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- August 2018
High Insights
   Fri Aug 31, 2018 3:18 am

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High Insights

Permanent Linkby star dust on Fri Aug 31, 2018 3:18 am

Swim is high right now.
Sometimes when she’s high, she has a lot of insight into things. Her mind goes deep into itself and things start making sense.

So I thought I’d type it here. So I can read it another time.
So I’m just typing this out as it comes from swim.

I just realised, due to everything that has happened to me in the past few years, I hate myself. I didn’t realise until now just how much I am ashamed of myself.
I feel like a truly terrible person.
And the only thing that comforts me from feeling that is the fact that it means that I at least still have a conscience.
I feel kind of exposed writing this even though I am anonymous but I am truly truly ashamed of myself for the past few years. I’m disgusted at myself. The truth is, I must really really hate myself deep down. To do the stuff I did to myself. To behave how I did. Do the things I did.

I am so completely and utterly ashamed. I feel the most enormous guilt the size of which I could not even possibly attempt to describe with words.

It’s horrendous. I am horrendous. I feel that somehow, a demon got inside me. I have behaved in absolutely disgusting ways. I behaved like him. I behaved like a disgusting monster.
The past few years just haven’t gotten straight in my head. I don’t know if they ever will. It feels like a 3 year dream. I went to sleep for 3 years and woke up after a three year long nightmare. And like any dream, it doesn’t all make sense, it’s completely muddled in every way, blurry, periods missing.
I don’t understand any of it. And it terrifies me. It terrifies me that I can behave like that.
It terrifies me that I got so out of control. It terrifies me that I let the things that happen to me happen to me.

It made me realise, what a truly dysfunctional person I am and as much as I want to run from it I can’t.

I have a blackness inside me and I feel I can’t cure it.

I need to get rid of it. All the terror, the pain, the shame, the sadness, guilt and depravity.

I am a really bad person. I need to wake up and change. I have let myself down in such terrible ways.
And no one is going to come and save me. I’ve got to save myself.

Lord I pray this therapist is going to be good. And I pray I get therapy soon, I need it so badly.

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Re: High Insights

Permanent Linkby star dust on Fri Aug 31, 2018 3:31 am

How do you get rid of a demon inside of you :’(
It’s not going to go away :’(
Everything that’s happened to me, it’s all blocked off inside my head :(
It’s there like a monster waiting to attack me :’(
I can’t take ittttttt
I want it to leave me alone...
It’s like a part of my soul inside that is forever being tortured in vile and disgusting evil ways :’(
I need it offfffffff of meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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Re: High Insights

Permanent Linkby Snaga on Sun Sep 02, 2018 3:48 am

Hugs sweetie.

Tell someone you love them today, because Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, because Life is also terrifying and confusing.


We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
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