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- December 2020
Becoming More Complete
   Tue Dec 01, 2020 2:05 pm

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Becoming More Complete

Permanent Linkby tmc115 on Tue Dec 01, 2020 2:05 pm

I'm hitting all my goals, and, oddly enough becoming more my grandmother every day. But it doesn't bother me, in fact I'm proud, because I'm finding the wisdom in her way of life more day by day and it makes me appreciate her and love her even more.

After I broke up with SO I was left totally alone. I tried to get him to stay as a roommate, but he wouldn't have it. Looking back I'm glad he refused bc I never wouldv'e made the progress I did if he were with me.

I felt desperately alone and unloved with SO. He had stopped making any attempts at kindness or physical intimacy. All he did was sneer and scoff at me. So he left with few attempts to make any sort of amends.

So many thoughts and feelings raging inside of me and on top of that I now owned my house which I had no one to help me care for it, which was a laugh bc at this point I couldn't take care of myself.

I managed to meet my now best friend who helped me through this difficult time. And after I dealt with the emotional damage done to me by SO. I realized I had an entire storage facility of baggage to unload about my childhood.

But I couldn't truly face my demons bc they refused to hear me. My mom, stepdad, his kids, my half-brothers all blocked me. And the only reason why was bc I was saying very emotional stuff. Trying to tell people about the abuse, the neglect. But no one wanted to help me, they didn't want to hear my cries.

So I learned about myself. I learned how to better interact with people. I learned how to make them WANT to listen to me.

I learned how to not let my fear control me.

I got 3 cats. I gained a roommate. I got a new bf.

And now I'm hosting dinner parties! Yesterday we decorated the house for Christmas, something I haven't been able to do in years, because the task seemed so monumental and there wasn't anyone to decorate for. But we did it! Boxes and boxes were hauled from the attic, items were sorted, seasonal decor was put away, and we got the tree looking SO BEAUTIFUL!!! And on top of everything I also got the attic reorganized (a goal I've wished to accomplish for a few years) AND we made $75 selling some things on sale sites.

Having others around makes doing things so much more bearable and enjoyable. Getting things done isn't a chore, it's something for us to do together. <3 <3 <3

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The Control

Permanent Linkby tmc115 on Tue Nov 24, 2020 1:44 pm

Everything is about control. Either you are giving it up, or you exert control over others.

People influence how important they are by how much control they can get. The more people you control the more powerful you are.

We were all controlled by our parents or peers or loved ones. In ways we don't even understand is controlling.

name is changed "BONNIE!" In that high register of outrage whenever I said something that my mom found offensive. It puts this spike of terror, shame, and guilt through me. All of a sudden my thoughts are, "Oh no! What did I DO? Did I make some mistake? Did I do something embarrassing? Did I hurt someone?"

The constant judgement is a control in and of itself. Because someone who is allowing themselves to constantly be judged is allowing someone to terrorize them.

When I SAID the thing, what was my intention? It wasn't to harm anyone and I don't think I did, so why am I second-guessing myself? Because the controller is telling me to. My opinion to longer matters.

Before I worked on myself everyone would treat me like this. And I thought it was fine. I thought I was being open and allowing other people to critique me was helpful to my development. At work I was constantly being embarrassed and being talked over, my opinions swept aside. They would use that "BONNIE!" and I would turn red and slink away.

Now I know that the ONLY opinion that matters is mine. And I WON'T be embarrassed just because someone tells me I should be. THEY should be embarrassed for terrorizing a lovely, kind, smart, and loyal person such as myself for so long that they deprived the world of my light.

Now when people need something from me they ask me respectfully and they listen to what I have to say. And if you want this for yourself there is no easy or quick way to get it. You better armor up and saddle up with your guns blazing. You make them respect you. You take what you need. Do it clumsily, awkwardly, irritatingly, whatever you have to to get it out. It will get easier over time, but you gotta do it yourself.

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The Breaking or Child-Rearing

Permanent Linkby tmc115 on Sun Nov 22, 2020 1:43 pm

Ageism is an ever-increasingly popular terminology. Discrimination based on someone's age. Usually this is applied to the older population. However, child-psychologists, and cognitive specialists have also brought to our understanding that children are our biggest victims of ageism.

It is still a widely accepted idea that children are dumb. That they need to have every single thing explained to them. But, back when I was a kid the theory was a widely accepted fact: babies are born as blank slates that need filling in.

Our parents LOVED this idea because this meant a baby was something they could program, something that would agree to whatever they said.

It was so hard for me as a child, to ask a question and then watch as I was completely ignored. Why? Why won't they answer me? Why is she smiling at him? I must be doing something embarrassing. No I was asking smart questions that they didn't consider possible for a child. It embarrassed them bc they couldn't respond to me as they would an adult. Kids get "cute, happy" answers. Everything has to be fluffy and magical for kids. If a kid asks something hard it gets ignored. Because kids arent supposed to be grown-up smart. ESPECIALLY GIRL CHILDREN!!!

Please do some research if this is new and it intrigues you, but what I've felt to be true my whole life has now gotten real scientific backing behind it. WE WERE BORN INTELLIGENT.

From the moment of birth and (most likely) further back we have a base-level of intelligence. It's called Emotional Intelligence. A baby knows that it is loved by the smiles. A baby knows that something is bad from gaping mouths and frowns. A baby knows fear from darting eyes and anxious movement. We have a much fuller understanding of the world, our place in it, what is expected of us, and how others perceive us at a much younger age than what we originally thought.

Take a look at young animals. I got 3 sister kittens who will be 2 years old Feb 12th 2021. I watched them grow and develop. I watched 5 week old kittens formulate complicated chase scenarios with fake-outs and deception. I saw 5 week old kittens figure out physics problems. They spoke to me, not with words, but with tones and expressions. And if FIVE WEEK OLD KITTENS can do all that, then what can babies do?

When we were kids the breaking was just part of child-rearing that wasn't taught in books, but was passed on once the kids got old enough to cause a headache. It was routine in almost every house in America to drag a young child in front of a group of adults and scream, argue, force to entertain, humiliate, or abuse the child. There wasn't any defense for us. When the whole family is ganging up it is just normal, there's no help, there is no escape. They make you explain your feelings, they tell you everything is wrong. Not because it is, but because we were children, and children can't know these things. So they broke us into little pieces. We learn to stop fighting. We learn to stop thinking. We learn to stop feeling. We learn to look to the adults to tell us what we should think so we won't be hurt anymore. We learn to be part of the group screaming at the toddler. We aren't bad, we are helping them understand, is what we tell ourselves. We forget how much it hurt, how we never meant any harm when we were young, how we were just trying to understand. We tell ourselves they are deceitful and they need punishment to learn.

Once the child has had their will broken they are now the "perfect" child. A quiet, dopey little ducky that will only do what they know is safe. No more will the parents need to worry about some scary rebellion. No more will there be a worry of looking stupid in front of the child, because the child knows they are the dumb ones and anything that might cause fear, anxiety, frustration, or annoyance could easily be brought back on the child. "DONT YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! DONT YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! DONT BE A SMARTASS!"

It's like...

[ Continued ]

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Everything You Know Is Wrong

Permanent Linkby tmc115 on Wed Nov 18, 2020 2:07 pm

It's 2020 and in this year I have respect, love, and bountiful friendships. I turned it all around and now I'm the kind of person people model themselves after. I hold my head up high, I have dinner parties, and I enjoy talking with my friends.

I'm in a new relationship now with someone who has his own struggles. I've shown him my blogs and his response is, "Wow. You really were a completely different person."

Yes I was.

How did I change it around? I talk to my neighbor who is nearly a shut-in, she wont engage me for long. She tells me she has anxiety, depression, personality disorders, shes on medication. I've been there and it's a cage. All those labels help us feel better about sitting in fear, but it doesnt make people love us. Only facing the fear, being brave, and doing the work that is necessary will change things.

PF was a great place to start and getting some meds did help me organize my thoughts enough to start addressing the real issues. But now I realize there is no such thing as these disorders we talk about endlessly. There is only fear. I've faced my fear and I'm so healthy and strong people rush to do things for me.

My life was nothing but pain, sadness, and humiliation. People treated me like dogshit. Now people treat me like royalty! Why? How? Because I did the work. I stopped not facing my fears. I told them I WAS worthy and I AM an awesome person.

Pain defines us. All the hurt is what we cling to. We point to the slings and arrows and martyr ourselves. In this way we prove to others our inherit goodness. Something bad happened to me feel bad for poor me! If nothing bad happened you wouldn't be interesting. Who goes to see a movie where nothing bad happens? Conflict is our lifeblood. We crave to see someone face a seemingly impossible challenge and rise above it. The pain makes us strong, but only if we choose to face it. Bless your tormentors because they make you interesting.

Know, everyone here, that you might be blessed/cursed with extreme self-awareness. Many people with healthier emotional upbringing are not so self-aware. They do things without real thought of how they are percieved or how they affect others. But, if you were like me, you looked too far into things thinking they understood things the same way you do. People dont all think alike. People dont understand things the same as you. Say what you need to say out loud. Or start small like me and write your blogs, write notes, tell people days after the fact if its still on your mind. People just wanna hear what you hafta say! They wont remember it forever like I used to, like I used to think everyone did. People forget. They let go. They move on. IF you allow them to.

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Amazing Things

Permanent Linkby tmc115 on Thu Aug 02, 2018 12:37 pm

I'm sorry it's been so long.

Since my last blog a lot has happened.

One of my biggest fears materialized: my grandmother passed away.

The story is complicated but I'll summarize that in the end I became the executor and now I live in/own her house.

It's been a great source of pride for me, that I, at 31 years own a house with no mortgage. How many 31 year olds can say that? :wink:

I miss her. I've had several dreams about her. When I first moved in I heard noises that were like people noises moving around in another room, but I was alone. I didn't feel threatened at all though I just listened and thought maybe grandma's ghost was trying to tidy up my mess in the kitchen. lol. Lately I haven't noticed the sounds. We've been taking good care of the house and I think grandma is at peace with letting it go.

We moved in Feb 2018 and ever since it's been one project after another.

Gardening has been extreme (weeding, mulching, planting, fertilizing, pruning, staking, rearranging, landscaping, etc), cleaning, moving, painting, repairing. So much. So much.

I've lost a lot of weight because the combination of meds and being so busy. When gramma died I was 182. Now I'm around 148. 5'7". But I'm extremely athletic and I work out so I have a good deal of muscle tone. In other words, I look healthy, not emaciated.

The Vyvanse was my top pick, but it was too expensive. I ended up switching to Adderall. It works the same, but it's not as helpful with my Bulimia. I don't binge/purge a lot, but more than I did on the Vyvanse.

The Guamfensen? I'm misspelling. I stopped immediately. It was like magic mushrooms. The walls were melting.

I stopped Celexa for a bit. Then I was getting depressed and went back on at half-dosage and that seems to work for me the best.

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