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rant by rehtnap on Sun Mar 27, 2016 6:11 pm
its been an interesting time. coming off meds and thinking i knew everything. then opting to go back on the meds to see if i had a chance to alter my life. i felt like everything was down to the medication but as i realized i was suicidal before i went on the meds or saw mental health i think i just have a confused memory of life. all i know now is im ###$ up.im back on my mood stabilizer and the anti psychotic in a hope i can find some happy place. the anti psychotic is intended i believe as a mood liver/anti depressant but i have pushed the dose up to see if i can get closer to it being a psychotic relief. ive also dropped the dose right down as some have suggested at a low dose around 50mg it acts as a good anti depressant.for me id like to be doped up at the antipsycotic level so i cant over think things and have my brain running at a million miles an hour with all the noise that goes with it.when i was on the mental ward i was doped down and i found a level of life i could cope with.i hate the fact i had anger problems mixed in with that, it made me a bad patient. i should still be on the ward sectioned as its the safest place for me. away from that im going back to being a bad person slowly. i have been away from the ward for 7 months and its been hell. days and weeks of just wasting the days away trying to stay alive,going off meds then back on the meds. id love to ramp the meds up to high level as i think then im medicated to a safe level and not dangerous to others. im off my antiandrogen and now back to the saunas with the voice driving me to be bad. days and weeks have dissapeared. now my thoughts are to ditch the meds completely and then im back to how i used to be with the bipolar moods and sex drive and not caring. the last couple of months ive just stayed in bed in a morning to shorten the day and wasted the days away either on drugs or benzos trying to blott out the world. now its time to make a decision as to where to go. i want to bin all the meds and go back hyper and another person. sod mental health i went for help and all they did was screw me up and then let me aggravated them to a point they couldnt cope and dumped me.my head is screwed at the moment i suffer anxiety and panic attacks daily ,some due to the drug use and some as my brain is melting.im battling the voices coming back in my head telling me what to do but i might just give into them and be who i used to be. feel like ive been numbed for too long but i cant be numbed to where i am out of danger im just in limbo. no drive no direction but needing something.i think i wantto go back to the fantasy world they tell me i used to be in as i at least lived even if it was dangerous and illegal. sod the pdoc he bit off more than he could chew and just walked away. sod him ill make sure he learns one day my way. not sure of anything anymore it all seems a blur and i need to get back to hyperdive. live fast and hard like i used to.

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Help! I'm New. by coachdrew on Fri Jul 06, 2012 9:09 pm
Where to start? I am in shock that I'm even here. My wife is a beautiful 43 old mother of 4. We've been married for 23 years and together for 26. About 3 months ago, out of the blue, she started acting strange, wanting to know what I was looking at on the computer. Since then it's escalated to me having an affair (not in the flesh, mind you) and wanting a divorce. Nothing could be further from the truth. It's hard for me to explain this behavior. She has videotaped me sleeping, stalked me when I'm watching TV and accused me of having this relationship somehow with a vitual reality female. I feel like I'm going crazy. I can be sitting in the recliner with no tv or computer and she will say "You're doing it right in front of me". She is very smart, a Registered Nurse, but her explanations belong in the twilight zone. I'm bing very patient even though she said she wanted a divorce today and then changed her mind. She only acts this way when I'm around and never in front of the kids. I've had to sleep in another room because her accusations of cheating keep me up all night. I'm sorry if I'm rambling and there are many other weird behaviors she displays but I don't know where to start. She has been the rock of this family and it's tearing me apart. I know I'm obligated to help her because I love her with all my heart but I'm worried I'll weaken. I can't imagine doing this forever. Please help! Thank You!

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I just need to talk by thisgirlisaingingein on Wed Oct 12, 2011 4:48 am
I'm 15 and I've been bingeing/purging for about three months now, although I've had a negative attitude toward food for much longer. I'm a dancer, and therefore I'm surrounded by girls with amazing abs and are absolutely beautiful. Also, I go to a very competitive school where I have to try like crazy in order to stay at the top of my class. My doctor has always said that I was "perfect" weight, but I don't really think that weight itself is a good indicator because I still have fat on my stomach. I slashed my BMI from 19.5 to 18.0 in the past month, but I still don't notice any difference in the way I look. I study a lot of psychology and I know that I have a distorted perception, but that doesn't change the fact that lately just looking at my stomach in the mirror causes me to feel nauseous.

I used to eat nothing during the day, but I have four sisters, and three of them are younger, so we have a nanny who comes in the morning. She always cooks so I always eat, and I generally don't throw up in the morning. The problem with that is I feel disgusted with myself for hours afterward, and I have to wear bulky sweaters during dance class in the morning so I don't "dance fat." I pretty much never eat lunch during the school week, but during the weekend, my mom makes sure I eat. I usually throw up the lunch. I throw up nearly every dinner.

I would be a lot skinnier than I am, but the problem is, I eat way too much. I usually purge it, but that doesn't get rid of everything. How do I eat regular amounts of everything? An hour ago, we had tacos for dinner. I didn't eat any rice or anything, but I had what probably equaled two cups of ground beef and then almost half a cup of full-fat ice cream. I just couldn't stop! I usually never eat at school, but once, someone had put out some trail mix, and I ate one. Soon, I had gotten about a cup of it and eaten it all, and I couldn't quite throw up all of it because I had to go to class, and by the time class got out, some of it was already digested.

Are there any tricks or something to let me only eat a little bit of food at a time? I drink a ton of water and tea, and I can generally keep myself from starting to eat, but when I'm in a situation where I have to eat (like, with my family), how can I eat a little bit and then make myself stop? I know I shouldn't throw up as much as I do (once I threw up six or seven times a day--I lost count) and I really don't want to make myself sick, but if I just stop purging, I know I will put back on all the weight and probably feel so disgusted I will barely be able to get up in the morning--it's happened before.

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3.5 hours and on ongoing of not knowing by brainslug on Sun Jan 06, 2013 8:34 pm
Well, it is 3.5 hours later since I sent the last message. I don't know. I assume this is rejection, but maybe I shouldn't. I am not feeling too bad about it. I mean, I am proud of myself for trying, and who knows, maybe her phone died or something.

It still isn't even read, so that means she is either ignoring it because she saw the message and doesn't want it to be marked as read(or just hasn't opened it yet) or she just hasn't seen it.

Even though my mind wants to jump to the conclusion that she is mad or something similar and doesn't want to open it or mark it as read, I can realize that that seems a bit unlikely, maybe 50-50 chance.

Still, things happen. People get busy, their phones die. I don't know.

Anyway, I feel exhausted. It feels like I have run really hard or something. There are few time I have felt like this in my life, like real physical exhaustion. Not getting tired of physical movement mentally or muscularly, but like your entire lungs and heart and everything. Maybe there should be a workout for us (or maybe just me), talk to a girl on facebook, that's cardio for the week.

I'm feeling pretty calm right now, though considering. I did take some aniracetam, about 2.7g (4x my normal dose, but I hear the anti-anxiety gets better at higher doses and memory/cognition gets worse maybe), and I think that may kinda be it, but I think I am going to claim the credit for myself. 2/3 missions accomplished, even if the last falls though.

I don't imagine she would leave me hanging, not knowing yes or no. She tends to be very forward, so that would be uncharacteristic of her. Still, I hope she doesn't think she has to protect me or anything. I don't think she would think that, I mean, she has done it before... but not in this way. I would think that if she was going to reject me, she would just kinda say something like "I don't know, I am really busy lately". Unless she thinks I wouldn't get it.... but.... I don't know. I think she would think I would understand it because she has done it before at a time when I was evading being around her and being a real... me. Difficult to explain the actual situation. Difficult to think about this, really. It feels so circular. I don't really know what the answer is, so I feel like there isn't much point in circulating it in my mind, although I am still going to do it to an extent.

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Distraction (trigger) by Marie2010 on Sun Oct 02, 2011 10:33 pm
I need a positive distraction. Its hard to think positive thoughts and reward myself when don't feel like I deserve cheering up. :?

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Cut again. Knew I would. I tried cheering myself up. Picked up some lilies for the apt and bought some chocolate. Didn't work. I've been trying to keep the cuts limited to my ankle, so they can be covered easily. Piling cuts on top of cuts, slicing over scab and scars. But thats not enough today. I want my whole foot to be covered. I expanded to the top of my foot and my toes. Not alot, just three long lines. They bled alot and that helped. Still not enough. :(

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