| Psychology and Mental Health Forum | |
https://www.psychforums.com/blog/seekingclarity2day/index.html |
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| Author: | seekingclarity2day [ Tue Jan 14, 2014 4:45 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | Blackness |
Today was a rough day... It is hard enough on days when I fall into the "blackness" to act "Normal" at work, but today we had to lay a bunch of people off. Luckily, none of them reported to me. But these were still people I worked with everyday, who came to me for advice and to vent. Who were honestly getting the short end of the stick because they got stick with crappy managers. So I need to recharge, but my old ways of recharging are/were "unhealthy" and not good for the relationship, so now I feel... lost... I need to find another way.. a better way... I know I'm out of sorts.. Im just not sure how to fix it. and the blackness is still there.. like a blanket.. or a long lost friend, that you missed, but now has overstayed their welcome. |
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| Author: | seekingclarity2day [ Thu Jan 09, 2014 5:13 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | People Watching |
I watch people sometimes... Whether I'm at the store, or a restaurant, or when I took my daughter back to the airport after the Christmas break. I try and see inside their heads, and wonder are all these people as broken and damaged as I am? Is it just that, everyone is broken, and therefore we are all normal. The man arguing with with the Starbucks Barista, is he just a narcissist. The lday crying by herself, is she bipolar? Or did her boyfriend just break up with her. Does the guy behind me have aspergers because my GOD will he not shut up about guns to the poor little old lady who I think may strangle him! But I've known "normal" people. People that for all intents and purposes have had normal parents. And lived normal lives. Sure they hit rough patches. But they weren't... broken... They didn't have this big, deep dark hole that sometimes hides but then sometimes threatens to swallow you hole. and it seems to suck every ounce of emotion into it, till all your left with is the illusion. The illusion of caring and loving. Everything is an act... and that takes so much effort. you end up... exhausted by the end of the day.. Which just lets that hole grow a little bit bigger. Then you do something... You snap.. Yell at work, what the !@#!@#@!# is wrong with you.. All eyes turn to me... He doesn't say stuff like that... He doesn't *yell* a whisper..... Why can't I yell? Why do I always have to have a smile on my face? it exhausts me to be what YOU want me to be... sometimes I just want to have a #######5 day and act like a grouch and be left the hell alone. and then the next day be sorry like any other person.. But I can't do that can I?.. because what if its not just a grouch moment.. What if its the volcano that explodes... What if I really tell my Boss what I feel.. What If I really tell my employees how exhausting it is telling them the same things over and over and by now they should really really have gotten the hang of this by now.... What I really want to do right now is listen to depressing music... maybe some Cure or Mazzy Star.. Maybe a little heavier like Stabbing Westword and ggggrrrrrrrr. Instead, I'm giong to be a good boy... I've taken my sleeping pill and nightquill and now off to bed and hope I can finally get over this stupid ######6 cold. |
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