I'm so so tired..

In a good mood but so tired.. I've just woken up after falling asleep on the sofa for about an hour and now my neck aches - it's quite odd actually.. the sofa always feels so comfy to curl into but my neck always hurts afterwards.
I may have to start pondering the possibility of trainee chiropractor goblins wandering in to practice on me while i'm sleeping..
only on the sofa though - maybe they're like the old version of the Darleks and can't quite manage the stairs for some reason so can't get me in bed.. legs too short?

This week i've noticed my energy levels falling and falling fast.. I feel like i'm carrying around an elephant when i walk and i can't keep my eyes open when i sit down..

I really am looking forwards to my hospital appointment now.. I need to know if i have what my doctor and I suspect or whether this is something different.

It's so strange.. last week i thought i was okay and was practically bouncy with my energy levels but this week i seem to have absolutely crashed..

As a high functioning aspie, i've learned how to work around most of my difficulties but some days this becomes just impossible..
Yesterday was one such day.. I woke up in a fairly good mood, thought i was in a fairly good mood, even when i discovered i'd run out of tea-bags.. yes, i'd forgotten to buy them even though i had reminded myself several times to buy some.

Then i discovered that the milk was slightly off.. not off enough so that anyone else would notice but just off enough to make me grimace and resign myself to the fact that i'd have to drink coffee instead of tea and deal with sour milk.. ''fine'' i thought.

So, i had the coffee with the sour milk but as anyone that drinks tea in the morning knows it's a very poor substitute.
Tea for tea drinkers is a relaxation technique.. making it is practically an art form and everyone makes it differently.. you have those that put a teabag in and then add milk and finally water.. watching the liquid gradually blossom with colour..
you have those that add the teabag and then the water.. watching the water start to glow with amber glints..

If you ask a person if they'd like a cup of tea and they watch you make it.. have you noticed how many of them comment ''oh. i don't make it like that'' in a surprised tone as if there's only one correct way to make it..?

so yeah.. i wanted my cup of tea


Pathetic i know but it threw my entire day off course.. yesterday i was a complete aspie.. sorry world, i just couldn't keep my NT mask on..

The fog in my head just wouldn't clear, i felt irritable and agitated..

so.. having to go out and run some errands, do some shopping etc, i decided to get it over and done with and wandered off out.
First of all, i got on the bus, where the driver smiled and said hello to me.. dammit ''where'd i put the social interactions manual today?'' - oh yes.. i left it at home.. summoning up as much as i possibly could i gave a small smile but probably looked like i was forcing myself to eat slugs..

sitting on the bus i started to relax a little.. the bus was nice but i had to brave the shops still and trust me.. with your brain already in overload mode this is as fun as cutting your leg off with a rusty spoon.. some days that sounds preferable actually..
So; off the bus and into the shops.. the shops where they've hidden the batteries that you need because your aspie child will meltdown if you don't pick them up..
okey dokey.. ask a shopkeeper.. not as simple.. at this point my senses were in overdrive.. i could hear everything.. smell everything.. see everything and couldn't shut it down.. my entire sensory system was misfiring.. the flickering of the lights was distracting and hurt my eyes.. the smell of the soaps and detergents were mixing with the smell of the perfumes and deodorants of the people moving by..
Standing at customer services i relaxed slightly because the guy standing there was a complete stranger.. ''ahh'' i thought.. ''no need for small talk.. perfect''
But then the guy vanished just before i got to the front of the queue, only to be replaced by a woman that i often see and chat sometimes to..
she gave a lovely smile of recognition and i'm standing there thinking ''aww, crap''.. okay.. ''where's the manual again?'' - ah yes.. i left it at home today..
I tried my best.. i smiled back at her even though i was heavily dissociated, my head was hurting and to be honest if i'd woken up at that point to find myself in bed with my head twisted into an unnatural position, it would have made more cognitive sense.
*short interaction on how i am today and how she is today later* - i'm now following mr stranger to where the batteries are lurking.. past the washing powder isle with all the smells.. trying to navigate past a guy who didn't move and where my body feels ungainly and awkward.. moving past him and i was...

[ Continued ]

This has to be written down.. conversation between three aspies yesterday.

Myself and two children..

we were walking along when we saw a bumblebee lying on the ground..

child aspie; spots the bumblebee and walks over slowly.. leans over to look and then looks up at me with a really sad expression ''awww.. poor bumblebee''

me ''aww.. i know honey.. poor bumblebee''

2nd child aspie '' pick it up..''

1st child aspie ''it can still sting you''

2nd child aspie ''but it might still be alive.. maybe we can help it''

1st child aspie looks at me ''we could do CPR''

2nd child aspie ''can you do CPR on a bumblebee..?''

Me; ''i can't imagine that it's possible.. how would you do it do you think?''

1st child aspie ''hmnn.. you could do chest compressions with a really little stick couldn't you..''

i feel really small right now..

i spent the day with my family today and it's so strange spending time with them again.. i don't even feel like i belong there..
i was sitting there chatting to my parents and noticing each time they spoke they had to bring someone else down to make them feel bigger..

meh.. there's way too much stuff to go into in one blog post so i'll start with a really early memory that i remember as clear as though it had just happened..


I was a very small, thin and dirty child.. in fact i still feel dirty now - i don't suppose that feeling is ever going to leave me completely.. the one that makes me feel invisible and worthless.. some days are better than others.. some days i feel good but others = well, the flashbacks come..

*edited for privacy reasons*

that was the day dear blog that i gave up even bothering to hope that deep down my mother loved me..

Potential trigger warnings in blog.. leave now or forever wish you had

Well, what can i say..

I've made a new real life friend, or rather i'm in the process of making a new friend because while collecting friendships is often an easy thing for an NT to do (not all NTs obv).. it's really a bit different for the average aspie..

I really like this woman and she actually listens.. do you know how rare it is that anyone listens to anyone else..?

I'm fascinated by social interactions.. (mostly because i've had to write my own manual over the years and i'm determined one day to go a whole day without being clumsy and wanting to beat myself round the head later with poisonous cacti for a silly, well meaning but mis-timed comment)

I'll give an example of what i mean when i say that no-one ever listens.. this conversation happened between me and my sister a week or so ago; (me) ''i'm going for an MRi scan next month because the doctor is worried i may have MS''.. sister briefly looks at me and states ''you can't have MS'' and then starts talking about how she feels tired..
I'm standing there looking at her and wondering why people do this.. it's not a deliberate thing by any means.. it's as though the brain has a filter and all conversations get strained through a sieve on the way in.. the person then processes only the bit that makes sense to them and discards the rest..

anyway.. there is relevance in my little ramble here; Perception is key.

My new friend and i were walking back home from the school together and we walked past a very clearly autistic child and his mother.. my friend pipes up ''they're easy to spot you know''.. puzzled i replied ''who are?''
''Aspies'' she replied.. ''my older son is an aspie and it's so easy to spot them when you've had your own''..

Okey dokey i thought and said ''i've heard that many aspies learn to blend in and not be noticed''


''Oh No.. i can always spot them, there's a dad in the playground with aspergers as well.. that guy you talk to''

Uh huh.. now do i tell her that the reason i talk to that dad in the playground is because we met briefly at an aspie social meet..?



See; aspies aren't all eye contact dodging hand flappers, although to be quite honest that hand flapping thing looks kind of comforting.. i might just quit restraining all my natural comfort seeking behaviour and stand in the playground shaking my leg, blinking repeatedly and stop trying to blend in..

Oh.. the eye contact thing.. I can do eye contact - it feels really uncomfortable but i can do it.. I grew up in a time where lack of eye contact wasn't recognised as okay and fine for the person.. I grew up in a time where every grown-up would lean so close to my face that i could feel the spit coming from their mouths and would shout ''look at me when i'm talking to you''

I'm sure many NTs can relate to that last bit though..