I think i preferred it when i didn't really believe in something specific afterwards you know.. because now i do pretty much believe properly - or at least be almost certain that there's something afterwards - i'm noticing that i'm starting to think in a way that isn't that healthy.
I seem to have lost the fear - and the fear is a good thing because the uncertainty has saved me a few times.
Not in recent years sure - i have plenty of things to do right now.. and i hope to continue to have plenty of things to do.. but what happens if i don't..when i don't anymore?
what happens in a few years time when I don't have someone relying on me to take care of them.. what happens if at that point i fall into depression and just decide not to keep fighting.
The thing is - i do now believe in an after.. though i don't believe that i'll remember this one.. and i don't know exactly what is after.. hopefully i'll be a person rather than a fly or something, but what if one day, the what if looks more appealing than the now.?
because i can see that happening
