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Finding some healing
   Mon May 26, 2014 9:23 pm

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Finding some healing

Permanent Linkby username2013 on Mon May 26, 2014 9:23 pm

It's been very hard and painful for me lately. I've been going through a lot. But I'm starting to learn to be my own friend and ally.

I was doing some reading last night and it resonated heavily with me. I'm seeing that the abused, neglected and deeply hurt inner child never had a voice and never got to be heard.
I am learning to give my inner child a voice, to listen to him and his needs, to nurture and love him like he should have been.

I think so many people don't realize how damaging it can be to a child to grow up in a home of abuse, neglect, invalidation, and never being allowed to develop your own sense of self and identity, all the while living in a very stale, emotionally barren home environment (except for an overload of negative emotions) where my real needs were never met.

While every personality is different, those basic human needs that children have when they are growing up are universal, and not having any or all of those needs met can affect anyone in a myriad of ways.

So I'm glad I have begun this journey. It's the little breakthroughs and lightbulb moments that make it all worthwhile. For the first time I'm just now starting to get a sense of my own humanness. That while I've done things too, and have negative traits, that does not make me a 'bad' person.

That is something I grew up believing and my whole life I have felt that way. Unworthy, unacceptable, unlovable, not good enough. I experienced heavy rejection from my mother and family and peers during this time in my life. It was an extremely painful period of my life.
It was during this period especially, when I was 10 to 14 years old, that I was alone, I had nobody to turn to. I was in incredible pain and suffering, and began to develop unhealthy ways of dealing with it.

I'm learning self-compassion as well, and to understand that it is not my fault what happened to me, and I only did the best I could at the time to deal with it and to survive.

It is extremely cathartic when I have those moments of realization and things click, and the floodgates open up to a lot of crying and releasing pain. I'm starting to learn how to let myself feel, and let that inner child grieve over that pain and those losses I experienced as a child, while also learning to love and nurture that inner child and learn to forgive myself and be kind to myself.

It's a frustratingly slow process, but I'm just starting to make progress. It makes me want more and I find myself more and more dedicated to my own recovery, and actually wanting it for once.

I'm just starting to get a taste of my real, authentic self hidden underneath all of that pain and maladaptive behavior, and I'm starting to see the beauty in my own humanity and vulnerability and my own existence.

It has its ups and down, and sometimes UPS and DOWNS. Some times it's really hard and I want to give up, but I keep pressing on. It seems like almost every day I want to give up.

It makes it especially hard when I have a lot of childhood trauma as well, as well as trauma from last year. The pain of those experiences are extremely hard to face and I am not ready to right now. But one day I will be.

For the first time I'm starting to see hope in my situation.

I can't explain what this journey is like for me. Unless someone else has gone through it themselves, perhaps they really can't understand.

Having a really good cry and releasing some of that past pain is very restorative. But it's in those moments that I'm starting to learn to love the inner child, and validate him and be kind and forgiving toward him. Something that I never got as a child, and something I have never done myself. Especially last year when I was hating myself so much and into so much self-destructive behavior.

I'm starting to see now that no matter how much attention, nurturance, approval, validation and support I get from others that I have craved so much all of my life, it will never be enough. Not until I can heal those inner hurts and wounds,...

[ Continued ]

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I am not a narcissist (addendum) - final blog post

Permanent Linkby username2013 on Sun Apr 20, 2014 1:51 pm

I wish there were a way to delete blog posts, but I can't so I have to write an addendum instead.

Therapy with my psychologist has been very helpful. It would take too long to explain, but basically, I went through four traumatic events last year, that were very traumatic to my self-esteem.

Two were really bad. One had me near mortification. My psychologist has helped me to see that I decided I couldn't be me any more, and I was trying to be something else. Perhaps someone invincible.

I am no narcissist. But I had so convinced myself of it. It seemed to fit everything. My psychologist said when it comes to trauma and these sorts of things, that it's a subconscious decision, and she was right. I was never aware that I was slowly internalizing this narcissist all powerful self-image.

It would take too long to explain all the details. But basically, all of those months I was in a self-delusion and I didn't know it. I truly believed I was this covert narcissist that emerged.

A lot has been coming out, and I've been slowly getting to know myself again. I have tremendous inner pain, a very damaged inner core, incredibly low self-esteem.

I have a long road to healing.

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Covert narcissism = cognitive dissonance?

Permanent Linkby username2013 on Mon Apr 07, 2014 6:28 am

I find that working with my psychologist is very triggering at times. Which I think is a good thing, because it shows that we are touching upon the issues that need to be addressed.

I have revealed [u]everything[/u] to her. I told her in email that since I have done so, I feel extremely exposed and I feel a lot of shame for showing my face to her again. I don't know why.

The night I woke up, on thanksgiving night, when I came to the truth about myself and my narcissistic qualities fully emerged, it was the most painful experience of my life. Coming to the truth of who I really am as a person, and all of the inner conflicts that I have.

For instance, when I fully "emerged", I felt so inflated and so grandiose and haughty, it was almost limitless. It was very powerful.

All of these years I was a strong believer in god. I believed in his existence and his truth. I am so inflated, I realized that night that I am incapable of submitting to his authority, or any authority. Which caused me a lot of distress, because that basically means that I'm screwed for eternity.
I realized that I never cared about god and I don't. I just want eternal bliss and happiness and escape eternal torment. That is all that I care about.
But basically by not submitting to his authority, I am not saved, and therefore I'm f*cked.

Another conflict and the biggest one, is resolving the conflict between my inflated, grandiose self image and reality. I know they conflict.

When I got to know myself extremely well over those three months that I was emerged, it became clear that my self-image is so rigid and inflexible, and it is impossible for me to let go of it. I cannot see myself as anything but all good, and I can not admit that I am wrong. It is completely impossible.

So how, as a narcissist, with my feelings, that can not be wrong, resolve the conflict with reality that says that my self-image is wrong? But it is absolutely impossible for me to let go of myself, and the thought of doing so, terrifies me.

I have extreme black and white thinking. Very all or nothing thinking. In my mind, there can be only one truth. Which creates a major conflict, and is a threat to my self-image, and my very existence. That is one area that I spent a lot of time validating myself on. That I cannot help the way that I feel, that this disorder is not my fault and I am therefore not at fault.
These feelings are very real and are not fake. It is my sense of self. But I cannot handle opposing views to my self image. It is very threatening.

Just like one of the articles in my sig says, that due to inner conflict and guilt, coverts suppress all awareness of their narcissistic qualities. Just like what happened to me.

Then the last conflict. I don't want to touch upon it that much, because I'm very sensitive. But it's that I basically can't handle being unacceptable to others. Because I have so desperately needed to be validated and confirmed by others nearly my entire life.
The kind of person that I really am, that I cannot deny, would probably be considered unacceptable to most people, and therefore I wouldn't get that validation and confirmation (supply) that I need so much.

It's precisely what happened the night that I woke up. The very first thought out of my mind was that nobody would ever accept me for my true self.

My psychologist asked me, what am I afraid would happen if I never got supply again? I had to think about it for a couple of days before I finally found the answer. I think I am afraid I will stop existing.

When I don't get supply (attention, affirmation, validation, praise, approval, etc), I get severely depressed, feel invisible, unnoticed, unimportant, and feel like I have no existence.

So those conflicts alone cause me a lot of distress.
Last edited by WichitaLineman on Thu Aug 07, 2014 3:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

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My narcissistic mother

Permanent Linkby username2013 on Fri Apr 04, 2014 10:37 pm

I posted this in the forum today, but I felt it was a relevant topic and a good post to post in my blog.
I think that what I said is very true, though I cannot emphatically prove it.

----------------------------------

I haven't talked about this before. While I am not qualified to diagnose anybody, one month after I woke up I started to strongly suspect that my mother, too, is a covert narcissist, and one that is not aware.
She fits all the signs.

I've mentioned the life-long abuse from her, and the childhood physical abuse. But there have been many other things from her, as well.

For one thing, she has never shown me empathy or any attachment. A couple of months ago is a great example. We were in the car and I was telling her about what happened in middle school. The abuse and the trauma I experienced there.
I told her when I had a loaded gun in my mouth three times and nearly pulled the trigger, because it was too much for me to handle.

She just simply said in a regular, matter-of-fact voice, "you're just weak. some people are." Which was extremely invalidating to me.

But that is just one of countless examples.

She attention seeks, always plays the victim and martyr. She always seeks empathy and always complains about her problems.

She blame shifts and denies heavily. She also splits.

She definitely has two faces, her public face and her real face. In public, she is the nicest, most friendlist person you could know. But when her real face comes out, she is incredibly abusive, vindictive. She can be a monster.

She denies everything. If you point out anything about her, she is quick to turn it around on you and accuse you. She often projects.

She has a sense of entitlement. She often treats others like crap and devalues them. Such as waiters in restaurants, or even her doctors, and is always proud of it when she does it.

There is more. But I find it interesting, and given my own personal experiences, I strongly suspect she is a covert that is not aware of herself.

I think it's funny, because she pretends to be this good, god fearing person, and is convinced of it herself. But she never acts like it. She is abusive, she is manipulative, she is a compulsive liar. She frequently uses god's name in vain, lol, which I find highly amusing coming from a "god fearing" person.

She absolutely idolizes my eldest brother. She does anything for him and always happily so. She never complains about it. She talks about him all the time, and it's always in a positive light.

But I'm the scapegoat. She treats me like crap and always has. She frequently invalidates me. Like if I ever ask for her help with anything, she says "but I thought you were a BIG BOY and could take care of yourself?". But she does far more for my eldest brother, and she never complains.
She complains about me and speaks of me negatively all the time to my eldest brother. Whom always supports/validates her.

She frequently tells me how she doesn't think I could ever survive without her. She's asked me to move in with her three times over the last three years. Maybe an attempt at engulfing me, or securing supply? I am not sure.

Growing up, she was very abusive and neglectful. But I was reading an artilce not long ago about narcissistic parents (and it described my mother so well!), that they often raise their children to be supply, to be an extension of themselves.

She was always very controlling, and got more abusive when I got older and started making friends and going out. But at this time she frequently would make me stay home for no reason.

I truly believe that she raised me to be codependant on her and be an extension of herself to give her supply. I was very codependant on her my entire life (which is something I'm working on).

She will always do things to get sympathy/empathy. Like always complaining about her problems, always playing the victim and martyr. She will say things like, "I know, I was just such a terrible...

[ Continued ]

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I hate the mask

Permanent Linkby username2013 on Tue Apr 01, 2014 11:28 am

I was reading an excerpt from a youtube video earlier, someone who wrote a book. In it he describes covert narcissists.
He says,

"Covert narcissists are masters of disguise -- successful actors, humanitarians, politicians, clergy members, and even psychotherapists who are beloved and appreciated, but are secretly selfish, calculating, controlling, angry and vindictive. Covert narcissists create an illusion of selflessness while gaining from their elevated status. Although they share similar basic traits with the overt narcissist, i.e., the need for attention, affirmation, approval and recognition, they are stealthier about hiding their selfish and egocentric motives. Unlike the overt narcissist who parades his narcissism for all to see, the covert narcissist furtively hides his real motives and identity. These narcissists are able to trick others into believing they are honest, altruistic and empathetic individuals. They are successful at pretending to be a more likable version of themselves, knowing that if their true identity was uncovered, they would not be able to maintain the respect, status and prestige that they have so furtively garnered."

I found it very triggering, not because it is true, but because it is the very issue that I have been struggling with since I came to the truth about myself. Keeping the mask off.

I know as a covert, and I have already mentioned the two links that can be read to gain further understanding into the condition, that I wore a mask all of those years. But as one of the article says, that coverts due to inner conflict, shame, feelings of worthlessness and a harsh inner conscience, suppress all awareness of their narcissistic qualities, and it is true. I can personally attest to it.

I was living a facade all of those years and I didn't even know it. I was largely unaware of my actions, nor of the motivations behind them. It was like being on autopilot or being in a coma in a way. I was not in control and I was clearly not who I really was, and I didn't even know it.

The night the mask came off, I realize that it was simply coming to the truth about myself, that allowed me to see through the facade and see myself for who I really am. When that happened, the mask (really a false self) came off, and my narcissistic qualities fully surfaced.

I have said it in my journal and elsewhere, but over those three months that I was awake I got to know myself extremely well. It was a struggle. I realized that I have so many inner conflicts and so many defenses that protect my narcissism.

But since coming to the truth about myself and experiencing my narcissism first hand, I emphatically refuse to put the mask back on. I will not go back to that lie, and it is a lie. Not only a lie to others (which I don't care about), it was a big lie to myself. I was living another persona and had absolutely no idea who I really was. I never "felt" narcissistic (because it was being suppressed).
It was just a delusion. A big lie to myself. I absolutely refuse to go back to that lie.

In my research and my own personal experiences, I have discovered that coverts and overts are nearly identical. In their grandiosity, exploitativeness, entitlement, etc. But the big defining factor between the two, are that coverts hide their true identity due to a fear of not being able to tolerate denials in narcissistic supply, are extremely sensitive to slights and criticism, and because they disavow their entitlement needs. As well as the aforementioned inner conflict, worthlessness, shame, and harsh inner conscience.

Since I woke up it has been an incredible struggle for me to face all of these issues and conflicts, and fighting my defenses to hide myself. I often feel vulnerable and exposed, and it is often difficult for me to discuss these issues with others as a result, but it is getting easier. Those articles are totally correct in what they say and they describe me perfectly.

My biggest struggle has been...

[ Continued ]

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