and small feeling inside a man. How dare you do that to my brothers and your own brothers too!!!!! Show more tits and ass to control a man with again white women. It really shows you are intelligent to yourself only.

0 Comments Viewed 25 times
Feeling of social insecurity by OMNICELL on Mon Jan 14, 2019 4:27 am
I hate the feeling of insecurity; I have no one; so I have to work at being around others with no home base or family! I came from falsehood; a fabricated family system; a false system create by psychopaths to exploit children; all fake. I was used then thrown away; after the process of being thrown away; I went through the equivalent of foster system; horrible/sad/derangement/death/disfigurement.
So here I am alone; and confused. In order to have relationships, Im suppose to let my guard down. Im working on it.
Im looking at the outside world as something to socially conquer; meaning, I re learn how to sell myself; I mean re learn pro level sales techniques and work at it. really work at it; The goal is; no one has power over me and I dont care what others think of me! And I learn how to open up and not be shy or nervous around other people. I loose my anxiety around others; thats the goal; thats a big gaol.
The problem is all the thoughts and feelings and CPTSD running through my head and body.
The anxiety; and the loss of direction; ive always felt so directionless; after I was thrown away as a chid. OR I should say; I never belonged to anything as a child in the first place. I was born an orphan and didnt know it; but they did; the psychopaths.
The point is; Im now having to learn how to negotiate the outside world. I had to do this before several times with no success; it will be different this time; Im not forced in the houses of these psychopaths here I cant win and Im destroyed and thrown away or thrown out.
I have allot of work ahead of me; the goal it so find or be around the right people. To let go of the hold old pTSD has on me.

0 Comments Viewed 37 times
The strange fear of poverty by OMNICELL on Sun Jan 13, 2019 1:14 pm
I want to get a new guitar and I want to t my teeth fixed. Which ones come first; It will take 5000 grand for 2 root canals. Ive never had root canals done on my teeth; ive lost about 7 of them and had a few more root canals done. I let them pull my teeth. Now I regret it; but what am I suppose to do about it.
I want my new guitar; about a grand. Id rather have new teeth. If their not root candled; I will loose them. Their dead teeth; or infected; Im assuming at this point; my whole mouth is infected.
So; Im buying a new guitar because this is money for the guitar would have gone for my teeth; but my teeth cost to much to fix. Second opinion by another dentist; get them pulled; Their back upper molars and have no matching molars on the bottom; why bother keeping them. Sucks; I wish someone would tell me to keep my teeth and tell me a way to do so.
I checked on prices for implants; 3000 to 6000 grand a tooth. I dont have that kind of money right now. Should I save for a few years for one tooth; maybe; still it ties up all my necessity money for living.
So; Im taking it to God; to the universe!

Ive wanted a new guitar and found one; for a grand.
This is the makings of poverty; when Im pressured between my dreams coming true and taking care of a medical situation or cosmetic situations; teeth.
Obviously; with character and morals; I choose the teeth; but its not that easy; Im in poverty; meaning, a fixed income. I dont have the 600 to 12 thousand dollars to replace the back molars with implant teeth. I dont have the 5000 dollars for the root canals and crowns. Ive got dentist's telling me to loose the teeth based on price; its 2 expensive to keep them; nice world. I know the rest of my upper back teeth are going to go; get infected at some point.
This sucks; its like being between a rock n hard place; so; do I jut buy the guitar.
Ive tried to get help; a grant for my teeth; never heard back from them.

I look back at all the money I could have saved for my teeth; about 10 years worth. It would have been worth it to save it for my teeth. Still; seemed like highway robbery. And I would have had no money to live on.
what does the universe tell me to do.
I hate being in a world where my reality is one of poverty.
My teeth have to be pulled at some point; the back teeth; they have to; that would make it about 9 teeth pulled in the last 6 years.
Buying a guitar in the face of buying new teeth; sickening actually; Im not this stupid; but I dont know what else to do. I feel stuck. Its my morals to save and buy the teeth. Its also my morals to buy the guitar because its part of my dreams. It almost seems like forced corruption against myself. My loosing my values or their watered down because Im in a position that seems I cant win; so whats the use; might as well buy the guitar and deal with the teeth later; but how can I deal with the teeth later; once their pulled; their not growing back.
If I save the money now for later; I wont have enough later for one tooth; thats how it feels; whats the point; and this is the making of poverty. Im trying to work with the universe for a good solution.
The best solution is not to sell myself out; but to stay in touch with my inner being; stay alined with myself.

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