Whenever I interact with someone I am constantly tittering on the verge of falling into some emotional crevasse.
At first I'm hopeful 'Another new person means a whole start opportunity to do this right!'
Then I become unsure, uneasy 'Do they like me? Do they think I'm annoying?'
I allow myself to become hyper-aware, analyzing every syllable, expression, and intonation.
I am overcome with embarrassment, shame, and guilt.
I become pissed at my feelings and hate myself for being this way.
During any given interaction I can only hold eye contact for about 2 seconds at a time. Because if I go for any longer I will be overcome with humiliation and frustration.
It's like I'm constantly pulling myself away from feelings of shame/failure and feelings or frustration/anger. I will feel fine, walk into a conversation and then it's like I'm fighting for my life.
On the plus side I'm getting better at forgiving myself.
