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- January 2019
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POCD: Worried Sick I have hurt my cousin from my past actions

Permanent Linkby student102 on Tue Jan 15, 2019 10:39 pm

Before I tell you my story I would like you to know that I have OCD and I have suffered from POCD for years now. It’s sort of a roller coaster sometimes the thoughts are 24/7 and other times they rarely cross my mind. My POCD thoughts and memories are all from my younger years when I was about 10-12 years old.

Growing up I was very very horny often.. I would watch porn and masterbate since the 4th or 5th grade. I was very obsessed with women and picturing them naked. I was also very interested in how a woman’s body felt. I would try to make vaginas out of a bar of soap or clay to expirement. I never knew that some expirementing I would eventually do would lead me down this horrible path of guilt and shame now. I am 21 years old now and I have obviously grown out of my childish behavior years ago but I still have memories that I feel will haunt me forever.

So I was around 10-12 years old when this incident took place. And my female cousin was around 3-5. We were in the pool together and I thought to myself “I wonder what a real vagina feels like.” I do not remember much of what happened since this took place many years ago. My ocd has created false memories around the situation and tried to make me believe the worst has happened but I’m really not sure. The only memory I have is me helping her swim and maybe touching the inside of her leg (maybe her groin) and possibly touching her butt. I remember wanting to touch her vagina to see what it felt like but I was too scared she would notice or I would get in trouble . (Yes, I know.. pathetic that’s the reason I didn’t. I should never have even thought about it. I wish I would have never put myself in the situation ) I don’t remember if I touched her chest, I have no real memory of that. I know I did not touch her vagina because I am positive I would remember that. I never removed any clothing and didn’t even press anything hard, all I remember for sure is I was helping her swim and “accidentally” brushing up. I remember getting some sort of excitement cause I was close to a girls parts. (Note: this was a one time thing. I never did anything similar again) I feel so so horrible for the actions I have done when I was this age. I would NEVER touch or harm a child. Throughout high school this memory haunted me and I got therapy once I found out I had OCD. My therapist helped me a ton and I was taught to accept uncertainty. This has always worked for me, but recently I saw something and it brought all the memories back.
I now worry that she noticed what I was doing and I have scarred her for life. I fear that she may be suicidal all because of me. I fear I have ruined her trust and she looks at me like I am a monster. I know most of this is OCD but I no matter how much I accept uncertainty I can’t get over the fear that she could be sucidal. Or if she committed suicide, I would never know if I was to blame. I am almost 100% sure did not notice what was going on because I did not penetrate or do anything in that manner obviously. I sort of hid my horny pre teen actions with helping her swim. I pray she does not feel violated because I never had bad intentions, I never wanted to hurt her or have any sort of sexual contact, I was just really curious and let my urges get the best of me. My cousin and I see each other on occasion now and she never seems to be angry at me or seem scared of me but my ocd will always try and make it seem like I ruined her forever. During that time in the pool she showed no indication that she even noticed or was uncomfortable. I know reassurance is bad, but it’s hard to live with myself fearing I have ruined her life forever. We get a long fine to this day and we have normal conversations, what would be signs that she remembers and it’s haunted by this thought? I’ve thought about bringing it up and apologizing, but I know in reality there’s a huge chance she didn’t even notice and doesn’t remember, so I don’t think that’s worth the risk. OCD is horrible because I know she is probably fine and unaffected but I can’t live with the “what if she’s not” that is constantly in my brain. Somebody please let me know if you think she is hurt from this event.

(NOTE: even when I was young and going through puberty I was NEVER attracted to children, I never fantasized about them or anything.. I have no idea why I did what I did, I’ll never know, I just know I was never any sort of pedophile.)

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