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I'm really sensitive about being with the wrong person by OMNICELL on Sun Feb 17, 2019 8:15 am
I've only loved one person in my life romantically. The rest of the time I've been lost.
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My intimacy was ruined. I'm trying to wake it up beyond the PTSD.
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I have to trust the universe; this is what scares me.
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It scares me to trust the universe. The universe was not there for me as a child.
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I'm scared to trust anyone or anything. Its nerve-wracking to work with the universe.
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Intimacy has to do with meeting the right person.
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Im truly alone; like a house bound animal. I've been through too much trauma.
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Ill keep working with the universe and learn to attract what I want

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getting closer; getting older by OMNICELL on Sat Feb 16, 2019 6:55 pm
I'm 56; Ill be 57 next November 28th. Im not getting younger! it's ok; I ain't gone yet. Still; I've got a lot of work to do. I'm doing OK; really; still only, but things are changing all over the place in my favor. I'm not out n about just yet; not present just yet; I've got that part of self; that dissociative dent; inward smash bash.
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I'm doing better; I have allotted of work ahead of myself; the dissociative disorder stops me from intimacy; so, I'm working on that intimacy. its not easy; hard work.
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Its hard work; its the best way to describe my spiritual success based thinking work; hard work.
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Getting more into it; into work; into what it takes to become a great human doing and not just thinking; and not starting out at the top, but starting out where I'm at; concerning what I've earned; starting out with what I've earned; if I haven't earned anything yet; I can start out praying about it; and getting the universe involved in my life; a universe showing me what the next step is to my prosperity and safety and love and life and everything else.
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As for women; this is the natural next step of someone independent that likes themselves. The biggest problem for me is not recovery; its happening; recovery; the problem is age. Age is not a problem, but an adjustment! Most of the people on this site don't have to worry about or understand this; their 2 young. For me; As I get better; I'm getting older; However, I'm realistically seeing that things could change in my favor in a year. That's not that long. I'm suggesting that in a year I could accomplish what used to take me 1o years. So; we will see.
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The biggest area of growth is goals; getting inline with and up to speed with all my goals; the maturity of goals.
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Are you reading my Mind? by fisherwoman on Sat Feb 16, 2019 8:45 am
my face and body is covered. I am hiding my face and body from everyone. If everyone across the world hid their face and body from each other then how would they interact with each other? Just a question I felt like asking because all of us are hiding our faces and bodies from each other and we don't know what each other looks like underneath. We do not shave our arm pits and leg hairs . We do not wear perfume. No make up and glitter for us. We do not wear jewelry. Simple living conditions. Ask us what it is like? We make love through conversation. That is all we have left. I know I want my partner to love my brain not my face and body.

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Fear and apprehension around women; not confidence by OMNICELL on Thu Feb 14, 2019 6:01 am
I have no confidence around These twisted forms of modern women. I have apprehension and mis trust.
I do trust modern women; I don't trust any women. Nothing! For good reason; Ive been around enough of them; their not all bad; unfortunately, the mis trust Goes deep. I get apprehensive around women. Im not interested in being put down by women for any reason; thats not why I would approach them.
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I like sex with women; but not modern style feminist women; Ill pass. Ill have sex with more traditional women from other countries; meaning, women that are more humble.
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One big problem is simply finding someone I actually like. I would go after someone if I actually liked them. I would not say they are hard to find. Ive never looked. Ive judged the women Im around and left it at that. accepting only the women Im around is not a brilliant strategy; I would have to find other women in other places...
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Do I know what Im looking for; maybe; but I must work with God on this and really look at what Im interested in.... And that is the most important work; knowing what Im wanting... This scares me more then anything. Im afraid of finding women that fit this then getting involved with them; only to run away because I dont match up....
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Its hard to go through the process of finding a good women; its humiliating; and truly good women are out their; but their hiding. Am I up for the hunt! And its can be so destroying when I spend allot of time looking for the right women only to be put down by the ones I find; and start over again. but; thats just the way it is..
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Something has to change within me; something; I have to become a nice person again. Something has to change. Something inside of me or Ill never have anything in life..

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A new season by OMNICELL on Sun Feb 10, 2019 4:19 pm
Im in a new season of my life; and Im attempting to get rid of the old. the old is the child in me running everything because he was neglected and had to take over; but he's not even old enough to use trucks.
There was no reason for me to be destroyed; destroyed when young; no reason for it. And Im trying to come back from what was done to me.
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Im attempting to get my life back so I can live a life; life.
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Im attempting to learn how to live.
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Im asking for help at the places I visit for recovery; I have a lot of pent up anger and hatred and resentments I have to work through in order to stand on my own 2 feet.
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I feel hated and anger; However, I have to face it and deal with it and move on!
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I don't even had a truck; I don't drive; not married, now house, no friends; I have friends; but not deep enough friends; I have nothing; and I want to do something about it; Ive been afraid I will sell out if I do; but thats not the right approach.
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Would I rather be angry on the streets homeless in the snow or be angry and deal with my anger in a new truck. Simple answer.
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So; Im attempting to deal with the massive bulling and manipulation from eery direction when young; the PTSD that still takes me over; I still dissociate; and Im not here; and in these areas; I musts wake up because in these areas are real life; and Im being blocked.
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ITs one day at a time; one minute at a time to stay present and learn to manifest what I want in the present.
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I don't want to be in the present with no hope, repressed anger and hostility with a false smirk on my face called a smile while I do forced labor and have no direction or life; or to be a drifter the rest of my life; Thats not what I want.
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I have a lot of hurt and pain to work through;
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Those years of pain; one is to create a future for themselves; work; career; occupations; all was abandon through anger and rage; no doubt on purpose by the perpetrators who did this to me. I had no defense; I was just a child; not fair. non of it.
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So; I have to work through many things; and get back on my feet; my inner thinking must change, and not be directed by the past pain or focus on the past pain. Im always focusing on what happened to me in the past; this has to stop; this must stop; STOP!
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So; I have a lot of work to let go of my childhood and what I thought was going to be a grand life; it all must come down and I start over again. So; the child in me must become present into the present and focus on whats in front of me and not the past; so much from the past must be worked through. and I must emerge onto the other side with a new life; things and the past worked through.
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So; paths unfolding to do this; How! what direction; Im like an 8 year old who is lost and doesnt no anything about the present. Im looked in the past and the gap between where Im at and the present is to big for me; So; I must work with the universe to imagine a bridge gapping me from then to now.
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Ive done this before; this bridge. Now I must go deeper.

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