I've been having flashbacks and remembering things that i've long blocked out for days now.. they started off slowly, by yesterday they were flashing in a lot and today they're just constantly flooding over me..

10 years of blocked out memories all coming back in over a 3 day period is insane to deal with..
I'm walking around and triggering a flashback.. i'm reading through blogs and triggering a flashback.. i'm reading the damn Chinese menu and getting a flashback..

I feel like a sad little kid again and i've got to somehow process all of this enough to get on with my normal life.. I know i can deal with this but wow..
I've actually got some good memories in with the sad and painful as well.. no idea why they'd been blocked out.. maybe i needed to block out everything at the time because all emotion could seriously hurt me..

I wasn't expecting a waterfall of memories.. I was about to write ''a trickle would have been okay'' and then remembered what happens when a dam gets a crack in it.. the water trickles slowly at first.. the cracks get bigger and the water pushes against it..
the dam breaks apart and the water floods in..


I'm now wondering if maybe my flashback a couple of weeks ago was the start of this.. my brain threw out the worst one first and that one was horrible..
lying in bed one night and i felt odd.. not thinking of much but my brain felt wide awake..
I wasn't particularly stressed and was kind of starting to settle and think that i was sleepy.. suddenly; I was swept into an awful awful emotional flashback..
I went right back to when i was small and relived the whole experience.. and there was nothing i could do to stop it..

As usual..

I did cancel for a good reason but I haven't actually rearranged the date yet out of pure nervousness and the thought that it wouldn't work out anyway..

Anyway; i'm actually writing this one because of an article i read today on the cause of autism.. if the link doesn't work for some reason but you're interested in reading it still.. the article is titled; ''Scientists discover people with autism have too many brain 'connections'.''

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2731093/What-causes-autism-Scientists-discover-people-condition-brain-connections.html?

Basically; the article states what a lot of people on the spectrum knew instinctively already.. apparently we have too many synaptic connections.. caused by a failure in the usual ''pruning'' process that takes away the disused or erroneously formed connections.
Now; this is actually something that the aspie community was discussing last week.. there was a conversation about why many aspies with sensory issues also suffer with Synaesthesia. The theory that we came up with stated that there must be extra connections in the sensory regions of the brain.. along with extra connections comes a higher chance of a greater than usual amount of mis-wiring..
I like the article in general but i don't like the fact that people are now talking about a cure..
I would love for everyone to float through life and be able to fit in socially but you know.. for myself and many others that i've spoken to about this article = I/we wouldn't ever want to lose the amazing parts of being on the spectrum.
I personally don't want to lose the ability to smell all the individual ingredients in a dish.. I don't want to lose the ability to hyper-focus on some amazing topics.. and i've studied many many amazing topics over the years..
My first love was nature and really, my long lasting love is still nature..

I don't want to lose the ability to see little details that other people often miss and i certainly don't want to lose the ability to hear things that others can't.. on a bad day, when my senses are overloaded and i want to curl up in a ball = i just want to hide away from the world and stop the deafening sounds and smells and sights.. but on a good day, i love being able to hear the sound of the breeze gently swishing through the leaves of a silver Birch from 4 streets away.. on a good day i can control it and relax into one single smell or sound..

I wouldn't ever want to give up being an aspie if it means that the good bits go with it..

I get it.. i really do.. but what's next..? are we going to look at people with Down syndrome next and go ''Ooo.. we could remove that extra chromosome there and fix him/her''

meh; i don't know.. feel free to comment, disagree or agree.. what do other people think..?

would you take the cure..? would you give it to your child..?

I have a date..

If i don't wimp out and cancel of course.

I'm already trying to force myself not to call or text him to say ''sorry, not going to happen''


I know i'd enjoy the date because even if we don't get on in person, i still always enjoy the dates that i go on.
It's just that right now i have so many negative thoughts running through my head.. echoes of the shadows of the past.

I read a book about a year ago and in the book there's a phrase that i try to keep in my mind when i'm feeling insecure and worthless. ''If I were good enough today I would..''
I've used that phrase to force myself to get to meetings and i've used that phrase to force myself out of the house when i'm feeling like that helpless little child again..
Because honestly; i really don't feel good enough and i still feel that a nice, decent, genuine guy is going to look me up and down and turn away from me. This is the power of the messages that parents feed their children when they should be given messages of hope and a safe pair of arms to lean into.

Today i am good enough.. i logically know i am, i just don't feel it.

I've only ever been good at being a parent.. now that i can be proud of.

As for the rest.. you know; i'm going on that date because ''if i were good enough today, i would go on that date and say screw you to the negative messages that flood my brain.. these messages are not true and they're not mine to keep''.


Huge hugs to everyone
Sbb xx

I'm starting to become attracted to someone..

Every time i see them i feel really peaceful and warm..

as usually happens with me, they're completely out of reach..

At least this one isn't carrying around an axe or something though.. my record with partners isn't exactly amazing and that's why i've been single for the last 2 years now.

Possibly more than 2 years by now actually.. *brief mental math break*.. = yep - i've actually been single for 2 and a half years now.

Oh well.. this is pleasant even if it's not realistic.


I've also been thinking about something that i wrote in an earlier blog post recently.. i wrote about how i constantly try and suppress all the stims and just fit in with all the non aspies..

lately i've noticed that i'm not trying to suppress anymore.. clearly that blog post did something for me because i've been walking down the road peacefully doing a stim with my left hand..
It's unobtrusive so i don't think anyones noticed but feels relaxing and it seems to be keeping me more grounded than usual.. i have a tendency to become a bit spaced out when i'm stressed but i'm finding that with the stim, that's not happening as much..
And, really..? Right now, in the world.. people are starting to adjust and become flexible in their ideas of what's ''normal'' and what isn't.. i've seen people do incredibly odd things and i've heard people say incredibly odd things.. it hasn't changed my opinion of them because i see the whole of a person.. one little quirk is more endearing than anything else..

if anyone changes their opinion of me because i have some little quirks.. that's sad but meh.. i'll cope.

Weird.. i stopped doing these things because i was bullied so badly for not fitting in as a child.. it's taken me this long to finally open my eyes and accept that i just don't fit.. and that's okay xx

I'm fed up today.. maybe depressed and sad is a better description.. i'm not even sure myself. I do know that i feel like crying and my chest hurts though.

I ache at the moment.. i ache with thinking about the fact that people constantly misunderstand aspies and call us uncaring.. call us unfeeling.

I myself, i cannot talk for others with Aspergers but I (<<-- and yes, that's a strong, capital ''I'' for a change.. rare to see them in my writing i know) ''I'' do feel.
I am tired of people saying that I don't and am now crying.

I've just come from a group on facebook where no-one knows that I have aspergers and there's a discussion going on about how people with aspergers are robots with no understanding of love or empathy.

From chats i've had with other aspies.. almost every single one of them have explained that they do feel and they feel deeply.. they just have no ability to express how they feel.
See; aspies navigate their lives by designing rules to keep them safe.. walking along the footpath is easy.. you keep to the inside away from the road..
Knowing what to do when someone is telling you their problems or crying is not so easy.. some people want a hug but which ones? because when you hug some people and they're upset they'll push you away and you've then made everything worse..
Some people want advice.. but again; which ones? I personally want advice and i also want a hug.

If people came with manuals it would be so much easier.. i could just turn to the right page and go ''ah, yes.. George = he'd like a hug and some advice'' - or ''Mary.. she'll shove me if i hug her but she would love a cup of tea and just an ear to vent into''

And this is my thought process.. not that i don't care at all; I just have all this running through my mind.. by the time i've analysed everything and worked out what to do.. the person has most likely already assumed that i just don't care and dismissed me.


So.. next time you talk to an aspie and see them looking like they're disinterested.. they're probably not.. they're desperately finding the right thing to do/say.. hoping beyond all possible hope that they've filled in that page of the manual already.
trust me.. if an aspie isn't interested they'll tell you xx


I suppose that now i should work out whether to go and comment on that facebook post..