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Flu. Again. And stuff. With stuff. by Lanka on Fri Feb 21, 2014 10:29 pm
No idea where I got this this time, but its timed just perfectly to my week long vacation starting today. Yay. While technically my only plan was to take it easy and rest after hectic couple of months, this isn't quite what I had in mind..

Not getting high temperature with flu sort of sucks. According thermometer I'm somewhere within highish range of normal body temp, I think. At least nothing serious yet. And I know my body throws off heat like a walking radiator - figure it'd relate to internal body heat as well.

As for random rambling..

So, missed a good chance to get a hug this week. Bad timing with getting to bar late, and I didn't feel quite bravely drunk enough when I was told there was a girl looking for me. Although looking at how nice flu I've got, it may had caused trouble to someone elses vacation plans..

The little moods and responses I can read from chatting online, she seemed disappointed when I told who the anonymous card was from.. I'm not quite sure why I got so optimistic of it anyway, because it all was supposed to be a joke to a girl I just barely know in our table-top gaming group. A "valentine's" card that resembles playing card from table-top games. Whole: picture (heart, because hey, why not) + name of card ("Good Excuse" because.. just because) + effect of the card ("Imaginary hug." because.. well, even if I don't know her, wouldn't mind hugging her) and last but not least a description of how to discard the card - by trading it for a drink in bar. All meticulously hand drawn, inked&colored. We had a rule that you wouldn't get in the valentine's party without a card, and figured it would be too good opportunity to pass.

As for usual cold, wet rag to one's face I got from this optimistic "someone wants to hug me"-feeling; when I asked about her plans for vacation week, she quite frankly told me she's got a man. *Sigh.* So while I really don't mind making new friends, making new friends you can randomly go hug seems still to be out of reach..

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6 by valiwest on Sun Mar 13, 2016 7:11 am
On a scale of 1-10, I'm at a 6.

I'm feeling numb and it's not a good feeling. On one hand, I can't feel very upset, but on the other, I can't feel happy, either. I'm missing Tabitha. I keep trying to remind myself why I left her, trying to justify my actions.

Still, I should have given her closure.

I officially put in my 2 weeks letter for work. My last day is the 26th of March. I'm hopeful for the 2 jobs I applied to.

It's a bit past midnight, but I'm not tired at all. I took my meds about two hours ago, including my sleeping pills, but it seems they're not working. Might as well browse around the forum some more.

- Vali

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My Blog by TinyPieces on Sat Mar 17, 2012 2:28 pm
Find my Blog here

IT can be triggering!


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Hopeless by picklebrain on Thu Mar 08, 2012 8:52 am
I picture myself as a stick figure, and there is a group of other stick figures not far away. I walk over and immediately jump into discussion with them. One person acknowledges the things I am saying, but only for a moment. The conversation picks up among the other figures and my commentary is ignored. I walk away from the group with my head hanging, and no one notices.

I am extremely lonely, and I always have been. The first six years of my life, all I had was my parents and my grandmother. Kids at school used to make fun of me, and I used to sit in the sandbox alone during recess. My grandmother left when I was seven. My brother was born, then my parents were gone, too. I stopped having a close connection with my parents, and I was bullied at school for the way I looked and how "weird" I was. Even the other "weird" kids thought I was weird. I remained mostly alone without regard to romantic relationships, in which I still felt extremely lonesome, until I got into 10th grade. I made "friends," but quickly realized these people were only using me as a taxi. I exited high school with a sister-figure and one "best friend." That best friend constantly blew me off when I would ask her to hang out with me, yet I was there for her at 2am when she arrived at my home in tears with deep cuts on her arm. My sister-figure walked out of my life last year, and left me a message on Facebook letting me know she had talked about me behind my back during the eight years of our sisterhood. A few months after I started college in 2009 I got into a bad car accident that left me stranded at home. One person came to see me, but it was to bring me food. I've remained somewhat of a hermit since then.

I've spent the last 3 hours crying. I miss my mommy. She walked out on my family on December 18th. I lost my job on December 1st. I have my fiancee here with me now, but I am still insanely lonely. I think part of the reason for my loneliness is because I constantly avoid interaction with others, because I believe I am insignificant, and they don't need to concern themselves with me. But I long for someone to care. I long for a friend that I can count on who won't treat me like dirt and use me. I get jealous when I see people with their friends because I so badly want that, too. But I'm so afraid of people, and I'm so afraid of rejection that I won't even try to make friends. I just can't bring myself to do it. And because of that, I have remained alone. Lonely, depressed, and overwhelmed.

Every little thing in the world worries me. I worry so much that I don't even know how to relax, and I just can't do it. I feel so hopeless. I feel so out of control. I feel as though I carry everyone else's burdens, and I just can't do it anymore. I feel like I am going to crack, but it hasn't happened yet. I just want everything to go away and to have a great life with my girlfriend. I wish I didn't feel like I needed friends. I just want somebody to hold me and make everything better. :(

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Body dysmorphia: Monster compulsions. by margharris on Fri Jul 24, 2015 11:34 pm
It is true that you have to love yourself just as you are and take the risk that that is going to be OK. After all that is what we have to do throughout life as our bodies alter as the years advance. But when you have fragments of stories you create about yourself it becomes very hard to do. Seldom do you put all the story of what you do and why all together. Then you might have to make that judgement call that prompts you to stop. While you remain in a state of disconnect from all that you are, you remain compulsive.
Compulsions seem to start out as some reward that makes you feel better, but without any sense of the need to regulate them. The great feeling doesn’t last but the urge to do the action remains strong. You feel compelled and do whatever it is that the urge requires to just relieve this constant pressure. You become the bird caught in a cage of distress picking out its own feathers.
How do you break these compulsions that trap you in their web of lies. They never make you feel good. You seem to become more addicted to doing them until you are not even aware of doing them.
My son body checks all the time. In the midst of a serious cooking session, he would lift up his tshirt to have a quick look at body hair. A DHT story of how much testosterone he must be making will have followed. A few minutes later, I catch him doing it again. Do I say nothing or make him aware I am noticing him doing it and he should stop? I always run the risk of a blow up. He resents my intrusion more than he resents these urges. Will I be another neck rung today, as he defends his idea that his urges keep the monster at bay. Secretly, he knows he feeds the monster himself but doesn’t know how to stop.
We have mentioned mindfulness many times. Yesterday my son admitted he didn’t know how to do it. We talked about two techniques he could try to develop the skills. The first was to do things in “ slow mo”. Just the act of slow motion will make the things you do more conscious. Most of you will have very heightened anxiety and so are prone to racing thoughts, speech and physical actions. Deliberately moving slowly will have you become present in your true life, now.
The other technique is to do your own commentary. You talk yourself through the day about what you are doing. He tried this one when he went down the street for the daily grocery run. Always a stressful time, he was able to talk to himself about getting out of the car and what he needed to do. This made him more conscious of any body scanning he would have likely done on other people. He actually came home and commented that he had liked doing that. So maybe he will slowly develop something to become mindful of what he is doing rather than acting on automatic pilot.
Three icecreams bought in a day in the middle of winter? A sugar crave that once started is another monster to get back in the box. Haircutting, scissors in hand need their fix. Is it ever going to be OK to let this monster loose? Alcohol? If you have to quit then there is no better time than NOW. You just don’t want the monster of alcoholism and the generational damage that does in your family. Body touching, mirror checking, online browsing for cute celebs. If it feels like an urge that is not health promoting but results in your own negative appraisal or you feeling numb……. Then you are disconnecting from your true self in doing these actions. You are disconnecting from your own ability to judge and therefore manage what you do.
The pleasure principle means you do what benefits you. That instant gratification rather than seeing long term allows you to suspend judgement of what you do. So you defend three ice creams because you aren’t fat now. You defend hair cutting because people like it short. You defend alcohol, it is how you relax and make friends.
So you have to get real with the story you make up to defend whatever is your compulsion you have chosen to do. It is a monster in your life.
Setting your pat...

[ Continued ]

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