i have often wondered if part of my problem has to do with my shyness. i ponder whether my actions are to force me to deal with situations i dint want to deal with. i think with the bipolar this has caused difficult times but some of it for the good.the bad bits are worrying as they go beyond normal control and trying to work out the cause is complicated.its easy for me to trip out into false confidence mode,tons of caffeine and im away but its a get out and reality becomes blurred. i dont want that anymore i want to be the real me with no stimulation. maybe you have to get to the point of suicide ect to decide what is important. the last company i worked for was a corporate giant and i hated the corporate ways but one of the directors once told me one of the secrets of success was to have what you need not what you want. for me that translated into sorting the real problems not covering them up with lies. it wasnt the idea he had but it seems to work for me. one of the problems with my bipolar/moods/personality shifts is that i cannot seem to find the middle ground,im either to scared to say anything or im over the top and acting like i know everything. the problem when you go hyper and over confident is you can do anything and every one is no good and just in your way.it would be ok if what you did was rational but you tend to see things through your own eyes only and twist things to suit yourself.
ive often wondered if this was partially to do with having gender issues and not being able to approach them. now ive started and all my docs know im trans gender i feel a bit more relieved. what i dont want is the bipolar to screw it up. please be aware that the term trans gender has a stereotype about it but i am a butch female and im not bending that just to please people. its back to the what you need as apposed to what you want. id be stupid to think i could be a cat walk model and i dont feel that way. just because i am more happy mending my car or looking at steam engines doesnt mean many less female than the next woman. i am stuck with some of the body features and i am not going to try to alter them greatly as it may cause more harm than good. i need the gender surgery then if theres any arguments i have the upper hand as to my gender. you have to be who you are then you can find peace.
So; Its slowly working I think. I have to keep at it. Keep visualizing as if Im Im with her in my imagination; grabbing her hands or shoulders and telling her I love her and God loves her; over n over n over over over...
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I know what the goal is; Its not easy work but its possible. Im going to finish this relationship in my head as if done right and completed. I have no idea what that will entail. I can only guess; I can feel the work that must be done. Its not easy; its about going in deep; really deep and personal. God is behind it. That is the point; God brought this to me now; to work on in the place of some fake women I might date. I thought a real women I could work with; but I could trust no one; so God has brought me this imaginative situation to work on. Actually; God is the first priority. And what God is telling me; all things must become right under God before anything else can happen. I must become right with God from the past; all past things must be straitened out. And when Im aligned with God again then present things will be possible.
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God is straitening me out because I wanted to get married; And this is the way he is straitening me out.
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inconsistency with everything. I pull back from everything; I cut it short and leave; just as I was cut short and forced to leave my childhood. And God is creating the work for me to be extended into a new way of completeness. He is teaching me how to do it in my imagination where its safe.
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Im doing it; All I have To do is practice everyday; just like practicing the guitar.
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I am practicing everyday. And more n more; I get a little bit stronger and I realize Im slowly heading to the wall; that wall that separates me from the rest of the world; because I cant stay behind that wall and love someone; its impossible so the universe will have me get stronger and stronger and stronger until I break through that wall. And that wall represents everything. And Im using this girl from the past at the catalyst to break through; but Im not really using her.
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God loved that girl; my first love and I was suppose to cherish her just as God cherished her... I was suppose to love her the way God loved her. I did at first then I took on the characteristics of the abusers and I started abusing her by not showing up around her anymore and turning her into a victim. I was the abuser; I was inline with the abusers and not God. But I actually went neutral and got out of their completely...
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I was suppose to finish what God started. I was suppose to love that girl completely because by me loving her she would know that God loved her. that was how she could tell. And I fell far short of my position with her...
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So; for me to get better; Ive got to get inline with God and I am or have and I go in the direction of God until God tells me to stop. So; I am to please God and love her again. And I will until I am through. Meaning a completed relationship.. And im on the for front of this. Im slowly going deeper. It hurts and it represents everything I have not gone into depth for.
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Its like this.
If I cant complete a relationship with this girl; what makes me think I can complete a relationship with anything.
If Im not willing to complete a thing that God sent me to complete; why would I think I will completely bigger things at a later date.
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And so God is showing me that the little things and the most important things must be completed; I must am suppose to complete the works God sent me to complete and I did not. So; I being back inline with God and back completing the things I was suppose to complete in the first place. And in doing so; many other smaller issues are being addressed because they are surfacing. I will continue this work until it is completed.
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In the process I am becoming...
[ Continued ]went to work showered a 99 year old lady. god i love her she makes me happy she dose so well for her age. then back home. later i have to pick my husband up from work because he lost his license. it was because some one didnt own up and take responsibility for there own actions because they were on a suspended sentanse so this other person would of gone to jail. we did fight it for 18months but got to expensive and didnt have enough evidense. so that a big bummer at the moment. and befor this he didnt have a record my husband was squeekky clean.so now we got fines and a fence to pay for that he didnt do. so after i pick him up we will go to my dads why were in town. because hes moving out tomorrow he sold up and is moving 300 klm away from me to be closer to my younger siblings and have more custedy. so its a sad week because this house use to me my nans house then when she pased away my dad payed his brother and sister out to keep the house. then his wife took off after having 3 kids and hes had to sell to pay her out but it went ok payed her out and dad had enough to by house out right up were they moved to with nice big pool. just going to miss this house were i grew up its home. so have to pick a few little things up be4 tomorrow. and dad wants me to be there with him when he locks up and hands keys in. so a sad day is coming hope it dosnt set off a deprest mood for the next few day just trying to stay stong and think in my head its not happening.
If you want the a raw superintelligence make a compact supercomputer town connected to the environment with an evolving Turing machine that was reinforced by a hunger for new patterns and efficient pattern understanding.
Wired things can happen here.
To tune super Intelligence you need to make it hungry for better pattern understanding and new pattern generation and for it to try to be wise to complete effectively a task where it dies and the logs are stored.
I was on reddit the other day and I found a guy who is like me. He was 29 straight all his life and suddenly started to find men attractive in some way, and he lost his attraction to women(though it still sort of, kind of existed) He said it made him depressed and that he wanted to kill himself because he couldn't feel the way he used to feel about women(said he cried when he loomed at pictures of women he used to find attractive). The people that responded said that this doesn't sound like a normal change in sexuality, and two people said they thought it could be a hormonal imbalance. I don't know. Whatever I'm going through must be extremely rare if I could only find one guy who is/was in a similar predicament as me. Even he mentioned that he couldn't find people that were going through what he was going through. I dread to see the results of what happened to him. I also found out that he made a few posts on this website as well.