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My Normal Life by justonemoreperson on Mon Apr 02, 2012 11:57 am
The first thing I came to realise, when I was old enough to understand, was that I was not "sick" and that AsPD is not an illness. Having spent a considerable amount of time being bounced from one doctor to another, and from one theory to another, it became quite frustrating to find out that not only was it all unnecessary but also quite unpleasant.
"We might get some results with this" used to leave me feeling concerned, wondering whether it would lead to a dry mouth, itching, hearing sounds that weren't there, nausea, sleeplessness, tiredness, etc this time. I wasn't successfully diagnosed until much later.
Today it reminds me of a joke I once heard about a boy who said he could make his hamster deaf by pulling off its legs. He knew it was deaf as when he yelled at it, it didn't run away scared. The same "results" came from the countless medications and therapies that were applied. Simply not being able to behave a certain way did not mean that I didn't think that way.
Years later it dawned on me that there is nothing wrong with me. I'm not sick, I'm different to most.
When people find out they usually go to google to "find out what I'm like" which is a bit like me going to google and searching for "normal person" and then asking you why you don't like fishing.
For those who do not understand the mind of a psychopath, here are a few things that might help.
Firstly, assume they're a completely different species of being, not just humans with a problem. That way you'll see that within that species there are many different personality types and many different levels of intelligence, likes and dislikes etc.
Secondly, Hannibal Lecteur was a made up character in a book played by, amongst others, Anthony Hopkins.
Thirdly, if you think that we don't behave well in society, I have to tell you that I read the news and you lot are pretty messed up too. Just because you may not have a label doesn't mean you're any better at dealing with the world than me. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that I'm probably better at running this planet than you, as I'm not hindered by irrational emotions and nonsensical beliefs in fairies, santa claus and god.
I'm married (the second time around) and I have two kids. My first wife blames me for the way she is today, but interestingly this happened after she knew what my label was. Before this she was just screwed up, but it was much easier to give up responsibility for herself and blame me once I had, in her mind, a label. My second wife knows about my condition and is supportive (although she gets frustrated at times). I made sure she knew this as soon as possible to avoid the same nonsense happening twice.
I have three friends who know of my condition, and they ask many questions. The most common question is "How do we know you have genuine feelings for us?" and of course the answer is "You don't. I want you around as I enjoy your company and so it makes sense for me to want you to stay fit and healthy." It's not rocket science.
Could I kill someone? Yes, of course but again, take a look at the news and you'll see it's not an activity reserved for those with AsPD. The difference is that I wouldn't really care afterwards, whereas you'd probably feel like crap for some time.
I have no interest in telling the rest of my family and friends. My mother knew and it constantly bothered her, but she died recently and so that problem went away. Most of my family realise that something is different, but nothing specific.
My life is quite frustrating, and being in groups of people can be exhausting as I constantly have to think about my behaviour and actions. Mostly it's my choice of phrasing. A recent example: We met some friends for a drink one evening as planned, but were late. I turned up and said "Sorry we're late, my mother died this afternoon and it took ages to get stuff sorted at the hospital." Fortunately, my wife was with...

[ Continued ]

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Summary of who we are by Johnny-Jack on Fri Dec 30, 2016 5:38 pm
Because of childhood abuse from infancy at the hands of both parents and others, I was unable to develop a single cohesive identity. Instead, my young mind coped by developing multiple ego states or identities, leading to a condition known as dissociative identity disorder.

Here are our alters and shortened descriptions we’ve recorded to keep track of them and of changes in our system. Numbers following the # are the order in which we became aware of each of us, out of a total of 54 as of 12/30/2016.

*** INFANTS AND TODDLERS (age 0-2) ***

Adam 8 months, #5. The core or original; drowned, choked, smothered by mother; much healed due to time in body, usually at bedtime; loves wolfie plush toy

Zeb 1, #22. Sweet, giggly; has positive response to nice physical touching; came due to weird SA by father

Clark 1, #36. Strong fear of knives and hands being held down or trapped; when triggered, makes continuous clicking sound and holds hands up to face

Edward 1½, #17. Little knight holding mission to be good, not bad like the bad people (parents); our moral compass; not frightened of dark or drawn to stuffed animals like other littles but more like other littles over time; loves brightly colored things

Henry 2, #23. Boy used to being lost in public, deserted by careless mother; loves dogs; doesn’t panic when lost

Ashár 2, #8. Wolfdog enduring ritualized torture for being male from DID mother's animal alter; feral, can't speak, made weird creeking sounds; originally only crawled; once highly triggered by anything rope-like being draped over body; ended abuse by biting mother’s hand; loves blue spongy car toy to orient to having hands

*** LITTLES (ages 3-7) ***

Little John 3, #2. Stayed quiet and out of everyone’s way; unnoticed = safe; adamant about not wanting or needing anything; more assertive nowadays; due to being awake for decades, he grasps some things beyond his age; gives us the ability to go without and be okay with that; loves puzzles

Max 3½, #16. Spunky, though originally frozen and terrified; much time out so quite healed; ability to see what alters look like inside; loves toys for little boys his age

Pip 3⅞, #33. Untraumatized; imagined/planned running away from home; looks for escape routes

Scott 4, #54. Kept us in one place when separated from mother, who often switched and wandered away in public; likes butterscotch; may keep us stationary, unchanging, when trouble arises, which has advantages and disadvantages

Casper 4, #32. Ghost of a dead boy; took mother’s physical abuse in his bed after rest of family asleep; tends to keep us awake if anyone in home felt to be unsafe

Raisin Annie 4, #37. Originally we felt there were no females in our system, but if there were, she would be stuck in another dimension, a parallel world; name corrupts “raising Annie,” as in rescuing her; knew her name years ago but thought she was a family myth, not part of our system; likes princesses and such

Wats (Watson) 4, #48. Sweet kid locked in a box in basement by mother; came same time as Ulric; self-assigned mission is figuring out how to escacpe

Hansel 4, #10. Bubbly, supportive twin who helps Johann feel better, adventuresome, fun-loving, quite mischievous

Johann 4, #11. Somber twin, adventuresome but more responsible and serious than Hansel.

Both twins have spent so much time in body, they’ve healed, which helps other littles near their age; arose from same abuse as Quato

Inky 5, #21. Originally terrified of any moving vehicle since mother tried to lure, push him into traffic; a bit immature for his age; stumbles in his speech sometimes; visits frequently

Kent 5, #29. Traumatized by father’s SA in law office; generally sad; highly triggered by legal, official or financial matters or lists

Michael 5½, #30. Originally mute; gentle; SA from mother in ‘the darkness’ of the closet

Caleb 5½, #43. Quiet boy who listens carefully for approach of bad people, causes us to speak quietly; can be hyper-alert for potential danger

Estes ...

[ Continued ]

18 Comments Viewed 58908 times
Rosie Bunny by CrackedGirl on Mon Sep 12, 2011 3:54 pm
Rosie Bunny is fading away. She has a chest infection and the vet wanted to put her down but said she is not suffering so I said no as I want to give antibiotics a chance. She is now not taking anything by mouth and I am trying to syringe it into her mouth but she can't swallow.

Some friends just looked in on her and they agree she is not suffering and that she will fade away soon.

I love her so much. She is 8 and I have had her since she was a little baby, I used to carry her around in my hoodie pocket, she loved that. And we snuggle.

I have been cuddling her and stroking her and making sure she knows she is loved. This is so difficult. In a way I just want it to be over, but I also dont want her put down in case a miracle happens.

I have even thought about cutting but I wont.

I just love her so much and she is my companion.


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Some Stuff About My Life Trigger by CrackedGirl on Thu Dec 01, 2011 7:37 am

I grew up in Nigeria where my parents we missionaries. Two teenagers/young men abused and tortured me and a further man abused me too. I was also physically abused and neglected by my parents who were very busy. I used to have to find my own food and look after my sister even when I was very young. I also had to babysit other kids on the compound I got so hungry that I used to pretend that my lego was food and I was cooking it. I think this might have contributed to my eating issues.

I started self harming when I was about 5. I accidently put fertiliser in my eye and it felt good tho bad and I kept doing it. I also started adding the contents of my chemistry set to my milk and drinking it.

We left there because we got attacked and our house set on fire with us in it. It was a mud house and smoke came up from below like an oven. We managed to get out but it was difficult to breath. I have bad asthma and my therapist thinks this may have something to do with that.

When we got back to the UK one year later my Dad died of melanoma when I was 8. I loved him very much and I held his hand after he had died to say goodbye. Some ppl think that is why I became a Dr tho I am not sure. I think I might have become a Dr because of my Grandpa

I went to boarding school a year later and hated it. I returned to self harming by taking large amounts of paracetamol to try and make myself sick so I did not have to go as you were not allowed to be sad. I dont know how I have a liver left. Except maybe because it made me sick I threw them up.

Because of my asthma I was put on oral steroids and I became Cushingnoid in appearence. So I became very hung up about my weight and stopped eating. This then turned into binge purging. I got followed by a teacher and accused and sent to the school Dr. They told me they were going to tell my Mum half an hour before my English GCSE.

Around this time my moods became unstable and I started acting out too with alcohol and smoking. I also had my first episode of being high where I put on a school concert and organised the whole thing and wanted to invite Princess Diana. I was around 16 at this point. No one noticed.

I carried on struggling with SH by hitting myself, binge purging and also having mood disturbance but I got through my A Levels and got into Med School. There I went off the rails with drugs, alcohol and mood disruption plus unprotected sex. I still managed to do my studiese somehow - I am lucky I remember things easily. I got into a relationship and the guy hit me and used to anally rape me. When we broke up I thought I could not live without him.

I started taking overdoses, and cutting myself and my ED got worse. I saw my GP who referred me to therapy and courtesy of one of the ODs I also ended up under a psych. He did not diagnose me with bipolar despite episodes of obvious mood disturbance and I carried on as I was.

I graduated and started work. I stole some drugs from a ward and overdosed and was found by someone who I knew was going to come to my room as I was sleeping with him. This had started when I was high and by this point I was getting a bit of a reputation.

I was put on the poisons unit I worked on and visited by the clinical director. He told me to go off work and I was referred to the GMC which is where that all started.

For the next few years my mood was up and down including overdosing on an airliner after being high and going to meet some adult missionary kids who had been abused in the States and crashing due to being triggered on the flight home. The airplane had to land and I wound up in an Icelandic hospital and subsequently loony bin.

The GMC were not pleased with this and my case was sent to a hearing. I was discharged but rereferred when I got done for drink driving whilst high and abusing drugs and alcohol.

I became and anaesthetist and ended up working with my ex who hit me and raped me. Between that and everything else I decided to end my life for proper this...

[ Continued ]

14 Comments Viewed 509088 times
After mid-terms by xod_s on Fri Feb 20, 2015 2:18 am
"Emotional" sobrierty--it's something I realize that which is one way to call "relaxing" by.

It shows (maybe) in the last mid-term test I did this afternoon.
It was an intermediate word app class test and tbh I hadn't studied for it the way i would've liked to. My reception and preparation of this week has not been a very good one.

While I practiced an exercise on multi-lining I feel that I "regressed" when I listened to the Chris Nolan Batman trilogy theme before writing the test. I felt like listening to music (i)but "shouldn't",I've been trying to get out of the habit of listening to hying music before a test or class and (ii) I feel like it was "regressive" particularly b/c of how around the turn of last year, I told myself I would like to give up "power fantasy" stuff and as a versatile as story-telling tries to be, superhero stuff usually is like that.

I go to the testing area where I fumble for like ~6 minutes (? :| ) looking for the file needed for the test even though, which I didn't find sooner on the shared (server?) b/c I thought my teacher's last name was something different.

I finally get to doing it and while it's not difficult, I take a bit long,fiddling with things since I'm not too well practiced--I don't really feel like I'd like to talk about whether I had a time extension or not :| --anyhow what makes me personally p.o.'d w/myself is how an easy 1/3 of the test wasn't done since I ran out of time.

">~< Arg..~20 more minutes a bit of text formatting and typing and I wouldn't been fine ! :? .

I "eat emotionally" after having gotten indescive w/whether I'd go straight to the gym after, (I didn't, I ate at an area near it) before deciding to bus home to do something my brother asked,which later on he gave a reason for it not having to be done.

*Then* I bused back up and went to the school gym for a while.

You know before I went to the testing area instead of water,the bottle I had with me was filled up with cranberry juice and I thought to myself " :) Huh. Bright red,sweet cranberry juice before this special occasion. Maybe I'll do better this time", but actually I think water would've been better. Had it been water I would've been occasionely drinking cold sips to quench me before continuing w/the test. This time, I was eager early one to drink a fair portion of it,sweetness rushing through me and I drank it more in fewer instances as time ran out.

This and a few things I've read today make me think-- :| I have *got to* work on my emotional sobriety. I can be expressive and emotionally visceral which is a good thing, but I do it so often I actually have trouble getting other things to motorize me.

I don't drink but if emotions were alcoholic beverages I'd be drinking from while talking, there would be times when it's like I sip wine to perk me up while talking to someone and other times when I'm p.o.'d and basically sloshed,obsessively ranty on some high-end liquer not many ppl are fond of before wiping out. :? Dang,it's handy to think of relaxation among these terms.

Relaxing,being relaxed, having "inner peace", consistent calmness, having not a passivity or indifference but a serenity in my attitude; that's *relaxing*,that's emotional sobriety which I'm not too good at.

Maybe hence,why at times particularly in the past, the psuedo-Stoicism...

[ Continued ]

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