Our partner

Blog Stats
9514Total Entries
3829Total Comments
Search Blogs

  • Category
    Blogs
Feed Recent Blog Entries
Next
I guess I have hocd. by Riddhi15 on Sun Apr 21, 2019 5:05 am
guess I am suffering from hocd from 3 months. It started when I watched two girls intimate and was disgusted by it. Then it started coming in my dreams and I was devastated. The thought of being something other than straight caused a lot of anxiety. It made me cry. It still does. I thought I might be cheating on my boyfriend. That makes me sick to my stomach. I always have to reassure myself that I am not a bi or lesbian. I try to provide every logic that I can to my brain to prove myself that I am straight. But it doesn't help. My brain comes up with another doubt everytime. I really want to know who I am who am not. I tried to masturbate on straight sex to check if am aroused or not and turns out it aroused me. But since two days masturbation isn't helping. Whenever I masturbate now, a male changes into female now. I guess I have lost my attraction to men. I always preferred men, I was always attracted to them but now it feels it's all gone. I dont feel any attraction to women too but now their presence causes me anxiety. I avoid every place I can, I try to avoid interaction with my female friends. My thoughts are consuming me so much that I can't even hug my sister and my mother. There is an urge to hold something in my hands since a few days. As if I want to hold woman's breasts but I dont want to. Every time I think of a nice guy now, my brain tells that he doesn't have breasts. This makes me cry even more. If anyone discusses anything about marriage, I think I dont want to end up with another woman. The thought of ending up with a girl makes me suicidal. Initially I felt as if I wanted to kiss my friend and I was disgusted by it and used to reassure myself by self talk. I used to reassure myself by talking to my friends that I am not bisexual or lesbian. But now it's all about breasts. I have started to hate them now. Try to reassure myself but it bounces back with greater force. Now I think I should accept that I am lesbians but I dont want to be. I won't be able to have a relationship with a girl. I dont want one. Please help.

0 Comments Viewed 12 times
Heading into a strange form of adult life by OMNICELL on Sat Apr 20, 2019 11:12 pm
Im 56, and Im slowly heading into the world again of a young 20’s; think Van Life; and I dont mean retirement. I mean; beginning Van Life; about the same emotional age; but Im 56. Im OKe. I earned it. I earned the right; Im attempting to head toward this; what ever this means. its me getting ahead. I have to learn how to manifest what I want.
.
Ive got a problem; the ages from 7 to 13; specifically10- 11-12; and the horror and shock of such things and 13. At age 9; The horror of being thrown away, having no original house or parents anymore. Completely numbed.
.
I see the desolation of that period; I was bullied all the time from every direction. I was in a state of complete shock and trauma. I did not know how to function or act in these new horrible places.
.
And It is way over my head; all that happened to me and all of the loss; the hardcore horror of this; freight and becoming disabled by it.
.
The point is; I dissociate from it now; this part of the past. Im hoping it can be the past and the real me comes through into the present. Its overwhelming for me; what happened to me; and if I cant deal with it now; guess what it was like going through it; I have massive PTSD over it; CPTSD. So, its with me all the time and captures and kid-napps my head.
.
My goal is to work through this section of my time; of the past. I want my mind back; its not mine. I continue to get redirected to age 11 or 12; a time of fear terror fright unknown and ruin. I want past that moment of ruin; I want past it; for It to stop; that personality stopped. I want to go beyond it ito the present and have memories and thoughts in a new life.
.
Im lonely; without the internet; I would have nothing at all; Ive worked on dissociative disorder in strange places as a drifter; never really fitting in anywhere. So; this will be something I take to the universe for help.
.
ITs all very sad. For I am not ending up anything like I dreamed when young; most of my life is about survival. I want control of my choices and my life; now I have to work toward it.

1 Comment Viewed 43 times
Making sense by exul on Sat Apr 20, 2019 10:56 pm
I love when things make sense.

I always, always kept asking myself what was wrong with my mind. Why things that were seemingly so common were so foreign to me, so ugly and so extremely simple that were almost complicated. From when I was in elementary school I did know what it meant to have a crush on someone, for example. But acting on it was something completely out of my reality.

I would try, but a force always pulled me back. I was always alone. Had friends, sort of, but was so volatile that they didn't know what to do with me at some point. I changed too quickly for them. And it was true. The force pulling me back prevented me from living most of my adolescence, and preadolescence. My childhood, I just remember it with me being alone and talking with my imagination. Reading, and being lonely. But it was okay. I never knew what it meant to be lonely, and I still don't know because it is almost too normal for me. The people pulling me back, I still don't know why they do it.
Like I don't know why my inner beliefs are that the world is dangerous, that people can't be trusted, and that I'm evil.
It all seems totally out of the blue, and this is the main reason why I love to dig into my past. It's like time travel. But I never have images, photos, or anything about specific periods of time that I would like to know more about.
Anything could have happened to me, at any time. Nobody was ever attentively watching me. And I wasn't watching myself, as well. I was left to myself, and the people inside my head apparently observed everything for me. I always believed and talked with my angel that tuned out to be the Guardian. While with Nico, I suspect it was that someone, that something, that I always kept near me. It was a toy, then an imaginary friend, then an obsession, and then he became what he is now.

And they were the ones that always held me back. Grown men to just keep me from whatever could distract me from protecting myself. They wanted them all away from us. Or at least, at a distance. Not just to protect me, but us in general. That's why relationships never even began. That's why I always sabotaged every good relationship in my life. That's why I always cut bridges with anyone as soon as possible. And that's why the more people became close to me, the more I treated them like garbage. All my life I always wandered about what love means, why it was so important for other people. I still don't know the answer, but now I know why I ask that question.

It honestly feels so good to realize it all now.

One day maybe this will be over, but right now I'm just content with the fact that they probably are here, and that we live together as a whole. Not an integrated whole, but a system. And giving up on romance seems so easy, now that I know that it's for us. There's nothing wrong with me. My mind has made itself like this because it needed to, and I accept it. I just need to do things for our greater good from now on.

0 Comments Viewed 20 times
changing back by OMNICELL on Sat Apr 20, 2019 11:02 am
When I was a child; I had no one; but didn't know it; I had a house i lived in; a neighborhood and a television set; and I got all of my dreams from the TV. However, the psychopaths were watching; and knew when to pull the plug; I did not know I was living with psychopaths. One of them was controlling he other; thus, I ended up safe from that specific monsters; safe for awhile. She tried many times to cause problems; but I was protected; not because of me; but because the other sociopath was ruling; that would not last long; By the time Im 7, Im beginning to wake up that something is not right. By the time I’m 9; its over. Im over with. Looking back; in first grade their were signs. but I was young to know those signs were heading me toward consequences.
.
I’m now working with the universe to figure out how to come back; back to normal. This means full acceptance of what happened and back living my life again; feeling safe in my own safe spaces.
.
Safe Spaces; what is that? where is it? and with who? Ill attempt to work own this. manifest something; Visualize safe spaces and see who shows up; see what shows up.

0 Comments Viewed 24 times
Life statement by OMNICELL on Thu Apr 18, 2019 11:29 pm
Life statement;
I love knowing I don't have to hold anyone responsible for the way my life unfolds. “ from a well known success coach”.
.
When I say this statement over n over; I begin to see the horror of my past; and where I dissociate; anywhere numerous years of my life; plenty of situations from my beginning in life up to age 18. And several things after; lots of bulling.
.
My limited beliefs are based on the way people controlled me; if they physically controlled me and kept me in one space; I created a belief of resistance by freezing up in one space and not moving; thats how I hated; and getting back at them; not moving. I went through this all the time becoming completely freaked out; and much other things. I was appalled by all of this; especially when Im suppose to be living in a free country. But it was not free for me. I was destroyed here. no freedom for me. nothing.
.
Anyway; when I attempt to move past those moments in the present; I get hit by ghosts in my nervous system; I relive all of it; their faces are in my body and my mind and head; completely taking me over; as if they came into my core area of self.
.
So; I have my work cut out for me. The goal is to move into a freedom space of; I love knowing I don't have to hold anyone responsible for the way my life unfolds. “ from a well known success coach”.
.
I love knowing my life is on my own concerning the movement forward and unfolding of my life. I know how to unfold it; Ive studied it for 5 1/2 years; so I know how. Im beginning the process of taking it more seriously; its not about knowledge; its about work; My work ethic concerning the process to unfold myself; it requires work; meditation and writing new stories of my life. So; I have allot of work to do. And I have to learn how to have a happy narrative regardless of what happens between what I want and when I get it. I cant give up; I dont get to use the old alibis to quit like before. Im into success so quitting is not an option.

0 Comments Viewed 45 times

Who is online

Registered users: AcidProphet, AmirElAchmed, Baidu [Spider], Bing [Bot], birdsong87, Dwelt, easiersaidthandone, Exabot [Bot], fireheart, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, justonemoreperson, lilyfairy, Majestic-12 [Bot], Muninn, SelfSerf, Servicefls, Son, Tyler, vcrpamphlet, xdude