Hello blog,
It's time for an update as I need to just get these thoughts out of me while I'm feeling how I'm currently feeling.
Today I have awakened from my depressive state, and it feels good.
It feels good not to feel depressed anymore however I also feel incredibly irritated.
I have been remembering a lot of horrible stuff that I did not want to think about and it made me incredibly angry. However, I'm feeling much better in myself in general. I no longer feel like I just want to hide away and sleep all day.
Have talked for hours, literally hours, whilst pacing round my living room. Also decided, again, that I'm going to take up a martial art. And have ideas for some art projects.
I go through these kind of phases often and I'm beginning to think that I may actually be bipolar. Specifically bipolar 2.
It seems to make sense. I definitely have major depressive episodes however I also have these episodes where I'm incredibly focused on goals, have lots of ideas, can't stop talking and no longer feel depressed. Energy replaces lethargy. Enthusiasm and motivation replaces that dead, zombie like state. Now, usually when this happens, I don't think anything of it. It's just how I've always been, however, bipolar 2 seems to fit this. I know for sure I must either have major depressive disorder or bipolar 2. And I don't need to be a psychiatrist to say this. It's not hard to see.
I most definitely have experienced many major depressive episodes. Periods of weeks, sometimes months and months, where at the very worst I will not wash, stay in bed and sleep constantly and just feel like a dead zombie who can not go anywhere in public or do basic things like cooking, cleaning, having a shower, washing clothes.
I'll stay in the same clothes for weeks sometimes. Not even realising. It's pretty embarrassing to admit.
Then I will change. I will be ready to achieve my wildest dreams, I will be full of self belief, be very energetic and make LOADS of plans. I have loads of a4 notebooks filled entirely with plans in that I've written over the years. Including life goals and plans to get there, brainstorms for movie ideas, brainstorms for creative projects, poetry, loads of activities I want to do. I rarely get anywhere though. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I'll actually follow through. But mostly I never do. It doesn't last long enough to have a lasting impact on my life as I fall back into depression again and next thing I know weeks and months have gone by again where I've just slept and done absolutely nothing.
I may have experienced full mania without knowing it, however, judging from my past behaviour I'd say what I've experienced when I am 'up' seems to fit much better with hypomania. However, there have been times when I have felt so connected to a divine presence and thought it was my mission to wake up the world. Messaging everyone I know trying to 'wake' them. Writing very long posts on my Facebook.... That I look at now and think... Hmmmm... That just sounds crazy! I even delete them sometimes,weeks or months later when I'm no longer in that mindset as they sound so grandiose and I sound so nuts I find them embarrassing. However, it still doesn't seem like it would be full blown mania. But I don't know enough about mania. And I'm here trying to be all self aware and I know that I am not qualified to diagnose myself.
Even a psychiatrist couldn't diagnose themselves as although they have all the education and knowledge, the illness gets in the way, altering perception etc and no one that is ill can be objective about oneself.
But my perception of full mania is someone who is pretty much full on delusional and out of control. I don't think I've ever got to that stage. I think I've bordered on it at times.
But I won't rule it out completely. Maybe it is. More likely to be hypomania though I believe. Or maybe it isn't. Maybe it is just me and I am just a weird, grandiose, eccentric character at times because I don't know who the...
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