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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/tmc115/manipulation_b-11360_sid-ba9c93f65079aa42fbb3edfcf4775f32.html |
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| Author: | tmc115 [ Thu Aug 31, 2017 6:16 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | Manipulation |
*I still consider myself mostly AvPD, but I also believe I could have BPD* When I first heard about personality disorders I latched onto Borderline Personality Disorder. I read about how someone with BPD can be misunderstood as being manipulative to others. However the manipulation is just a coping mechanism for getting something they need. Like if a burn victim wasn’t supposed to have any water, but was dying of thirst they would use any tactic they could to get that water. Not because they need to control the actions of those around them, but because they are so thirsty. I can understand how people can think I’m manipulative. When I need to ask for something I’m afraid and embarrassed, so I often smile and look up at them from under my brow when asking someone to do something. This results in them being rather disgusted by me, insulting me, and refusing to listen to me. They think I’m being manipulative when I’m really being apologetic for my request. As a result of my fear of being mislabeled as a manipulator I try to never need another person’s help. I try to always be self-sufficient. It kills me to have to ask someone to show me something because I know they aren’t going to be nice to me. Because I am such a diligent worker and self-sufficient individual I am routinely insulted. They call me ‘Miss Perfect’. They tell me I make everyone else look bad because I work so hard. When I do manage to relax a little I get singled-out. Several times I’ve just been standing around, looking out the window while everyone else was in their little groups chit-chatting. NO WORK was being done by anyone. I decided to stand near the phones in case we got a call. All of a sudden the manager comes out, takes a look at me and yells, “OK! We don’t need to be standing around, waiting for the phones to ring! Find something to do!” Jesus. The only thing different about me was that I wasn’t socializing. I was an easy target. Oh, and by the way, after my manager yelled at us (me) I went back to cleaning. I had hardly stopped cleaning when he yelled as us (me) but anyway I went back to cleaning. And, you know what? Nobody else picked up a broom. Nobody else started working. They went right back to chit-chatting. And, you know what else? The manager joined them, and they stood around, watching me clean the whole place. It wasn’t the first time, and it won’t be the last. I can see how SO thought I was being manipulative when I suggested how we pay for our vacations. It’s not what I say it’s how I say it. I don’t have confidence. I’m apologetic. I’m anticipating a negative response and I just want a quick answer. I can understand how that can seem manipulative to someone who doesn’t understand how debilitating social anxiety can be. When I say, “I’ll pay for the flights and you can pay for the other stuff.” He hears, “I’m giving myself the easy part to make it look like I’m helping, but once we are there I’m going to splurge my ass off and you can’t do anything about it.” I know that’s the way it comes out but what I’m really saying is, “I feel bad that I can’t pay for more, but I’d like to help as much as possible. I don’t know how much this trip will end up costing and I’d really appreciate it if I can pay for my part up front, so I know how to plan my finances.” Suggesting ideas, starting a conversation, and asking for help fall more in the SA category for me. I feel a definite physical response. The pit of my stomach drops, I feel light-headed, I feel like I’m in a tunnel, the sound becomes muted, my heart pounds/palpitates, and I feel nauseous. |
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| Author: | Snaga [ Fri Sep 01, 2017 3:39 pm ] |
I don't feel as if I have debilitating SA, but I get you about hanging back at work. Don't feel as if anyone likes me, and when I do join a cluster doing nothing, I usually feel uncomfortable, as if I'm not wanted. So I'll hang back and do my thang, a lot. I have a rep also for being uptight about work- but I'm just trying to stay out of trouble it's not my fault others decide to half-ass pay attention until something bad happens get in trouble. smh Yeah I get what you mean, not to the extent but yeah. |
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| Author: | tmc115 [ Mon Sep 11, 2017 4:22 pm ] |
To be fair I am rewarded very often for my hard work. In the past I've received many gifts of food, a $20 and a $50 gift certificate for gas, and even 2 weeks of vacation pay that I didn't ask for. |
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